The Secret: Fail To Succeed

Clara Brown

"Don't wait for extraordinary opportunities. Seize common occasions and make them great.  Weak men wait for opportunities, strong men make them." Orison Swett Marden.

How often have you heard the saying "Life is what you make it?"

What the hell does it mean? How do you embrace the results whether you are 'making it' or not?

At the risk of being labelled repetitive, I am again about to quote my late mother.  It really is hard for me not to make reference to her utterances as she was the kind of woman who spoke a lot and was rarely proven wrong. Well, that is how it seemed to us her children. Now, as adults we see the wisdom in her words and her vision. She was indeed a simple yet wise and humble soul.

"Life is what you make it," she often said.  "Opportunities are presented to us every day. If you want to be happy, you can and will be happy.  If you want to be sad, you can and will be sad.  If you want to be successful, you have to go out and work for it.  Success will not just fall in you lap."

The "making it" does take work:

• Work to overcome your fears and failings.
• Work to convert the dream into reality. 
• Work to seize opportunities and turn them into the something tangible

All in all, "making it' is WORK!!!

It is an established fact that we will not succeed in every opportunity.  With time and a large enough number of them, we learn that failing is part of life.  Failures are part of the picturesque route to ultimate success.  They are the lessons that fuel our growth.

Image: pfitblog.com

I have had my fair share of failures. "What? You Clara?" Of course I have and they have been a few, including:

1. Failed at examination
2. Failed at having long lasting relationships
3. Failed at investment opportunities
4. Failed at achieving some goals related to my profession.

I could go on. In the final analysis, all of these failings taught me unique lessons as well commonly known lessons.

"A brilliant child," is what many called me. Reading fluently, I am told, at age 3, my tests were always passed with 'flying colors' right up to sixth grade in primary (elementary) school.  It was, therefore, expected by all that I would pass my Common Entrance Exams at the first sitting. The Common Entrance is the test Grade 6 students in Jamaica sat to move on to Secondary Level. This test has since been replaced by the infamous Grade Six Achievement Test (G.S.A.T.)

Then came the shock. I DID NOT PASS.

That was my first experience with the concept of failure.  My teachers were in shock, I was in shock but alas, my mother expressed no such emotion.

Very apprehensive, waiting for an explosion from her, I walked around the house on pins and needles for days. It took that before my mother said anything about my "failure." She must have sensed that depression was lurking in me when one day she finally said, "Pickney, di blow whey nuh bruk yuh back will mek it stronga!" (Translation: Child, the blow that does not break your back will make it stronger.)

Image: 10formation.blogspot.com

In my adult years at a session facilitated by Les Brown, he said something along the same lines and it immediately resonated with me. I have used that phrase many times since to lift myself up from the space tagged with the letters F-A-I-L.  The Common Entrance failure is today quite laughable compared to some of my subsequent ones.

It has been my fortune to be able to see the proverbial glass as half full. Frankly, people who constantly see the dark clouds without any hope for the silver linings are not interesting to me. My patience quota is great for people who need a bit of reminding but absolutely none for persons who are perpetually negative. If there is anything that drains my energy as being in the same space with negative people. Immediately the wilting begins!

Of all the secrets in the world, one of the most view-changing is to be able to transform some failures into successes. Just do not stop!  Keep trying, working and take advantage of opportunity after opportunity. This formula worked for me and continues to work in my life and in my friends' lives - those who have been willing to "Just Do It!" In spite of my failings, I remained thankful - don't raise your eyebrows - that is another secret, gratitude, and I am one grateful Chick.

"Life is too short...Don't ever waste it!Life is sweet......Take time to taste it!Life is a journey.....Find the right path!Life is entertaining.....Don't be afraid to laugh!Life is for good times .....Make them last!Life has its bad times....Put them in your past!Life is chance.....Make sure you take it,But most importantly ..........Life is what you make it!" Anonymous

If you need a little boost, contact us through our Facebook page. You are also invited to share your thoughts here and follow us on Twitter.

Continue to have a great day!

Clara Brown is a member of DOS and a Guest Author of our blog. She is an insurance executive and resides in Kingston, Jamaica.

Money, Money and More Money!

Wednesday, May 7 so it means we have an audio blog! Have a listen here.

Transcript

Is it not crazy how people make assumptions about you?

Take their assumption about you and money: how much you have or do not have; how you 'made' it and your willingness to spend it.

It is like walking in a store, such as the one my daughter and I went into yesterday, and the salesperson seemingly quickly summing you up. The one we had in the mattress store, to his credit, took some time to label us "stupid losers!" I am in the market for a bed and my daughter conned me yesterday about the time for her prenatal yoga class. So instead of killing the hour we had sitting in the car, we went window shopping for a bed.

Note that I said "window shopping." I had neither the resources to purchase a bed yesterday or even today nor did I have the deposit for one.

This store, the best mattress outlet in Canada - at least that is what their jingle basically says. I actually, sung it for the salesman yesterday - "Sleep Country Canada, why buy a mattress anywhere else!"

I knew he was a salesman right after I finished singing as he said I sang well! Liar!

We looked around, checked firmness and narrowed down the two options that I liked. So what was the problem, why would I not buy the mattress right there and then? The salesman could not understand. It was a great deal and the clearance sale could end any minute now!

"I don't have the money right now!"

"But it might not be here when you get back!" He insisted.

"What would you have me do?" I asked him.

His smart Aleck response was that I should deposit ten percent to hold it.

That was a reasonable enough suggestion but:

1. I still wanted to shop around
2. I did not have the ten percent
3. I do not like being pushed into something that I am not ready to do

Status or how I look to the observer is nor my issue. You can draw any conclusion about me - negative or positive - and I might not give two hoots, especially where it concerns money.

Money is not my mojo. It never has been and never will be. Sure, I love nice things, eating well, etc but being able to buy them on a whim is not my idea of "having arrived."

My motivation is having a dream and accomplishing it, then having another dream and reaching that too. In other words, the journey is what thrills me. Arriving at a destination gives momentary pleasure then I am off to the next level of enjoyment.

Want to see me high? Then give me a challenge to help someone step up their game, using my own God-given ttalents. What you will witness is Claudette on steroids!

Of course I will be purchasing the bed but on my schedule. Living up to anyone's estimation of my financial status actually p-s me off rather than inspire me. It is NOT about the money with me.

Is it with you? Share your thoughts with me here or on our Facebook page. You can also follow us at Twitter.

Continue to have a Mo-day!

The Dating Game Part 2: Over 40 And Stepping Out

Claudette Esterine

Just over two weeks ago I returned to Canada after spending a week shy of five months in Jamaica.

My love for Jamaica runs deep and it greatly saddened me that I had to leave. Again.

Fourteen years ago my family and I migrated to Canada. My daughter hated us for making her relocate, especially as she was in the throes of a new love. My then partner was the catalyst for the move and was ecstatic. I went along for the ride in hopes of keeping the relationship, which by then was in its 12th year.

To cut a long story short, one that I have written snippets about before, that relationship ended approximately four years after our migrating to Canada. Since then, I have dated mostly through online services and got married (also courtesy of an online dating site) to a gentleman from whom I have been separated for a few years now. In the time since then and now, I have had my hopes of finding "true love" dashed again by an antisocial pathological liar and con man.

If you are doing the math that puts me at 40+ years old. 

Smart, well educated (couple degrees), professionally accomplished and currently leading the Pearl Life, my journey to Jamaica was not to get my groove back. I was not on the hunt for a man (or woman for that matter) but a few did find me and there were the attendant proposals of marriage.

Being neither desperate nor silly, the attention and pproposals were spurned. I know one too many women who have been trapped in overseas love affairs with men whose hidden agenda prioritized: 1. Money and 2. Immigration Papers.

Afternoon at Hellshire Beach Good Friday

Sanely single, I hopped on a flight almost three weeks ago now and returned to Canada - western Canada - the region where I lived for most of my 12-year residency in this country. I left Jamaica with a broken heart for many reasons but primarily because my desire to be there on a more permanent basis had to be postponed.

Returning to Edmonton, Alberta to be with my daughter who is now six months pregnant has been an unexpected joy. She and my Kitten's father have both welcomed me with open arms and we are busy making plans how to move forward.

What does any of this have to do with 40+ dating?

Well, recent conversations with my daughter revealed that:

• My son-in-law refers to me as "the old lady." He was being caring with his comment but I was not amused!
• She, my daughter, has her ideas as to who I should date - if I must date anyone at all! 
• A list of the "unacceptable" dates have been drawn up and it include: anyone with serious mental health issues, younger men, anyone with a criminal record, no one whose body is not fully intact, no man who wears white pointed toe shoes and has a pot belly, no transgendered person and preferably no same-sex dates!

We were on our way to a prenatal appointment or a yoga class and I stopped the car in the middle of the road - in shock!

My daughter, Abi, and I in Toronto, 2013

"Mummy," she still calls me that, "You're crazy and it's time for you to settle down and date someone 'normal' if you must!" 

Ignoring the "if you must part," my only question to my daughter was, "Did I miss something here, did we switch roles?"

Admittedly, I have led a colour-filled life! Frankly, I see no reason to stop now! Lol! However, I understand and appreciate the underlying concern, which was it is time for me to find that "true love." My daughter is only desirous of my being happy in a relationship. She has seen me through a couple, no three, really intense ones - and all ended in tears, mine.

At 40+ and in North America, online dating remains the fastest growing industry for people to meet. These sites are putting bars and BBQ's out of business and increasing the patronage at coffee shops. Cell phone and internet service providers have nothing to fear as those of us who are looking to meet our next and hopefully final mate will keep them in business.

Successful dating, online or otherwise, especially for the over 40's require a different way of thinking. Read an interesting article on this and here are five things they suggest we rethink:

1. Accepting that your past is over, never returning, so your new "soul mate" need not match up to them. Fall in "like" with your next mate first as that might very well give you a net when the "glow" dims.
2. There might not be immediate chemistry and your heart may very well stay in your chest. While sex is still very much alive and in my view way more uninhibited over 40, companionship and support are way up on the agenda as well.
3. Nobody but you "completes" you! Your next mate ought to complement you.
4. Handsome men are candy to the eyes but not only to yours! Nothing wrong with appreciating good looks and a 'hot' body but if that is all 'brother' is bringing to the table, you will be dining alone, again, soon!
5. Dates are not interviews for your next perfect husband! Go and have fun! If he turns out to be funny, treats you respectfully but does not know proper cutlery use what's wrong with that?
6. I love my daughter with all my heart, however my happiness is paramount. On my next round of dating, if there is one, these five tips from The Star will be my guide!

Do you agree with them? Share your dating experience with us here or on our Facebook page. You can also follow us on Twitter.

Continue to make this an awe-filled day and remember to have fun!

Dust Your Knees Off: Celebrate Your Life In 5 Steps

Claudette Esterine

"Are you kidding me?" You ask as you read the title of this blog post. "Celebrate my life no matter what or who is in it?"

"Is this some New Age mumbo jumbo you are peddling Claudette?" Not interested.

No it is not, granted it has been labelled as New Age bull by those who are of more fundamental beliefs. As well, it is absolutely your choice to live and experience life however you desire.

My own experiences have taught me that the journey through life can be as rough or smooth; filled with struggle or ease or a trip that I cannot wait to have come to an end. It could also be a ride that I relish each twist and turn of as something exhilarating is ahead.

"Have you ever had bill collectors at your door while you hide under your bed hoping your kid will not say 'Mommy said she is not home?'"

Yes I have.

"What about not knowing how the mortgage is going to be paid for the second month running?"

Three months was my experience.

"Hunger, have you gone days without eating and homeless?"

Honestly, I have been fortunate to always find something to eat. It might not have been an healthy choice but it kept starvation at bay. However, I have had the experience of not knowing where I would lay my head for a few nights.

Through all these situations and challenges (that is what I have learned to view them as) the lesson was the same.

Celebrate my life right where I am at and watch it change for the better.

Jamaican Cherries (Image: real-jamaica-vacations.com)

My mother was nicknamed "Cherry" and for most of my childhood into adult years, I would hear her constantly sing one song: "I was once the fruit but now I am the branch!"

The emotions that I experienced hearing her lament her journey ranged from guilt to annoyance. Little did I know then to explain to her that she was "speaking into her life."

Doing what?

My personal view of the Bible is that it is a book of Wisdom, as are many others. On the subject of "speaking into your life," here is a powerful Wisdom from Proverbs 18:21:

"Death and life are in the power of the tongue, and those who love it will eat its fruits."

Some of you thought my suggestion to celebrate your life no matter what is some New Age crap. However, this message from the Bible underscores my point. I have written on this subject before, many times, that we create our experiences. You might not like what is happening in your life right at this moment and you can change it.

It is a process that include:

1. Acknowledging what is happening. Do not deny that your partner is cheating or that you have lost your job. It is happening.
2. Accept your influence and/or role in the situation. To do so is not to blame yourself but to lovingly recognize what your thought patterns and your behaviour were to have attracted this experience
3. Celebrate your new awareness and the blessons inherent in the experience. Rejoice that you now know how to change and grow from this point on.
4. Speak new words into your life. Claim a more evolved and joy-filled experience. Do this every day and expect it to happen.
5. Love yourself as you patiently await the unfolding of your new "good."

Mistakes and I are the greatest pals! 

There was a time that I would

Image: quoteswave.com

admonish myself for my mistakes. Shame would overcome me and I would suffer through the "humiliation" of having made another mistake. Not anymore.

That was when I cared about people's opinion of me and hence lived my life to meet their high or low expectations - they had both and I gladly pleased them.

Now, mistakes are my reason to throw a bigger party. Sometimes, yes, it might start out as a pity party but thank God for friends, angels in my life who know me well. They help me change the music very quickly! I celebrate my mistakes as a chance to prove my mettle, to make it and to grow through another challenge.

The taste of the dust on my hands is delicious as I pick myself up and brush my knees off.

My favourite words to speak into my life in moments like this? "This too shall pass!" More recently, my girlfriends have spoken some other words into my life as I dusted myself off from another fall: "You got this, girl!"

As I sort my clothes to take up my new position with an NGO here in Edmonton, I am creating a new schedule to ensure DOS is covered and that my independent distributorship continues to grow. I am celebrating my life and the growth and challenges ahead.

What about you, what types of parties have you been throwing lately? Are you celebrating your life or moaning your way through it?

Share your experiences with me by leaving a comment here, on our Facebook page and/or follow us on Twitter.

Whatever you do, change the music today and dance because "You got this!"


Claudette is the Founder of Daughters of Sheba Foundation and Editor of our blog. She is a Jamaican-Canadian and a Free Spirit.

Nigerian Schoolgirls Kidnappers Willing To Consider' Release - Daughters of Sheba Weekly

Read Here

The status and regard of women is the much larger story coming out of #Nigeria this past week. As the kidnappers 'consider' releasing the school girls they took, we highlight the question that must be asked: "Do Nigerians honour their female population enough to take a full stand against  ot just kidnappings but overall treatment of women?"


It is Saturday, May 3  and DOS Weekly is full of carefully select stories to meet the interest of women all over!  “Why the world needs more women in the workplace” and the 'stress factor' in men are some of thd other highlighted stories  of this the fifteenth edition of our Weekly. 

Do read and share with your friends!  Follow us on Twitter and *Like* our Facebook page to stay connected with us over the weekend. 

Have a great rest of the weekend! 

My Bestfriend Gave Me The Best Advice

Claudette Esterine - Founder

Daughters of Sheba started as a private Facebook group back in 2010. Over the years, we have evolved and downsized. One thing that has not changed, however, is our straight talk.

The Group started with about 40 women. Men were never included as we always wanted a private space for "big woman talk." Today, with 16 members, myself included, DOS as we fondly call ourselves remain a women's only and secret group. Even with the soft launch of the DOS Foundation, nothing has changed about the intimacy of the core Group.

Some of the best advice I have personally received and in some instances given, came from the Sistahs of DOS.

Over the last few months, some of those advice have been shared through this blog. Today, I will highlight a few.

Best Advice from my girlfriends (and I) on:

"The Poverty of Things"

"Excelling did not mean having cars, a huge house, acres of land as Maas Joe and Miss Daisy. To us, ‘things’ meant enough to provide fuel for the journey along the road to achievement of our life-long ambitions.  Our mother never put us under any pressure to do our school work.  Her repeated chant was instead, ”Pickney, work hard because mi nuh have no legacy fi lef give oonu."  Another perspective on ‘things’. We learnt from an early age that we can only count the cows in our backyard, not anybody else’s." Clara Brown


"Having His Baby..."

"Certain it was an inaccurate reading, statistics have proven that many EPT's are, back to the store I went. This trip, to make certain doubly sure, I purchased one…no - two…okay - three  more tests. Results: all positive." Karen Jeanette


"Murdering Your Boss"

"New research studies show that stress at work can kill you! Literally or could lead you to kill someone!!! The stress may be due to the demands of the job itself but, often the stress resides in a troubled relationship with your boss.  In my case, it was evident in a strong negative, almost physical repulsion I had to my new boss.  In his presence (and even at the thought of him), I had a visceral reaction that signaled an emotional ‘dis-stress', evident in my unusual excessive use of expletives and feeling physically troubled and frustrated." Janice Chang

"The Taming..."

"My first husband loved the feel of his hands. He especially loved how they felt on me. The last beating I received from him landed me in an emergency room in a foreign land. It was the last time a man or anyone for that matter would lay a hand on me." Claudette Esterine

These are but few of the best advice from the ladies at DOS. Browse through our archive for more on a variety of topics. 

If you would like to share some advice with us and our readers, on any topic, drop je a line. We would love if you would also *Like* our Facebook page and follow us on Twitter.

Enjoy the rest of the best day of your life!

Namaste

Girls, Girls Everywhere!

"So amazing how this world was made
I consider if GOD is a woman
The gift astounds me till this day
I give it up for THE WOMAN

She's the constant wind that fill my sail, oh THAT WOMAN
With her smile and her style
She'll protect like a child .....that's A WOMAN

She'll put a smile upon your face
And take you to that higher place
So don't you under estimate
The strength of A WOMAN." Shaggy, lyrics from his song 'Strength of a Woman'

Clara Brown

I grew up in a very female-dominated family. In this skirt-affected environment, there was my mother, who had six children: four girls and two boys.  Aunt No. 1 also had six children: four girls and two boys. Aunt No. 2, she had two girls.  Not to be left out, my father sowed other seeds and they produced another six girls.

Writing this piece, I smile at the thought of the infamous song "Girls, Girls Everywhere." They surrounded me during my secondary education at an all-girls High School.  Later, in University over 70% of my cohorts were girls.

"Girls, Girls Everywhere."

For over 20 years, I have laboured (pun intended) in the insurance industry and it too is dominated by "Girls." I recall travelling to Germany on a business trip about 10 years ago and went into 'Gender-shock.' A female colleague and I, accompanied by our Chairman, were taken aback to notice that in the eight meetings with our business partners, we were the only females at the table. At first, we felt the pangs of intimidation being in this 'male-infested' scene but that apprehension lasted for a nano-second.

We claimed our seat at the table! To this day, some of the most influential industry leaders remember our presence and impact and we continuously receive greetings from afar.

However, not every man is at ease with our dominant presence within the industry. There is discomfort among some of my male counterparts, who find it difficult to accept that a woman plays such a major role in a man's existence.

Image: jamaica-gleaner.com

Growing up in a female-dominated environment, I could not escape the fact that a woman's capability is limitless.  We were not socialized to believe that any of us, boy or girl, could not do anything we had our hearts set out on. Take my Aunt (#1) Pulachie, who ran her household like a Fort Knox general.  She could account for every dollar spent or made from either farming or tailoring. Her money management skills extended to the church fund and she could give account for every cent collected and spent, even though it was her husband who was the Treasurer!

Aunt Pulachi made decisions when the house was to be renovated. She determined which contractor would carry out the construction. If her nominee was not available, the work would wait until he was.  The funny part is, Mr. Mumby (the contractor) was not the best but he was the person Auntie Pulachie wanted and no one would rule against her.  Although I was concerned about the 'wearing of the pants' in Pulachie's household, my respect for her was enormous. My regard for my Uncle was in question as he was perceived as not having 'guts'. Auntie Pulachie was a CONTROLLER and as a young girl, I could not help but admire how ordered her steps were and how seriously she took on her respective roles and responsibilities. Today, all her children call her 'Blessed'.

My own mother, who would today be classified a 'single parent', raised all of us with an 'iron fist'.  The late Margaret Thatcher aka the "Iron Lady," must have taken lessons from my mother.

She would not by any means fit into our current stereotypical understanding of single mother. My mother was the only parent in our household but there was no 'singleness' about my upbringing. The many lessons taught in a female-dominated household and family are numerous.  Some were directly dictated and others learned by observation.  To this day, I frequently put these skills into practice, in my personal/home life and in my professional experience. Lessons such as:

How to Handle Money

Children watch how their mothers handle money.  In our home, money was in scarce supply.  We had enough to do the important things but financial planning was key.

A particular sum had to be "set aside," for example, as 'doctor money'. This money would be carefully wrapped and placed in the 'bottom drawer'. Those who grew up in the rural areas might be familiar with the 'bottom drawer - it was the most important space in the house.  New sleepwear, new underwear (emergency clothing), new socks for upcoming Sunday Best outfits, etc., were stored there.

Our primary lesson in financial planning was that paying the bills comes first and that instant gratification is less important than having what we needed

How to Handle Stress and Anger

The women in my growing up experience exhibited healthy reactions to stressful situations and we were taught to do the same. This is a lesson that has proven invaluable to all of us, me in particular, one that has helped in our private or public lives.

How to Solve Problems 

I find it appalling how 'parochial' people can be in their thinking today. The problem-solvers in my childhood were the wives of the double-parent households and, in my own single-parent household, my mother.  My father was active in our lives but we never went to him to resolve a problem. It was NOT done!

From this conditioning, it is now second nature for me, in my private and professional lives, to automatically engage my mind towards solving problems as they arise. Such is the power of positive examples.  Living among my women whether at home or in our community, submerged us into a depth of human capability and insight that has greatly served me and I give thanks for the exposure.

The strength of women has been grossly understated for decades. In recent discussions, including the Jamaican political context, there has been much talk about balancing the gender scale. These discussions have been going on since the rock of ages was a pebble! The statistics that indicate that entities headed by women tend to achieve better financial performane are not highlights of the economic history books. Such favourable performances have been attributed to the exemplary leadership by female heads of corporations.

Today, May 1, International Workers' Day, let us salute our women who labour in the workforce, side by side with men.

"There is a secret in our culture, And it’s not that childbirth is painful, It’s that women are strong." Laurie Stavoe Harm

Share your thoughts with us here, on our Facebook page and follow us on Twitter!

Be blessed and enjoy the rest of May Day 2014!

Clara Brown is an Insurance Executive and lives in St. Andrew, Jamaica with her spouse and only child, Jared. She is one of our regular Guest Authors.