Weekday blog offering practical advice through insightful and 'straight talk' articles for women by DOS Founder, Claudette P. Esterine, who walks the journey to self discovery each day and is a Member of The Wellness Universe.
Would it surprise you to know that there are people in your life who are not happy about you being happy?
Do you know that that is their problem?
Over my lifetime, my circle of friends has grown and then shrunk. Contemplating today's essay on turning up your awesome, it struck me that my number of friends decreased in direct proportion to the increase in my awesomeness.
Growing up, no one told me that I bore this "awesome" quality. Not to disrespect her memory but the descriptions that my mother used in relation to me had nothing to do with me being "extremely impressive or daunting; inspiring great admiration."
The beauty that she saw in me seemed short lived - dying soon after she gave me the nickname "Cutie."
Interested more in my body than my awesomeness, wannabe lovers and those who I allowed to be would call me "sexy," "beautiful," "good woman, "sweet" even. Maybe it is my age but I simply cannot recall ever being told by anyone intimately close to me that I was "awesome."
There are those who feel that such self-talk is egotistical, self-centered and arrogant. Well, that too is their business. When you have walked the long, dark, lonely and bitter road of low self-esteem, the only light guiding you out is from the lamp of survival. As you emerge, like I did, that lamp turns into the sun beaming sweetly as you step into the allness of you - however that may look.
I often refer to myself as "a woman with a past" and many are stuck on that. They attempt to remind me of it - in all its sordid, sticky and stained fabric. Yet, they fail to realise that I am no longer there. They refuse to take seriously the second half of that statement:
"A woman with a past, daily imagining her future."
In the daily lies the awesomeness. Having learned to live in the now, each morning as I rise my earliest thought, often the first one after 'thank you', is "all is working together for good - and it is awesome!"
Yesterday, my 26th celebration of Mother's Day, was the best and "awesomest" of my life. No, we did not don hats and attended a garden party. My daughter, granddaughter and my son-in-heart came to my place and shared a four-course meal that I chose to prepare. We talked some but quietly loved each other more and that is what made it the best day ever.
Simply awesome is how I would describe my life and myself now - without a hint of egotism, self-centeredness or arrogance. It is simply so because I named and claimed it as such.
You can too but I lovingly warn you - it is a daily, sometimes minutely endeavour. The rewards - an abundant, overflowing sense of wonder, appreciation and gratitude - are oh so delicious.
This awesome view on life is meant to be shared so if you are interested in some do drop me a line, join my list and visit my coaching page and let us together proudly proclaim our awesomeness! Namaste.
Fridays herald my days off from writing essays. Actually, that is not entirely true as I am always writing, jotting ideas down, tapping in paragraphs that streams into my consciousness.
This is the last post here for the week and as always the "best and most read" essay is highlighted. Seems that there is some interest in the "Diamond Life," as this was the piece with the largest audience. If you missed it during your hectic week, do have a read over the weekend and share your thoughts with me. You will find me via my coaching page which is updated throughout the weekend. Then, there is always email. Be sure to sign up for my list and be among those who receive updates, special offers and direct contact. Have a lovely and bright weekend. Until Monday, much love and blessings! Claudette
Searched high and low to find an image of this pen. Just as I searched 40 years ago to find the one that disappeared.
Never found that multi-cartridge pen that my uncle brought back from his stint in the United States. Just as I could not find an imagine of it today on the WorldWide Web.
What has not disappeared is the memory of it or the "back siding" my mother gave me.
I was warned not to take the pen to school but which child would listen to that when they possessed the very thing that could make them the centre of attraction?
When I discovered that it had disappeared, I searched every crevice along the paths I had taken that day. Not finding it and knowing the hell and powder house that was going to occur when my mother found out, I ran away. Well not quite. I hightailed to my father's family house, a place that I might have visited twice before. That is another story, my infrequent visits to the Esterines.
As night fell, my half brother took me home promising to plead on my behalf. We held high hopes that his pleas would soften my mother's hardening heart as he had done so before. That too is another story.
He failed and I was severely whipped and chastised.
In that incident, I learned my first lesson in disappearing possessions. It would pave the way for how I dealt with disappearing people and problem solving for a couple more decades.
"Hang on to things, people, anything that has material and emotional value or are status symbols with your dear life - or get an ass whipping!"
So I hung on! For dear life I gripped:
Every relationship or friendship even if the other party did not want to relate to me any longer
Pieces of papers that said I had earned certification, a degree, experience even though I had suffered through the course, job, etc and hated every second
If it disappeared, I would hunt and tie it down so tightly, rathering it dying than allow it to "leave" me. That is exactly what I did when a long-term relationship started dying in its 9th year.
Seven years later when it finally gave up the ghost and up and disappeared - literally and metaphorically - I started to learn the real lesson in disappearing acts.
Let them go.
In Jamaica we have a saying: "What a fi yuh can't be un-fi-yuh." Translation: What is yours is yours.
It would take me six more years to earnmy degree in "Goodbye Psychology." My professor, Life, was patient and allowed me to repeat classes and courses, gave me extra lessons and set for me the most rigorous examinations.
I graduated when I was truly ready to let everything, everyone and every situation disappear once they had fulfill their purpose in my life.
Today is my first anniversary at my current place of enjoyment. It is a proud moment for me not because I will receive a fat bonus cheque or something. My pride stems from the fact that this "Enjoyment Employment" is one of the several rewards that my professor, Life, has given to me.
My certification in "Goodbye" means that, finally I was ready to:
Work with an organization not for money but for the richness of service
Cherish friendships for their heart value rather than popularity ranking
Allow my most precious gift, my daughter, to be who she wants to be
Love wastefully anyone even those who piss me off
Release easily anything and anyone
Now, my remaining class through which I will receive a doctorate in "Goodbye' is in "The Joys of a Fully Free and Totally Unconditional Intimate Relationship."
If you would like to borrow my notes from previous courses or be my study partner in this class on "What a Fi Yuh..." do write to me, visit my page and join my list to get updates.
Be blessed and be ready to accept that what disappears is no longer yours!
My daughter was about 10 years old when I first gave her this book. Her puzzled look is one that will always remain with me. "Have you gone fully nuts Mommy?" was clearly the question asked in that almost crossed-eyed stare.
Abigail was not the only one who thought I had just about lost what little sanity remaining with me. Who could blame me anyway if I had? My and her life had gone through so much ups, downs and turnarounds by that point, our collective head was in a constant twirl!
She laid the book aside atop the journal that was also gifted to her by me. My instruction was that she should read the book and write daily affirmations. Who tells a 10 year old to read a book that has challenged scholars, scientists, pastors and thousands of others with its density of words and thought-provoking perspectives?
Catherine Ponder's "Dynamic Laws of Prayer" was my second read from her collection. I was desperate for things to change in my life, for money to start flowing to me like the River Jordan and for my family life to heal. When the teachings of "Dynamic Laws of Prosperity" 'failed' me, as prosperous was not what I was feeling, I turned to prayer.
What I failed to realise was that for all my affirming and praying, my true expectations were my blockage.
That lesson would take another 10 years to sink in. Meanwhile, I wanted my daughter to join in the West Cave 77 prayer group and she did - for about two days.
Accepting that it was all up to me - Part One of my lesson - I refocused, not immediately and not before further falling into a financial rut, migration, sinking further into both a monetary and emotional despair.
Reaching upwards to raise myself from the bottom of the pit, I started reading more scientific articles, books and papers. YouTube became my "church" as most of my Sundays were spent there scouring for information on quantum theory and physics, The Big Bang (not the television series which I love very much), the hyper connectivity of our world and mind-body-spirit explanations that went way beyond the Trinity.
I have a very inquisitive mind, always questioning, never accepting any one thought as the be all and end all. This had gotten me in lots of trouble with my mother and had lost me several friends, even up to this day, as I will not accept fundamentalism of any sort.
As I searched for a way "up" from the floor of my despair, through the myriad of sources one thing seemed to continually reappear - thoughts are creative. With my questioning self, I thought about this and it struck me that despite the attempt to dismiss this as "new ageism," it was an old truth.
Jesus: "Truly, I say to you, whoever says to this mountain, ‘Be taken up and thrown into the sea,’ and does not doubt in his heart, but believes that what he says will come to pass, it will be done for him." Mark 11:23 ESV
There could be no more clear guidance on expectations and doubt than this. What you expect to happen will. In the medical/scientific circles, this is demonstrated and termed "the placebo effect." Patients with the same illness given the real deal and "placebo" pills expecting it to cure them - will get the same result - healing!
It is your mind, silly and "it's worth taking stock of how often our imagination, our expectations and assumptions, bleed into reality and actually change experience or change our bodies. This isn't about denying, disguising, or not seeing what's true, it's about the cases when truth may be malleable," wrote Gareth Cook on the subject.
Soon after giving my daughter that Ponder book, she was out playing one day with a neighbour. Horse playing would be more like it. They both had a tumble and the other child broke her shoulder and my daughter hurt her hip. Since my daughter was the horse whose back the other kid fell off, we had to pay thousands of dollars for treatment. Luckily, Jamaica was not a litigious society so we were not sued.
We had no money to take Abigail to the doctor, so I gave her my own brand of "placebo" pills - affirmations of wellbeing and positive thinking wrapped in hot/cold compresses and painkillers. By the next day, she forgot about the aching swollen hip and was out swagging again.
I am in no way suggesting that you treat any injury or medical issues in this manner. This is merely an example of the many that I could offer where healing, favourable outcome, doors opening, etc occurred because it was expected, no other option was harboured or contemplated.
The challenge that you and most certainly I often face is when something unfavourable occurs and we are sure that there is no way under the sun we expected that! But are we really sure?
"Guard your heart will all diligence as from it flows the issues of life." That is another of my often repeated and favourite quotes. When "whatever" turns up in my life, and I pay particular attention to the unwanted, that is signal for me to check the recesses of my heart. There in the dark corners lie all my:
Petty resentments
Secret grudges
Baby green monsters (jealousy)
and all the feelings that I would like to disown.
Thing is, until you own and heal them, a daily task, they sprout and shoot arrows of negative expectations. They are so tiny and obscure you hardly see them zooming by.
"Who does she think she is wearing that?" You think looking at your friend's Facebook profile.
"How can he buy that car when they only last year filed for bankruptcy?" You question.
"What qualifies her to give advice when I have six degrees?" You ponder about this blog
"His nose is so big!" You laugh as single you describe your girlfriend's new boyfriend.
Time passes and:
Ulcers turn up
A wardrobe malfunction happens at your Christmas party
Redundancy happens
You are still single
all arising from those invisible negativity you focussed on, those dark expectations you harboured.
Here are the final points of the lesson I had to learn:
You get what you expect even when your words or thoughts are focussed on someone else's life.
Every word and thought is an expectation when powered by emotion. The result will be an equal match to the emotion.
Looking back on her life, it is clear to me that her Wellness Wheel was totally off kilter. Not only that, it was broken, crushed and "all the kings horses or men" had not one darn chance of putting it back together.
By my 35th birthday I knew it was up to me to crack that unwellness code or not only would my life be damned but my daughter's as well.
Unhappiness is passed along while wellness is something you have to return to - on your own.
I gave it my best shot - returning my mother to her state of wellness. When nothing within my power worked (money, providing for as much of her needs as I could, giving her full reign over my home, etc), I turned to God. By 35, I had started my "lessons in Truth," and as my mind and heart expanded to the teachings of meta-physicians, psychologist with a spiritual leaning and New Thought ministers, I took home the message to my mother.
She heard me how long enough to lead me to believe something was getting through. The fallacy of my budding conviction would crack wide open within hours, sometimes minutes as she laid a table of "woe is me" for everything under the sun.
There was no way I could convince her to fake it until she made it. She was as real as they came where it concerned poverty consciousness, lack, 'the world is against me mentality', hypochondria, defeatism and handouts.
She made her transition rooted and grounded in these and other convictions. Her late-in-life Christian baptism did very little to mend her broken wheel.
Early in life, I made the conscious decision not to be like her. To ensure that, I fought and flailed against all of her brokenness. The irony was - my struggle only brought me experiences that matched exactly what I was fighting to avoid. Thankfully I caught the error of my ways quickly before my own wellness wheel was destroyed.
My childhood of sexual abuse; my early marital life of domestic violence and my experiences of rape were enough to break my spirit. Yet, an unknowing resilience led me through.
As I struggled with the aftermath of broken relationships, driven to suicide attempts, nearhomelessness and living on the edge of a first world brand of poverty (basically paying to have a job), something kept calling to me, telling me to look within.
Books, workshops, seminars even church had given me the same messages but it took falling to my rock bottom really hard on my backside to hear it.
As I sat in my room in a boarding house, shivering in a thin coat at a deserted bus stop, shivering on cold winter nights or getting up from the snowbank in which I had fallen on my home after a late night shift I rewrote my script.
Wellness is mine in my life, world and affairs
My relationship with money is healed. I have enough, I earn sufficient to pay my bills
My current job is a window to one that will utilize all my skills
I have friends who love me just as I am and support my growth
My relationship with Abi (my daughter) is healing
These were just some of the affirmations I created and repeated, believing and knowing that my life was being recreated.
Yes, wellness is seen externally but must first be sensed and felt internally. No amount of money, medicine or material possession can instill wellness. Neither can prescriptive religious customs or gurus.
Wellness is a choice that only you can make, then activate and live. Start in one place in your life and it greatly permeates its entirety.
That is what I know for sure!
Namaste
Join my list, leave a comment and visit my page for more tips, updates and affirmations that may help you create and experience balance in your life. Some photo source: pinterest.com
Throughout my life and thus far, I have owned two pieces of diamonds. Real diamond.
Both were given to me by then partners. The first lovingly so and then second grudgingly. Today I have neither pieces.
Jewellery mean very little to me. Without a wristwatch for ages now, my phone tells me the time. Costume pieces are what I most frequently wear. In fact, the only piece of real gold that I possess is my last wedding band and I wear that on my right hand every single day.
The mate who gave me the first "bit" of a diamond that I ever had in my life was so excited to share with me how precious it was. My muted response was "Oh, I see." The cut, the colour, the clarity and the carat - the four attributes that one must understand to know a real diamond from a cubic zirconia, meant nothing to me.
Even today, researching "real diamond" for this essay, my head spun with all the intricacies of diamond selection. The only thing that stood out for me was "clarity." Why?
Well, over the last year or so, I have been recreating my life, embarked on a new leg of my journey through this human experience and clarity has been a vital tool for me.
During this time, like a diamond, a name "derived from the ancient Greek αδάμας (adámas), "proper", "unalterable", "unbreakable", "untamed", from ἀ- (a-), "un-" + δαμάω (damáō), "I overpower", "I tame," my journey has had the same qualities.
Unlike a diamond in a fine jewellery store, my cut (place in life), colour (skin) and my carat (body image) were secondary aspects to my growth. There was a time when they were not; when my primary focus was on one or the other of these. Over the past 18 months or so, my attention has been most steadfast on clarity.
My essays are really "sharings' of the road that I have either travelled or currently am on. Knowing that there are others who often feel they are alone in a particular experience, I share mine to support them. Through these four experiences of clarity coming into focus in my life, I was able to:
Simplify my surroundings, having only what I really need and matters.
Pay attention to bodily cues, improve my health by being clear that I eat to live and not the other way around.
Enclose my circle, allowing only those who understand and accept my boundaries into my innermost circle. As I wrote in a recent post, "I share publicly but decide privately."
Know that my life has had its ups and downs, that my past path may be different from others but it is mine so I love it!
My place in life (cut) is always evolving according to the Master Cutter's design. My colour (skin) is an important aspect of me that shades the way I experience the world. My experience of the world and those within it is through the clarity of my lenses. The carat of my life is based on all three.
I am a diamond and so are you!
Let us shine brilliantly together, set in the jewellery called Life. Write to me, share my page and join my list and receive tips, offers and special content for this Diamond life!
Saw a post earlier this morning on Google+ that gave me another reason to be happy. This month is also observed - officially or not - as "Masturbation Month!" Happiness tun' up!!!
Wrapping up April, the most read essay was on the matter of living an expanded life. You can read it again or for the first time here. Please share with anyone who might need some suggestions.
I would love to be in touch with you over the weekend. As there is no blog posting until Monday, do visit my coaching page and/or join mailing list and let us connect.
