Return To Sender

Having only left there less than a year prior, it was my intention to celebrate my 50th birthday elsewhere. Bermuda was my choice but my daughter, who had invited herself and my granddaughter along for the trip, really wanted us to go to our island home of Jamaica.

We migrated to Canada now almost 14 years ago, however, my heart remained in Jamaica for the longest while.

My past was there and during my five months stay I had hoped to retrieve it.

Much like a time traveller, somewhere in my mind there was the notion that I could go back and fix things, undo others and change the course of even more. My stay on the island from November 2013 to April 2014 was a dismay as I was unable to do any of that. My past was gone.  

There was only empty spaces, places and lots of memories to greet me.

Retreating to my hostess's home after one desperate trip to catch even a glimpse of the back of my past, wanting to just shake a fist at it for its cruelty to me, it dawned on me around 3:00 a.m. that it was time to return to Canada.

Time to go to Me.

Until then, my life had never truly been about me. First, it was centred on my mother and her needs, demands and expectations that I had to fulfill. All the empty spaces of her past were tunnels that my life was designated to close.

My daughter was third in line, after the "love of my life." Sixteen years it would be before I would turn my attention fully towards my baby. No, she was not neglected, far from it. Every cent that I earned went to her keep, education and entertainment. Well, every cent that my mother did not get. After the breakup and my breakdown along with it, my eyes zoomed in on my daughter. Side-ward glances to short lived distractions including another marriage but even that was for the benefit of my baby girl.

Suffocated by me ever presence and intrusion in her life, my daughter and I were estranged for many months. It was only then that the journey to me began in somewhat of an earnest.

This trip led me along a lonely, tiring, soul deadening, possession-losing, close to homelessness path. It was during this period that my determination to return to my past, bittersweet as it was, heightened. I scrounged and saved every penny possible and bought a one way ticket for home.

Five months later I realised that I had returned home but had not unpacked.

Now April 2015 and  I am physically back in my Canadian home of Edmonton, Alberta. It is where my daughter and my precious granddaughter reside. In just over a week, I would have been back one year. In that time, my return has brought me full circle to where it all began 50 years ago.

To Me.

Happy with my visit to my past, I am not returning. Grateful for all that I have learned along the way, the rest of my life is and will continue to be the best of my life. I have everything: Love, peace and an ever flowing stream of abundance.  I no longer have anything that I can lose as none of my "everything" is dependent on another human being.

That is the blesson of returning.

Share your thoughts on this or any of the posts in this blog. You may leave a comment here or on my coaching page. I look forward to exchanging thoughts with you.

Namaste,

 Claudette

Back to Basics: Four Tips For The Journey

Claudette Esterine

Wednesday is our audio blog day so do listen here!

Transcript

Today we are going back to basics. No, not asking or suggesting that you give up the washing machine, microwave or any of your modern day amenities and take to the hills.

The basics that I am on about today are some fundamental principles that you pick up as you walk this journey called Life.

I want to share four such principles with you. These are things people told me and I either did not listen initially or I bumped into them on my way up from falling flat on my face.

Spitting dust out of my mouth I learnt:

1. What is, is alright
2. Wipe the sweat and keep going
3. Stop touching the hot stove 
4. It is really all about You

In short, what is staring you in the face is here and you cannot change that again. So deal with it. Do not throw in the towel. Wipe the sweat (or the tears) with it and keep going - in a new direction, a more intentional one.

There was one principle that was very hard for me to get and that was to keep my hands off the proverbial stove. For the life of me, I kept putting it back; checking I guess whether it was really hot! Whether it was the men I chose to be in relationship with, the way I allowed some people to treat me or the financial decisions that I made - I kept getting burned!

Only now, 40+ years later I got it! If it burns me once there is no value in putting my hand back on that stove. If he slaps me once, why wait around for him to knock my teeth out? If my so-called girlfriend is always too busy when I call to do anything, why call again?

Finally, I got it that the trajectory of my life, my happiness with it and my sense of ownership of it begins and ends with me!

Tracy Chapman has a song that I listen to quite frequently.  "At This Point In My Life" speaks to me in a very profound way. Life, as she sings, is for living as if only Love matters. I would add self-love first and foremost as these four principles are grounded in an understanding that you love You!

Wherever you are emotionally right now, whether single or hitched, spend some time going over these Four Life Basics and share with me how you are living them.

Drop me a line, leave a comment here or on our Facebook page. I look forward to it.

Enjoy the rest of the journey today!

Namaste

Love: Thy Will Be Done

Claudette Esterine

"Thy will, not mine." Is that a 'prayer' you have uttered? If you have, is there a time or situation in which you do so the most?

In my case, this re-commitment prayer is usually invoked when things are Topsy-Turvy and I have too many choices to make. Really close friends will tell you never to ask me what I would like to eat when my sugar level has dropped. Bordering on delusional and hallucinatory, it could take me hours to answer that question. Just feed me whatever you think best - it is in your hands.

The same is true in those turning point moments. With many choices or possible roads to take, there are times when confusion sets in. For many years, my choice would be the one that makes "the other" happy; the one for the relationship; the one that earns me the most money or the choice in the interest of the child.

Fear has a way of urging you to choose against yourself.

Afraid of being alone, broke, with no friends or, worse yet no family, we tend to make choices that does not consider our own hearts. We choose loving others over ourselves. "I can do that later," is often the consolation we give our hearts.

Maybe

Image: godisheart.blogspot.com

you can but is that the most loving thing to do?

"You can be the most beautiful person in the world and everybody sees light and rainbows when they look at you, but if you yourself don't know it, all of that doesn't even matter. Every second that you spend on doubting your worth, every moment that you use to criticize yourself; is a second of your life wasted, is a moment of your life thrown away. It's not like you have forever, so don't waste any of your seconds, don't throw even one of your moments away."
C. JoyBell C.

Here is an irony: the greatest lesson in loving oneself was taught to me by my ex! I was told that I was being dumped as the pursuit of self was most important at the time.

It took me a couple suicide attempts, financial loss due to the breakup, several horrible dates and a disastrous marriage to a man with serious mental health issues I knew not of prior to tying the knot, for the lesson to sink in!

Finally I had enough! Tired of trying to make ends meet, living to suit others and ensure their safety and wellbeing and moving on fully from the memories of my greatest teacher of Love, I decided to give Me first shot at my heart.

Since then, I have stumbled, people have come into my experience with ulterior motives and so-called family who abandoned me for 30+ years reappeared heralding their love. Yet, I am managing to remain focussed, keeping my eyes as fixed as possible in the mirror.

Even as this is being written, another choice is before me. I heard myself muttering the words: "Thy Will be done, not mine." This time there is a difference.

I really do mean it!

Share your experience with me regarding your ability to unselfishly put you first. Sounds paradoxical in a world that teaches us self-sacrifice. However, as on an aircraft, if you don't put on the oxygen (love) mask first, you are of no use to anyone.

Leave a comment here or on our Facebook page. You may also follow us on Twitter.

Continue to have a love-filled day!

Claudette Esterine is the Founder of Daughters of Sheba Foundation and Editor of our blog. She is a Jamaican-Canadian and a Free Spirit.