Day 15: Unravelling The Threads That Bind

He brought wine and I ran.

See, he brought my favourite wine - Zinfandel - but I never told him it was. How did he know? He claims it was disclosed sometime in one of our early conversations. I checked since those were mainly text messages but could not find where I did.

Bewildered, scared and delighted - the battlefield of my emotions. Extremely frightened, I did what has become my best act - run.

The threads woven in this story come from way back. After the birth of my Kitten (granddaughter) and the death of my mother, I foolishly thought they were gone, cut, burned and I was free.

Reflecting on my life and examining my steps along the journey are practices that I honed, particularly through my chaplaincy training. Every Friday afternoon, us Chaplain-Residents were "thrown in the fishbowl," as one of my fellow fish liked to call the room where we gathered to share our week and snippets of our lives.

At my recent 50th, childhood friends reminisced how quiet I was growing up. By the time of those fish bowl sessions, I had found my voice. Through those intensive hours of sharing, reflecting, digging and, yes, weeping, I excavated and surgically catheterized my wounds.

Not all it would appear.

Relationships have always been a challenging area for me. It is the one that the pus still oozes from, granted less copiously than say eight years ago. My relating with family, not relatives (those connected only by blood not heart), and close friends have evolved and transformed into such a precious gem. My daughter, my cousin in Australia and a couple Sistahs and I have a bond that is unbroken - shaken sometimes but indestructible.

Strangers who have become friends, met mainly through social media - Facebook and Twitter - hold a special place in my heart. Come spend a full 24 hours with me and you will notice a constant "pinging" of my phone, notification of messages coming in from all over the world. Some of my dear ones have earned their own ring tones!

The thread that showed its cotton this past weekend goes back to my unresolved trust issues.

Abused, abandoned, betrayed and used for many years by should-have been protectors and those who decided to be my lovers, left me wary until this day. Through therapy and spiritual counselling, I got over the worst of it. The last act of betrayal I survived was three years ago and I picked up the pieces and tearlessly moved on. However, a bit of thread still bound me.

He felt too good to be true and I looked for signs to prove it. Forgetting my own words that we find what we look for, I allowed myself to see what really was not there. Convinced that The Universe was testing me, I pushed him away.

The Universe does not play games however. It brings to you exactly what you ask for and sometimes differently packaged. That is where I went wrong, looking at the packaging. By the time I came to my senses, it was too late. The damage was done. The thread had wrapped itself around my heart one more time and squeezed the life out of what might have been.

That is the power of one strand of thread - if left uncut.

Day 15 of this Breaking Loose Challenge and with a bruised heart I am resting my "eyes," allowing them to heal as I cut this final thread. My instruments are:

• Active forgiveness of myself for ignorance and assumptions
• Fully letting go of past hurts and blessing those who participated in those lessons
• Increased portion of self love

Claudette Esterine

That, dear ones, is one way to cut those threads that bind but it starts with recognising that they exist in the first place. In my case, it came up as it has been on my vision board to encounter a spiritual partner. You might want to check your desires. The one issue that has been the most challenging might hold the seed of your greatest growth.

Most of all, have fun as you unravel the threads!

Namaste.