The Deadly D Word: Divorce Part II

Claudette Esterine

For some it is a more dreaded word than “Death.” Actually, I remember going to the pool with my young daughter and would hear parents scold their children for using another “D” word – drown.

“Divorce” holds the same deadly connotation for many and you my dears know that I am not one of them. Been there, done that – a couple times, okay a few times, and have no intention of going down that “D” road again!

My first kick at the bucket was the most painful. When my first husband and I divorced, the events leading up to it were devastating – on both sides I guess but in the moment it felt as if I was the “victim.” Truth be told, I was the Victor as the course of my life soon after that took me along the long and yes, winding road called Personal Freedom.

The second time that my signature was affixed to an application for a Decree Nisi it was a blur – just like the marriage. That is a story that I am not ready to get into at this point, however, rest assured it will be told.

My last wedding day

Now on the third marriage, I really do not give two or three hoots whether we get divorced or not. Frankly, it suits me not to file for a divorce as it legally prevents me from doing something that I know I will regret (and I have none) – that would be to get married again.

Please, do not get me wrong. Marriage is a wonderful “institution” for those who like that kind of living.

I remember when we migrated to Canada in 2002 and specifically to Alberta which was one of the last holdouts on “same-sex marriage,” few within our immediate circle could understood why I was not hopping on that particular bandwagon. Obviously it was not due to my abhorrence for gay marriage or any thought on my part that the institution of marriage is for man and woman. Absolutely not.

Having been twice married prior to coming to Canada and being in a 11+ year relationship at that time with the love of my life, the beauty of sharing one’s life with another person was something I cherished. Not enough though to think that marriage was the only or the best way to prove it.

I raise a glass to those of you who have been married for years and the love is still going strong. You are invited again to share your story with us and offer any suggestions you may have to keep the fire burning in marriages and long term relationships. I have always admitted that I am not the best person to offer such advice as my journey has not been one that equipped me, to now, with any such wisdom.

What I do know is that:

1. Marriage is not something to enter for any reason other than deep respect and desire to share not just your beauty, possession, charm, etc but your darkness and your wounds.
2. One ought not to remain in a spirit-killing relationship for “the children’s sake,” as you are not teaching them about living a joyous, peaceful and purposeful life.
3. If you have to insist on your fiancé or fiancée signing a prenuptial agreement, you might be better off marrying your money.

Many use divorce as an excuse, as they do not want to really try to make the relationship work. In other cases, it is an option that was on the table from day one, an exit strategy. Some see it as an escape – from a life they had not visualized or a nightmare.

“Divorce isn't such a tragedy. A tragedy's staying in an unhappy marriage, teaching your children the wrong things about love. Nobody ever died of divorce.” ― Jennifer Weiner, Fly Away Home

Looking back, none of my marriages was for the only reason that I would marry again – that I have met The One who has shown (not said) that they are willing, ready and capable of accepting my deep desire to share all of me – the good, the bad and the in between – with and in love.

Are you married? How is it going? Is divorce on the cards or do you keep shuffling it out of sight? You can talk with me privately if you wish by messaging me here; otherwise leave a comment and/or visit our Facebook page to see our posts on various topics of interests.

Namaste