Tuesday 1 April 2014

April Fools' Day Fool All Year Long

Image: photaki.com
He was fine. All 6' 2" of him. The typical bad boy 'tats' and the devil himself painted that smile on his lips.

Much shorter, at least five inches, when his head was cleaned shaved (as I insisted), his crooked smile was equally devilish.

Standing tall as well, this butter-caramel skinned man had the early makings of a politician. His debating skills titillated my mind and pulled me in.

An expert debater since his high school days and actual politician from he turned 25, his raspy voice, slight slur when he pronounced some words and those long, elegant fingers that he was almost always photographed pointing them at "imperialists," had me giddy from day one.

Four men, four charismatic men who rocked my world to one degree or another.

They had swag, sex appeal and they were all narcissists. 

One of my Sistahs asked me a poignant question that led me down this road. We were talking about some annoying phone calls and messages that I had been receiving. They were not new but I had hoped that my feelings were conveyed.

Clearly they were not or the individual chose to ignore them. Upset to have received another message, after sending a terse response to the messenger I saw that my Sistah had come online. Before she could finish typing "What's up?" I was pouring my heart out.

"The real question is Claudette, why do you keep attracting narcissistic-sociopaths into your life?" 

Instructed to go read up all the material again on this personality type, over the next few days I not only read but journalled.
"The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fifth Edition, abbreviated as DSM-5, is the 2013 update to the American Psychiatric Association's (APA) classification and diagnostic tool. In the United States the DSM serves as a universal authority for psychiatric diagnosis. Treatment recommendations, as well as payment by health care providers, are often determined by DSM classifications, so the appearance of a new version has significant practical importance." Wikipedia 
Image: huffingtonpost.com
That was my first stop. It was not my first time reading this ominous document, in fact, I sat a few examinations that required me to know many of the DSM classifications. During my chaplaincy training and later my certification as a Behavioral Counsellor required specialized knowledge.

Narcissistic-sociopaths were not unfamiliar to me but for the first time, I was reading the material from a fresh perspective. That perspective? As recently as two years ago, I was again in relationship with one. It was with these eyes that I studied the document, the revised DSM, again.

Without boring you, a person must display at least five of the following characteristics to be determined a narcissist:
  • Has a grandiose sense of self-importance (e.g., exaggerates achievements and talents, expects to be recognized as superior without commensurate achievements) Is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love 
  • Believes that he or she is “special” and unique and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people (or institutions)
  • Requires excessive admiration 
  • Has a very strong sense of entitlement, e.g., unreasonable expectations of especially favorable treatment or automatic compliance with his or her expectations 
  • Is exploitative of others, e.g., takes advantage of others to achieve his or her own ends 
  • Lacks empathy, e.g., is unwilling to recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of others Is often envious of others or believes that others are envious of him or her 
  • Regularly shows arrogant, haughty behaviors or attitudes" (Source: PsychCentral.com) 
The DSM guidelines for a person to be diagnosed with antisocial personality disorder (basically a sociopath in layman's terms), is that they must display five of the following:
  • Failure to conform to social norms with respect to lawful behaviors as indicated by repeatedly performing acts that are grounds for arrest 
  • Deceitfulness, as indicated by repeated lying, use of aliases, or conning others for personal profit or pleasure
  • Impulsivity or failure to plan ahead
  • Irritability and aggressiveness, as indicated by repeated physical fights or assaults 
  • Reckless disregard for safety of self or others 
  • Consistent irresponsibility, as indicated by repeated failure to sustain consistent work behavior or honor financial obligations 
  • Lack of remorse, as indicated by being indifferent to or rationalizing having hurt, mistreated, or stolen from another (Source cited) 
Again, none of this was really new to me. In fact, most of these characteristics in both the narcissistic personality and the antisocial personality were very evident and well documented in my last bad boy!! Not only that, as stated in the DSM, there was "evidence of Conduct Disorder in the individual as a child, whether or not it was ever formally diagnosed by a professional." 

So why did I not see it? Why did I enter much less continue in a relationship with him? The answer is simple, yet complicated. 

It is two-fold and points to a mistake that many women (and men I am sure) make:
  1. We feel we can change them. We feel we are The One that will cause him/her to change.
  2. There are narcissistic and/or antisocial traits within ourselves that are being called up for healing.
HELLO?! ME?

That was the side, the shadow that my conversation with my Sistah caused me to explore. Four men, each displaying varying degrees of these personality types - at least one all of them! There was no way I could change, cure or worse yet, heal any or all of them.

I can heal me. 

Now, over the next however long, I will be standing in front of my mirror. The new man in my life. Funny how the Universe operates. He appeared uninvited and totally from the left field. Recently he remarked that my wounds are still bleeding and runs the risk of staining our relationship.  J knows about my past and he has been gently cauterizing my sores.

There are many, far too many women caught in this web. I know of at least one who is going to be "left with a broken heart" by my last bad boy. Sistah, run.

If you see your partner or even a family member displaying any five or more of these traits, seek help and support from professionals. Feel free to contact us for additional support. Leave a comment here if this article spoke to you in anyway or message us on our Facebook page of follow on Twitter.

Stop being fooled but have pure fun this April Fools' Day!

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