Drunk In Love? Are You F... Kidding Me?

I hate love.

Sounds like a strong statement but hear me out, please.

I hate 'love'.

This past Sunday was a particularly rough day for me. It was the culmination of three days of emotional turmoil that all had to do with - love. People saying how much they love me but somehow not translated into life-enhancing gestures.

Certainly in the past, possibly up to my late 30's, I was the needy type. Saying you love me was tantamount to agreeing to give me a blood transfusion.  After the last big heartbreak that left me with what feels to me "a piece of a heart," I got the point.

Image: mimiandeunice.com

To truly and unconditionally love someone means being willing to let them go.

Yet, there has to be a spiritual bond, a mutual level of respect and regard, a high standard of honesty and an agreement that we are in relationship for as long as we are both growing.

This is true of my intimate relationships and friendships, the latter meaning people I would give my life for - and they are few.

So when I read this piece yesterday, it came to me that, "Yes, I hate love!"

"Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? 
It makes you so vulnerable. 
It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. 
You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you.
Then one stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...
You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. 
They did something dumb one day, like smile at you on a beach, and then your life isn't your own anymore. 
Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. 
It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness.
So simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. 
It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. 
It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain.
I hate love!" Unknown

This love thing hurts really bad and hard and long and you cry all night, your head hurts, your eyes are swollen shut from crying and you are just a goddam mess!

Image: funnyquotesaboutfriendsimages.com

I hate love too!

Then there is Love.

It does not ask a price or desires favours in return. Respect, trust, full unrequited disclosure are its hallmark. Talking about the Love that is birthed deep in your soul the instant you know who and whose you are.

In the past several years, I have fallen in love deeply - the crash and burn type of love described in the poem above. They were breathtaking, risky, crazy-making kind of love. Really just as how Jodi Picoult states it: "True love is felonious… You take someone’s breath away… You rob them of the ability to utter a single word… You steal a heart."

My experience has taught me that that is not Love.  This is an emotional tie, connection or in some case wanting of a particular human being. That "love" runs dry one day and for many it is usually too soon.

Personally, I am trading up. The doors of the cell that would lock away my stolen possession have been taken down. In fact, the prison has been converted to a sanctuary.

See, I am taking up residency with Love, created a home where all are welcome, no one is special, an all inclusive package. No "drunk in love" business will be entertained - not any more. There are plenty other places for such carryings on.

In my temple, this sanctuary, Love is royalty.

Whether you are a Sistah, a friend or a would be intimate sojourner, the Love that I believe in and share "doesn't grow on you, feed on you, drain you and spoil your heart. It nourishes, waters the soul and intensifies in absenses long and short." C. Nzingha Smith

I believe in a Power greater than myself and as I prayed this morning, my request was not for anything or anyone. My request was for Love, the kind that Charles-Augustin Sainte-Beuve describes as "inexhaustible; the more you give, the more you have...[Love that] if you go to draw at the true fountainhead, the more [Love] you draw, the more abundant is its flow."

Are you in for this type of Love or are you still "drunk in love?" Share your love story with us here or on our Facebook page. You may also follow us at Twitter.

Stay sober for the rest of the day!

Claudette Esterine is the Founder of Daughters of Sheba Foundation and Editor of our blog. She is a Jamaican-Canadian and a Free Spirit.