Relationship Faltering? Do Nothing!

There was this post on Facebook that I found so hilarious. It recommended that the developers of the social media network needed to create a new relationship status.

"Unstable" was the suggested status and it was for those people who changed theirs at least three times since joining Facebook. I found it so humorous as I was such a person, having changed from "In a relationship," to "Single," and, at the time of reading the post, had only recently changed from "Married," to "Separated!"

My God, I was looking really "Unstable!" 

The 'good news' is that I was not alone. Misery loves company and there was a 'draw down' crowd on my friends list.

We find who we really are in and through relationships. Humans are social beings; we were created to relate - with other humans, other creatures, nature, etc. We are relational and it is through and in our social interactions, we learn how to "be."

Sadly and too frequently, we miss that this - the essence of our relationships, particularly the intimate ones. We "fall in love," and knock all the senses from our heads! No wonder some describe the feeling as one of dizziness.

A relationship based solely on the physicalities of attraction, be that looks (beauty or handsomeness), sexual appeal, seeming wealth (car, house, etc) and/or actual or perceived income (job, job title, etc) will sooner or later lose its luster. Longer lasting relationships are the ones that are grounded in friendship, a deep seated liking of each other. The presence of any or all of the physical points of attraction is a bonus or add-on.

An early indicator to my ex that our relationship was faltering after 10 years was a very simple thing. "You no longer greet me at the door, there is no good evening, no smile, nothing," I was told. Hard as it was for me to hear that, even more difficult to accept, it was true. The intimacy was dying in the financial hell hole we were sliding down. Our relationship was staggering along and it was only our genuine "like" of each other that kept us going. We lasted for another six years. How?

For one, I did nothing. 

Throughout our relationship and up to that point, I was the "go to" person in our "coupledom." Whatever was to be done, where we would vacation, what's for dinner - every decision, big or small was made by me. At first, I rejected the suggestion that I had anything to do with the faltering state of affairs in our home. "I am doing everything, for crying out loud!" 

Therein laid the problem. I was so caught up being Miss Fixer & Chief Decider Of Everything, that there was no room for anyone else to be who they were - at least nowhere near a full expression of themselves. After much soul searching and a few sessions with Dr. Ruth (honestly, we went to couples counselling with a psychologist by that name), I backed off.

Chief Decider was demoted to Asker & Accepter of Others' Opinions/Desires. Some other practical 'nothings' that were implemented included:

• Spent more time alone, allowing my partner time to pursue personal interests alone 
• Stopped cooking every day, had more family outings where we just talked
• Ceased looking for faults and simply appreciated whatever presented itself
• Reduced my talking and upped my listening 
• Resigned as superwoman 

Our relationship lasted another six years, surviving many a challenges including the death of a beloved parent, further financial upheaval and migration to Canada. While I am not attributing its longevity solely to my doing 'nothing', it certainly helped to change the tone.

In the end, after 16 years the relationship ran its natural course. That perspective was not easily arrived at, yet it is the most accurate. I now and have for some time believe in "spiritual partnerships," wherein you are in relationship to support each other's growth. When that is no longer the case, when growing has completely ceased and stagnation set in, it's time to move on.

“Relationships are like glass. Sometimes it’s better to leave them broken than to hurt yourself putting it back together.” -Anonymous 

So, is your relationship faltering? Yes? Why not try a few "nothings?"

Should you like to share your experiences on this or any other topic, please feel free to message me here, or on Facebook. You can follow and contact me on Twitter as well @DOSFoundation.

Blessings until tomorrow. Namaste

Photo Source: savethislove.com