If you are being taken for granted by anyone or in any situation you are the cause of it.
Whoever it was who first said this must have been taken for granted one time too many and finally learned his/her lesson:
"You teach people how to treat you."
My late mother and many Jamaican parents of a certain era had this notion that children are "old age pension." Subsequently, they treat them, or at least in my case, as their personal banks. This institution was a special one however, as little deposit was required but it was assumed that withdrawals could be made simply by their requests.
Parents who behave in this fashion, take their children for granted and why should they not? After all, they gave them life, no? They had a reasonable expectation of a return on their "investment." No?
No. No. No.
Friends, lovers, employers and if you are one of those unknowingly parading a "take from me" sign - even panhandlers will assume you to be their personal account from which they can continuously withdraw.
Until you put an end to it.
How do you stop being taken for granted? Well, as with every life changing moment, the first step is acknowledging and accepting where you are and what is. Deciphering whether the situation that you are in is one of you merely being a giving person or one where you are in relationship or relating with a "taker," can be a challenge. Your compass - the most reliable indicator will be your gut.
Does it churn when this person calls or when you know you will meet up with them? Is a panic attack the best feeling you can conjure when you think about your boss and the work day ahead? Have you been playing with ideas how to express your dissatisfaction with sex life to a mate who seems happy with his/her game?
A yes to any of these or similar questions might be pointing you to a "your needs, development or satisfaction is not a priority" area of your life.
Your second step would then be to more keenly and privately, at first, explore this area a bit more. Grab pen and paper - writing clarifies - and headline the page: "What would help me to be more happy about...?"
Fill in the blank with the name of the person or situation in question. Then list, not what you do not like, but what would turnaround the relationship, friendship or your career. Example:
- I would like Jane to show more interest in my children
- Going to see the occasional movie with Harry would be very nice
- Hearing about my mother's friends and those things that she enjoys doing feels great
Remember, what you focus on you either bring about or you cause the unwanted to move out of your experience due to lack of attention.
The third step is to share your desire with the party in question. Without rancour, blaming or shaming, state your need and what you are willing to do to change the nature of the relationship. As well, and again without bitterness, say what you are unable to continue accepting. That is called establishing your boundary.
Some might get defensive no matter how you present the information. That is on them, so do not fall into the guilt trap. Others will surprise you by their welcoming of the offer to renew and expand the relating.
Whatever the response to your decision to no longer be the withdrawal account, the door mat, The Fixer, your fourth and final step in this Breaking Loose challenge is to congratulate yourself for seeing this through!
Believe me, I have had to do this very exercise many times. It is one that you will have to repeat several times until you have cleared your life of takers and everyone entering reads the memo: "This woman (or man) is no pushover!"
Most important is to enjoy the process, even through the pain - they are just teething pain and will pass once the new tooth has burst the gum.
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