My Choices Made Me Who I Am

Choices.

Claudette Esterine

A smile lights up my face as I think about some of the choices that I have made.

As far back as I can recall, I was never one to not make a choice. Some people go through much of their lives without consciously “picking a side.”

My former partner of 16 years and I would argue over her propensity to always sit on the fence. It annoyed the heck out of me. She would never pick a side, finding some sort of nobility in remaining on the fence and watching the rest of the world fight over spoils. From my peace-loving perspective now, her raison d’etre makes some sense. Why join in the fracas? Let the minions or as she would more than likely say – the idiots – fight.

That was never my style.

I knew which political party my loyalty belonged to since my seventh year on Earth. By 11, I was ready to cast my vote.  When my neighbours went to St. Hugh’s High School, it became my choice for my secondary education. Being a planner from a young age, I was clear which girls’ school was my second choice – Alpha High.

Without knowing the educational requirements, again once I heard of my neighbours and childhood friends to date – Dr. Janice Chang and her sister Grace – choices for future career, medicine, I decided to become a paediatrician. When it became clear that my grades would not allow me to peek through the gates of medical school much less enter, I quickly decided on the hospitality industry.

Politics was my real love, however, so when the opportunity arose for me to earn a degree my immediate choices were to pursue studies in International Relations and Political Science. Later, upon migrating to Canada, a plethora of choices were before me as the doors to my former educational achievements closed due to lack of Canadian experience. That is the topic for another post.

Fortunately, my heart was already expanding and so was my spiritual quest, my choice was easy. Soon after putting down my bags in Edmonton, Alberta and realising that another choice had to be made – I entered Theological Studies at a Catholic University. That again was a deliberate choice. There were seminaries of other denominations but I chose to learn about systematic theology and Christianity from one of its main architects.

Not choosing is really a choice. I have written on this before. 

I made such "not-choosing choices" regarding intimate relationships and friendships for many years. My transition from comatose relating to conscious connections was gradual and over many years. However, once there, I never looked back. 

It would be a lie to tell you now that any relationship that I have entered, even encounters (and I have had a few) were unknowing. My eyes were always wide open.

A wanna-be partner was recently shocked at my choice not to be his “trophy girlfriend.” Within 15 minutes of dragging out of him his true intentions, to parade me as his prize – a strong, beauty-filled, educated, intelligent to boot, black/Jamaican woman; something his ex-finance could hardly come close to – I walked out of his life, kicking the door shut in his face.

Image: etsy.com

It has taken me too many tears and too many choices to be where I am today – free, independent, self-supporting and full of Spirit – to allow anyone be it man, woman, friend or even foe to treat me in any manner demeaning of my personal esteem of Claudette.

Women who bawl their eyes out, blaming Life over the choices or not-choosing choices that they have made will get little sympathy from me. I was one such and learned the hard way – that whatever comes to me is my choice. I love how Stephen Covey phrased it:

“But until a person can say deeply and honestly, "I am what I am today because of the choices I made yesterday," that person cannot say, "I choose otherwise.” ― Stephen R. Covey, The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People: Powerful Lessons in Personal Change

Can you say this? Let me hear you say that here or on our Facebook page.

Namaste.