Love Is...

Claudette Esterine

Love? What is it?

I really do not know.

Could it be that feeling that causes you to sacrifice everything you have worked hard for to the benefit of someone who everyone tells you is not worth it?

Or, is that stupidity?

Could it be that thing that you do for your children, such as staying up all day finishing their science project although your knowledge of anything beyond birds and bees is very narrow?

Or is that pride?

As I watched them wheel my newly born granddaughter off to the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit, something moved in the base of my belly – in my womb – and I had a near animalistic desire to be with my daughter who was lying recovering from the C-section. They would not allow me in and I felt as if I would kick the doors open and go in anyway.

Is that love?

In our Facebook Group, something floats, bobs and connects all 18 of us. Each of our hearts ache when one is going through a rough time with the boss, a child is acting up, a marriage is crumbling, there is not enough money to pay the bills, or when one is sick and on dying.

We openly rejoice and feel that same floaty, bobbing and connecting thingy when one of us gets a new job, a child or children passes the exams, a Sistah graduates from a University programme, or I have a successful date.

I am sure that is love too.

Love is who we are, what we do, where we will go, how we share and it is When we answer to God’s call.

My heart is somewhat heavy this evening for reasons, affecting my DOS family, that I prefer not to disclose at this point.

What I will say definitively is Love is All that – a verb, a noun, an adjective, a prefix, a suffix – it is every part of our speaking and doing. More than everything, Love is our being.

Have a Love-filled evening!

Namaste

So You Want A Relationship? - Part II

Clara Brown

The Miriam-Webster Dictionary defines "Relationship" in part as, "the way in which two of more people, groups, countries etc., talk to, behave toward and deal with each other."

In our daily lives we are challenged to keep our 'relationships' together.  Why is it so necessary for us to protect what we value?

Being in relations suggests having a oneness in spirit. A spirit that embodies sharing and reciprocity, both of which are to be managed, coerced and treasured for the benefit of maintaining the relationship.

As we go through our life's journey, we become involved in many relationships. While it may not be my own experience, one can hazard a guess that there are persons around who have had thousands of relationships.  Some of these relationships may have been recorded as "good," while some may record "bad" experiences.

We were created to co-exist, to have a relationship(s) with each other. There are some biblical guidelines that seek to foster having health and God-like relationships. Some cynics will perhaps say, that having a relationship with the persons we profess to love is  overrated.  In reality, it is difficult to have a relationship with even our own 'blood relation'.  Some relationships with family members are damaged beyond repair.  Surely, the guidelines handed down via the Ten Commandments anticipate that there is none among us, humans who is infallible?

Inspite of the numbers of relationships that one has, there are some that are more important than others.

Image: theinkprosblog

What are the most important relationships that you have?


On impulse, my answer to this question, would perhaps be that the most important relationship I have is with my son, Jared.

Putting more thought into it, the most correct or appropriate response would be MYSELF!

"How so?" You may ask. 

Don't judge me or jump to conclusions that I am selfish by this response as is the practice when a person answers in this way. People are frequently criticized for being selfish for being in love with themselves.  However, my rejoinder to that is: "If one does not lather oneself with love then that person will enter a relationship with a major deficiency."

Putting a high value on self-love will certainly invoke a high return. In other words, when you place a high value on yourself, people will invariably value you more.  Loving and caring about yourself first means that you are confident about your worth, that you are quite aware of your value and who you are. We wrote on this very topic in Part One of this article.

"When you love yourself for who you are, you turn into the one you love.  This in turn will allow you to love and care for the people who matter most to you." Anonymous

Another important relationship will most likely be with your 'back-watchers' or your Main-squeeze.  Back-watchers could range from your family, friends to your professional colleagues. These are the people in your life that are most important to you and you to them. While you are in a relationship with them, depending on the 'connection', the relating will be different for and with each person.

I have experienced (and I am sure you have too) much closer relationship with others outside of my own family.  I have also found much more caring and loving relationships with persons who are not my 'blood relatives'.

Irrespective of the connection, one must recognize that in every relationship, there are two sides to each of us.  At times we are nice and at times we are mean. At times we are happy and at times sad. At times we are giving and another time we are takers, generous and not too generous, supportive and not too supportive.

What is most important being in a 'relationship' is to be accepting and embracing of the other person.  The most loving and long lasting relationships are those where the parties embrace both sides of the other person. As John Legend so aptly puts it, "loving your perfect imperfections"

I remember a heated discussion with some kindred spirits recently during which I made the point that "one hand cannot clap." By this I meant that being in a one-sided relationship is futile. It is a relationship heading to No-man's land and a reason why relationships end. Such relationships serve neither party in the short or long term.

Text messaging, Twitter and other short form social media writing have introduced some 'buzz terms' to our lingua. Terms such as "bestie" or "Soulmate" or BFF (Best Friend Forever).  All of these terms, whichever you choose to describe your own relationship, connote a certain CONNECTION.

BFF's: Claudette & Clara

BFF or bestie, your relationships serve you in one or more ways. They could support your mission, your passion or your purpose.  Some relationships will involve a deep 'soul connection'. For example, I have a Soulmate who think a lot like me. She can always predict my 'next step' and I hers.  We often finish each other's sentence and I have often declared how 'afraid' I am of the connection.  Yup, the connection is frightening at times.

It is not my opinion that soulmate is equivalent to sexual partner. It is not necessarily a 'romantic involvement'. The connection between 'soulmates' can be different and yes, one can have many 'soulmates' - all supporting different aspects of your existence.

What are the keys to "good" relating?

1. Cultivating a LOVING relationship with yourself is paramount.
2. Embracing that each person in a relationship have two (2) sides.
3. Understanding that in order for a relationship to thrive, there has to be a connecting point and it must be nurtured.

Take a look at your relationships and see if these three elements are present. If they are or are not, my advice to maintain or create great relationships is: stay connected, love yourself, love others and appreciate all of you and the wonderful people that you come across in your life.

Let the love of self burn through your being and bring light and happiness  to the relationships that you form.

Be blessed and have an awesome relating day!

Clara Brown is a regular Guest Author and an Insurance Executive. She lives in St. Andrew, Jamaica with her spouse and son.

The Dating Game: Are You A Player?

Sixteen years in a relationship had left me completely out of practice for the dating game.

Sixteen months and twenty days, I was not really counting but it felt this long, after my longtime partner had walked out my daughter and gay friend in New York insisted that I joined the game.

"When did dating become a contact sport?" I asked. My smart-mouth 19 year old daughter's response, "While you were aging!" She was right.

The seeds were sown for that response in 2006 at my 41st birthday party, hosted by my partner and largely catered by the woman who was partly responsible for me now getting dating advice from a teenager and a gay PhD holder in New York, NY.

This was to have been the 'best years of my life' but it had fast turned into a nightmare.

"The bar scene is not for you, Claudette," Peter confirmed in one of our nightly pep talks. No one had to tell me that the church BBQ was not my scene either! The chickens would have resurrected and jumped off those grills had I shown up at any such religious event. Scarlett was my name and red was my emotion - angry and bitter!

My self-appointed dating expert, Abi, sat me down and gave me the in's and out's of online dating. Aside from her not wanting me going to the clubs with her (how embarrassing it would be when they carded me and not her ~ lol) she knew that:

• A half glass of wine and I would be tipsy and ready to leave within an hour
• Loud music gives me a headache 
• Loud people gives me a headache and an upset stomach 
• One hour is not enough to find the next love of my life 

Any two of these 'issues' rule out clubbing as your playing field. So my daughter introduced me to PlentyofFish. Frankly, a more appropriate name would have been plenty of creeps, vultures, vampires or any blood sucking creature!

On my own, after a week or so of plenty of nausea, I signed up for EHarmony and LavaLife. The prospects were not much better except that they had more professional looking photographs and profiles.

Admittedly bored, coming out of a state of chronic depression and my self-esteem severely battered, I followed my teenager's and gay friend's "Top Three Advice:" for dating sites and adult dating:

1. Meet as quickly as possible if there is any sense of connection. This way, you either confirm or dispel the connection. 
2. Have an exit strategy if "dispel the illusion" is the viable option.  
3. Check their "papers or credentials" and do not rush into exclusivity. 

Being the good student that I am, meeting places for me was always a Chapter's book store or Tim Horton's. Both places sold my favourite thing in life - coffee and, books have always been an escape for me. I could always hide in a strategic corner with my nose in a book and carry out surveillance as my "date" enters.

Yes, I had to exercise that exit strategy once. On another occasion, my job as a hospital chaplain and my girlfriend Ann, led me out. Come on, who wants to be dating a middle aged guy who had clearly not only posted his first year university picture but was at least six inches shorter than me AND used a credit card to purchase a $2 milk? Well he tried but it was declined.

Ann called within 10 minutes of the date and I was out of there within 11 minutes of the date, allegedly on my way to a dying patient's bedside. Forgive me Father, I couldn't think of another excuse fast enough.

Overall, I did well on #3 and as such ruled out visa seekers, wife beaters, and scam artists for the most part. Was not so lucky with the serial daters whose jobs and stability in other areas checked out. Such is life and anyhow, with those I saw some really good movies, ate in a few nice restaurants in Edmonton, took a trip to Banff, Alberta and stayed a couple nights in a really swank hotel.

Ready to give up on internet dating, I took down my profile from all the previously mentioned online dating sites. Ironically, soon after I flirted with, rushed into exclusivity and married a guy I met on Zoosk!!! That is a story for another blog.

What is your worst and best dating story? Have you ever tried online dating? How was it or would you? Leave a comment here, as well *Like* our Facebook page and follow us on Twitter.

Continue to have a great day! Namaste

Photo Sources:
news.mmogamesite.com
datingandlov.blogspot.com

So You Want A Relationship?

So you want a relationship? What are you BEING to attract one?

You read right. What are you being to attract your next relationship is a very crucial question to ask yourself. There is a song that says "pretty looks isn't all," and that is so true when you are wanting to be in a meaningful relationship. Pay attention to the key words used here: "being" and "meaningful."

You are either considered beautiful or not according to society's standards. Looking gorgeous, super-model slim with a booty to go with that will most certainly get you attention, many catcalls and numerous telephone numbers. If what you "want" is a relationship that is full of meaning, one in which you are both growing to the fullest of your individual potentials while nurturing each other, your family and home, then you will need more than looks.

To have that kind of relationship, you have to "be" all the qualities you want in the relationship. We have discussed this before, but it bears repeating.

So many people, men and women alike, enter relationships on the basis that:

• The person holding their attention is 'hot', very attractive, well groomed, etc 
• The individual possesses material things that they want (money, car, house etc) or the potential to get them (status, job) 

Physical attributes are well and good when considering a mate. In most instances, there has to be 'something' that catches the eye. The challenge is going beyond what meets the eyes. That requires you knowing who you are and being discerning about who comes into your presence.

We attract who we are, through the 'vibes' that we emit.

It is the law and it operates in the same manner regarding abundance, career/job, friends, relationships - in every area of our lives. Our emotion laced thoughts are the signals that we send out, calling to ourselves the potential "lovers." Whatever you are focussed on, whatever are your predominant thoughts and feelings about yourself, your life and relationships - those will determine who comes to party with you.

Your last relationship was a bummer. Actually the last few were. Loneliness is setting in, all your friends are in relationships never mind that some are full of drama. You have certain criteria that the new love must meet because you are not "settling" this time (really). He/she must be:

1. Holding down a 'decent' job 
2. Kind and able to pay his/her own way 
3. Faithful to you and no baby mama drama 
4. A car owner and not still living with his mother 
5. Able to hold a conversation and is fun to be around 
6. Well dressed at all times (except when nude) and is very easy on the eyes 

Sounds fair enough but the real question is - what underpins these criteria that you have set out? 

Hurt, anger, embarrassment, mistrust and pride because the last date(s) turned out to be a Mama's boy(s) who could neither keep a job or buy you a big deal meal? His car was in the shop more than on the road, he dressed like a clown to your office party and if that was not embarrassing enough, his idea of being funny was telling x-rated jokes all night to the head of HR!

Truth be told, this last love or two were reflections of you!

That is a bitter pill to swallow but here is my story:
I met him a couple years after the devastating break up of a long term relationship. Although reluctant to get back on the dating scene, I bowed to the pressure of close friends and my daughter that it was time to 'get a life'. The two years were spent in therapy, counselling, deep reflection and self-evaluation. The missteps were identified, along with the deep-rooted childhood/family issues that trailed and plagued my interpersonal and intimate relating up to that point, the 40th year of my life.

Sure, I was ready and after kissing a few frogs, the man who would hold up to me a huge mirror, reflecting the issues that were still unresolved, appeared. When the relationship fell apart a few years later, all the blame was initially laid at his feet. Once I was able to move beyond the obvious, it became clear to me that I was not yet 'being who I wanted to be in relationship with'.

Certainly, your ex (and mine) was not the person you thought they were but neither were you.

The Universe never fails. It brought you (and I) the perfect matches, not to who we say we are or want but to what we were vibrating. These 'matches' come into your life or you into theirs to teach what is required for further expansion. Some lessons take a long time to learn and others are easier to understand. This is why some relationships lasts for years as the parties are still learning together.

Others end earlier, when you and/or the individual have served the intended purpose, the mutual learning/growing has come to an end or one party "got it," and decides to move on. They move on through break up/divorce or death.

Life is a big school and we are all here to grow and expand into all we can be. In order to stop taking the same relationship class repeatedly, before entering your next one, do your homework!  Dig deep, get help if necessary to evaluate and reevaluate yourself, your thoughts and what you are feeling. Do not rush the process and unpack your baggage as best as possible. Most important, be the person you want to have a relationship with and watch what happens.

Feel free to drop me a line, comment here or on our Facebook page. You may follow us on Twitter as well. Have fun today and continue to be blessed!


Photo Source: khyatikothari.com

Mixing It Up: Interracial Love

This one is personal. It is intimate on all sorts of levels. Who knows, it may even be controversial.

Continuing our theme of "Living in Awareness," we turn our spotlight today on our world and how its inhabitants, humans, are "intermingling," might we say?

Photo Source: huffingtonpost.com

Interracial couples, relationships, marriages and families - they are everywhere! People of African descent mixing it up with Europeans. Asian blending with East Indians. Filipinos merging with Jamaicans. Persians doing the salsa with Latinos. You name it and cities such as Toronto has the mix for you!

Yours truly, for example, is married to a Canadian-born man of Scottish descent, red head and all!

Mixed marriages were once illegal in the United States but not anymore. In 2012, one news headline read: "Interracial marriage in US hits new high: 1 in 12," and reported that a Pew Research Centre study found that "8.4 percent of all current U.S. marriages are interracial, up from 3.2 percent in 1980. While Hispanics and Asians remained the most likely, as in previous decades, to marry someone of a different race, the biggest jump in share since 2008 occurred among blacks, who historically have been the most segregated." 

Statistics Canada had similar findings in that country with newspaper headlines trumpeting: "Number of Mixed-Race Couple on the Rise in Canada." Shock of all shocks as the great White North was turning brown???

Not everyone welcomed this news. Another shock.

The report from Canada was, although interracial couples was one of the fastest growing demographics particularly in urban centres, growing by 33% between 2001 - 2006, prejudicial attitudes towards mixed marriages was still rearing its ugly head.

When my husband told his late father that he was getting married, I could hear him repeatedly saying, "Yes Dad, she is a black girl." Granted I was over 40 at the time and so was he but he had to reassure his father that he had not drank some jungle juice and everything "is gonna be alright."

We lived in Alberta, the most conservative province in all of Canada, and that accounted for some of the stares we got walking through the mall. To bump it up a notch, my husband and I would hold hands and virtually skip through the place! It was downright hilarious to see the reactions, priceless in fact.

Yet bittersweet.  Why? Well, some of the most harsh stares came from "my own" - people, especially the men, of African descent. The looks, or I interpreted the knitted brows, the hissing of teeth and the furled lips to say, "Sister, why? Why have you done a thing like that?"

One fellow/brother at the institution where I worked had the cojones enough to ask me whether I "married a white man to get ahead?" Being the 'biatch' that I can be, especially in that male-dominated environment where guts meant everything, my response was, "Is that what you and all the other brothers were trying to do with those Becky's that landed you inside?" He never passed his place with me again nor did anyone else.

Marrying or even dating someone from another race/culture is no walk in the park. So many issues arise, from which food will take precedence in your household, cultural traditions that will be followed or at least respected or dress styles just to name a few. Add children to the mix and you have a way more complex life, starting with a seemingly simple thing as how their hair is to be groomed.

Sidebar: My Caucasian Sistahs with your mixed Afro kids: it's so not cute and culturally insensitive to have them running around with unkempt hair!  Message me for basic nappy hair care instructions please!

Do visit and *Like* our Facebook page today as we explore the many expressions, challenges and the beauty of interracial love. You can also follow us on Twitter @DOSFoundation.

Have a blessed day!