Serendipity: Such A Lovely Word

Serendipity…such a lovely word. They even made a movie of that name, one that I really ought to watch if only to see whether they have done justice to the word.

The first time I encountered the word, I did a “seren…what?”

Serendipitous I believe was how it was used, the adjective: “Occurring or discovered by chance in a happy or beneficial way.”

Actually, a man that was sojourning with me recently said as we pulled out of a parking lot something about a “positive serendipity.” He quickly corrected himself, realizing that his statement was inaccurate. “That’s wrong,” he said, “There is only serendipity which is a positive thing. Serendipity cannot be negative!” He seemed almost angry for despoiling such a beautiful word.

There is a perfume that I love to use, not because it smells better than any other perfume ever made. I love it because of how I feel when I am wearing it. Anais Anais is the name of my favourite perfume, just in case you wanted to know. That perfume wears me. It does things to me. It makes me sashay and glide. I feel sexy, ultra sexy when I spray it behind my ears, on my wrists, over my body. My world somehow feels in order.

Image: goodlifezen.com

When the word “serendipity,” rolls off my lips that is exactly how I feel – everything is order.

Like so many of you, I have fought against life and the circumstances that it has brought me. As far back as I can recall, life felt as if it was a constant struggle, a war that I would never win. Battles here and there I won but the real big fight, the war seemed doomed from the start.

How could a girl like me win a handsome, rich man? When would my boat come in with my white picket fence life? Never it felt.

A few years after graduating from University, my degree felt like a worthless piece of paper as all the doors closed to the career that was supposedly on the horizon. Being a single mother and smack dab in the middle of the parent-young child sandwich, I was not sure what to do. Without even knowing what was happening, Serendipity stepped in. She never left me for long after that.

“There's always going to be the circumstances you can't plan for. There's always the unexpected relevance and the serendipity.” Jason Silva

It was never in my plan to get into communications. Politics was my love – was since I was old enough to climb onto a soap box and share my opinions. Circumstances had it that I would meet someone who hated politicians and especially the political party that was very much part of my journey up until my 35^th year. 

People and their concerns were always at the core of my being and so although elected politician I never became, they were never far from me for over 10+ years of my professional life.

Serendipity it was then as I launched into a fairly successful life as a public relations executive in government and the political sphere. She turned up again when circumstance took me to Canada and opened the window to fields that I would never have thought of entering – chaplaincy and criminal justice. 

It was at the crossing of those two rivers that my life changed for ever – again.

“I have never chosen my next job. I focus on what's in front of me, and serendipity steps in.” Susan Brooks

Almost twelve years after leaving her shores, there were no reasons to continue ignoring the desperate longing in my heart to return to Jamaica. I was terribly unhappy with my life in my new city of Toronto, a place that I had gone to two years prior to my decision to finally go home. A numbing kind of loneliness had set in, one that taught me to be so comfortable with my own company having been abandoned and dumped by those who promised to be different and to be my family. I knew if I did not escape my self-imposed isolation sooner rather than later, a convent or an asylum would be my next home.

Yet, Serendipity was not finished with me.

My old friend led me home but quickly started whispering to me to be careful of what I wished for. Soon, another set of false promises, lies, and outright “two-faced” attitudes – started to reveal themselves. I was at another crossroads but this time, I knew I was not alone. So after almost five months in “paradise,” in five days I made the call, bought my return ticket and was on a plane back to Edmonton, Alberta.

This time, She came as the face of my grandchild. Still in her mother’s womb, this child called to me to come “home.” My DOS Sistahs know the full version of this story, this segment of my journey. All I will say now is that it was a call that no mother could miss – even though it came via Facebook, by way of a photograph. I remember receiving the message and in an instant knew I was returning to Canada, no longer interested in waiting for the “contract,” to be signed. I left on April 19, 2013 and this might very well have been a life and death decision – for my Kitten.

There are times when it seems as if nothing is going your way but I am here to tell you that more often than not everything is in perfect order. A wise woman once said to me that it get “worsa than worse, before it starts to get better.” For me “worsa” were suicide attempts, bankruptcy, a totally shattered heart, utter betrayal and abandonment.

“Better,” has been the breath of the Divine that breathes in and through me, reminding me constantly and when I will stand still enough, that All Is Well.

Awww…Serendipity, you are Beauty Itself.

Claudette is the Founder of DOS Foundation and the Editor of this blog. You can reach her by leaving a message here or through our Facebook page.

Blooming Amazing!

Clara Brown

A few weeks ago, on one of our locally produced TV shows, there was a discussion with a group of brilliant students who will soon be entering secondary level schools. The host asked each of student to describe their feelings regarding the school at which they were placed. In Jamaica, we have a system that places students based on their grade at the final, Common Entrance, examinations.

The only girl on the panel of five, aged 12, declared excitedly that she was very happy and was looking forward to going to High School even though the school at which she was placed was not her first choice. This young lady said she believes one should always strive to "bloom where they are planted."

Soon after, I saw that my 'Champion Sister' (my nickname for Claudette), posted a similar message as this 12 year old had said that had me 'flabbergasted'. I was surprised, proud of her and her words at such a young age caused me to reflect and introspect.  

Have I always bloomed wherever I am planted? In my blooming, am I hurting others as I allow my blossoms to burst forth?

Seeking external motivation, I frequently listen to the speeches of Martin Luther King, Jnr. They are all favourites but one that resonates with me most is the "Street Sweeper" speech:

"If you cannot be a pine on the top of a hill be a scrub in the valley, but be the best little scrub on the side of the hill. Be a bush if you can't be a tree. If you can't be the sun, be a star. It isn't by size that you win or failBe the best at whatever you are."

Another excerpt that stands out with me is: "My friends, even if it falls your lot to be a Street Sweeper, go on out and sweep streets like Michelangelo painted pictures: sweep streets like Handel and Beethoven composed music; sweep streets like Shakespeare wrote poetry.  Sweep streets so well that all the hosts of Heaven and Earth will have to pause and say,"Here lived a great Street Sweeper who swept his job well.".

A lot of my friends  are not very comfortable with their status  right now.  They continuously  are seeking ways to get themselves out of their present situation with such a rush, hoping to make a 'better life'.  What challenges me however, is that they seldom spend enough time to study their lanes and run their best race.

Charlotte Beck said:

" Life always gives us exactly the teacher we need at every moment.  This includes every mosquito, every misfortune, , every red light, every traffic jam, every obnoxious Supervisor (or employee), every illness, every loss, every moment of joy, or depression, every addiction, every piece of garbage, every breath-----every moment is a Teacher."

Life also has a way of putting a hold or pause button on our journey.  You can  either sweep your job well or frustrate yourself by cursing where you are and make plans to escape from the situation. Be warned, however, that if fate dictates that you stay in the 'holding' position, the escape plan will be an effort in futility.  It is best that you embrace and till the soil, bringing forth plants which bloom until the change comes along.

To bloom does not always have the same look.  A huge sunflower and a small daisy both bloom - different sizes but both bring so much pleasure and joy. Size does not alter the impact.

Sunflower, daisy or dandelion, bloom where you are planted, accept your present circumstances and make the best of the situation.  Accept that you cannot control everything and make the best of the situations you are presented with. There are many things in life we cannot change but it will be a much more pleasant experience if you keep a positive attitude.

This is my status on BBM and I am in no hurry to change it:

"Instead, pursue the things you love doing, and then do them so well that people cannot take their eyes off you."

That, in my view, is blooming exactly where you are planted. Would you agree?

Share your blooming story with us, here or on our Facebook page and have a great rest of the week!

Butt Out In Three Steps

This is something that I have written on before, however, the recent passing of Robin Williams has brought it to the fore again, at least with me.

Why is it that we spend so much of our lives concerned with what others are doing with theirs? Why are we so nosy and incapable of staying focussed on our own affairs?

My view, unasked as usual, is that if each of us would spend more, if not most, of our time concerned with what is going on in our hearts and homes, paying more attention to the issues of both, then there would be less drama all around.

Facebook has turned many of us into voyeurs, full time snoops into other people’s business. I raise my hand in guilt of being one of those who would regularly look at my friends’ pages and even look up people from my past. Guilty and ashamedly so I am.

This is no longer my practice. I have left the private investigation business to those who care.

In the early days of this particular social medium, I spent too many hours checking out other people’s business. So much so that my own daughter would block me from hers! Yes she did, as she was fed up with my contentious behaviour with people who made negative and disparaging comments on her page – about her, about people of colour, about women or just about anything that ticked me off!

Maybe I should not have confessed that? I believe in full disclosure and for me to share my view on any topic, it behoves me to confess or admit my digressions from which I learned valuable lessons.

Another lesson in “minding my own business,” came a few weeks ago and again with my daughter. She is way more private than I will ever be so some of the details will remain private. Suffice it to say, we parted ways physically because again I did not keep my mouth shut and out of her affairs. This was a hard lesson to have repeated but one that I got, finally.

Let me quickly add that this whole issue of “minding your own business” is not about turning a blind eye to injustice, abuse or any action or behaviour that demeans humans and animals alike. What I am referring to here is:

1. Not offering unsolicited advice
2. Not interfering or attempting to dictate to others how they should lead their lives
3. Checking your intentions before responding to another’s request for advice/suggestions

A fourth could be: Keeping your lioness caged when you perceive your adult children’s dignity is being challenged but they have not asked you to go to war with them.

That was the lesson taught to me recently by my daughter and one that I have taken fully onboard. Now, I have don my cheerleader gear – hot pants and all – and encouraging her from the sidelines.

“Let people do what they need to do to make them happy, mind your business, and do what you need to do to make you happy.”

Image: pinterest.com

Are you in the habit of giving unsolicited advice or taking care of other people’s business without being asked? Want to learn how to stop butting into other people’s affairs and pay closer attention to yours? It really is simple and I am willing to share with you how I am doing it. So drop me a line and/or visit our Facebook page for more details.

Have a great rest of the day.

International Youth Day: Time To Start Healing

Claudette Esterine

Idyllic is not a word you would use to describe my childhood or the home that I grew up in. Granted, my childhood friend and member of DOS, Dr. Janice Chang, told me a couple years ago that although we lived next door to each other for many years, she had no idea that my life was less than perfect.

My mother had her masters in pretense. In all fairness to her, she tried to pretend her way into respectability. Little did she know that such is a value that is first engendered in oneself then exuded from one’s being into your world. You cannot buy or blackmail your way into respect.  

This was a lesson that was taught to me over many years and bucket loads of tears.

She was a study in contradiction, my mother. On the one hand, she would always tell me that education is key, as well as manners. At the slightest infraction, she could be heard screaming from down the road, “Manners will take you through the world!” The neighbours, like Dr. Chang, never knew that that lesson was being imparted through fist thumps to my head and whacks to my back.

Image:meltononthemove.com.au 

I left my mother’s house for the first time at 16. What I did not know then was that depression had already visited me and was setting up house with me.

It was not until my first marriage and its breakdown did it rear its “ugly” head and said hello. Yet, I ignored it. I was in love – with my husband and with the idea of being married – but not with me. He was not my first love. I had several prior to him, including a man many years older than myself. All these relationships taught me one thing – that I was not good enough.

In fact, they merely reinforced what was taught to me through my mother’s fist, knife and any instrument that she could lay her hands on to inflict pain on me. To her, I was being disciplined, taught “manners.” Actually, I was being viciously abused and my self-esteem was being dragged along the streets of hate.

When my daughter and I returned to my island home, Jamaica, upon my completion of studies in the former Soviet Union, her father and I entered another bitter level of battle over her. At the time I was in another relationship with my soul mate, the only person in this world who has every expressed and demonstrated what it means to love someone beyond comprehension. As the battle for my daughter was heating up, distressed and extremely homicidal, a girlfriend gave me a most value lesson in parenting.

“Show Abigail love and only love. Never speak ill of her father and surround her with love. She will figure things out for herself in time.”

Sound advice you know upon hearing. It resonates deep in your soul and this one did. No, I did not manage to keep my mouth shut at all times but I did manage to limit to bare minimum any snide comments or sharing any detail with Abi about her father’s and my divorce.

Image: acidpen.wordpress.com

Does my daughter have the highest self-esteem a human being, particularly a woman, can possess? Probably not, however, as I observe her, even just yesterday, I see a young woman who truly loves herself and is learning more and more how to reach out when she needs help. I am particularly fortunate that in the last few months, she is opening her heart to me – woman to woman.

Our youth are often misguided, lacking in self-esteem and have no true role models to demonstrate self-love. A particular young lady comes to mind as I write this. She believes and behaves as if all that matters is designer clothes, make-up, partying and sex. I am a Facebook junkie of no mean order but this young lady beats me as to what she will post simply for attention. Yet, those who need to or needed to be paying attention and guiding her are too busy trying to be “pals” with her and themselves in need of a good dollop of self-esteem.

We all are here to walk our paths. No one can do the journey on our behalves. Individually we get to choose our companions. Sadly, unless we received the necessary grounding in love, respect, self-worth growing up, we will chose lust posing as love, and cover our pain with drugs, alcohol, food, anything that will allow us to hide the scars inflicted through negligence and ignorance of those who were assigned to show us the way.

Image: imagebomb.com

Robin Williams’ apparent suicide yesterday (August 11, 2014), I pray will open wider the door to acknowledgment and acceptance that depression is often masked with drugs, alcohol and/or food.

Food was my own mask for many years. I have very little tolerance for alcohol and none for illicit drugs. Lust pretending to be lust was another favourite of mine, especially in my youth. My heart saddens when I observe women of my age still making this mistake. It hurts me even more when they are parents as I know their children are watching and taking notes.

As mothers and even grandmothers, let us show our youths another way. It is time. Einstein it was that said: 

“Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.”

It is time to stop this insanity. It is time to speak and about, as well as with our children, grandchildren and wards of another way, a different way of living. My own journey has taught me that teaching manners is only one step (granted not beating it into our children). We ourselves need to learn to love ourselves and not be afraid to show our children that whatever your family has is enough; that they are enough.

Let us teach our children that respect is an inside job – one that you are willing to do, for you and for them.

As a global village, it is time to start the healing. Join us from your little small corner wherever you are in our world and share your journey with us here or on our Facebook page.

Namaste.

My Choices Made Me Who I Am

Choices.

Claudette Esterine

A smile lights up my face as I think about some of the choices that I have made.

As far back as I can recall, I was never one to not make a choice. Some people go through much of their lives without consciously “picking a side.”

My former partner of 16 years and I would argue over her propensity to always sit on the fence. It annoyed the heck out of me. She would never pick a side, finding some sort of nobility in remaining on the fence and watching the rest of the world fight over spoils. From my peace-loving perspective now, her raison d’etre makes some sense. Why join in the fracas? Let the minions or as she would more than likely say – the idiots – fight.

That was never my style.

I knew which political party my loyalty belonged to since my seventh year on Earth. By 11, I was ready to cast my vote.  When my neighbours went to St. Hugh’s High School, it became my choice for my secondary education. Being a planner from a young age, I was clear which girls’ school was my second choice – Alpha High.

Without knowing the educational requirements, again once I heard of my neighbours and childhood friends to date – Dr. Janice Chang and her sister Grace – choices for future career, medicine, I decided to become a paediatrician. When it became clear that my grades would not allow me to peek through the gates of medical school much less enter, I quickly decided on the hospitality industry.

Politics was my real love, however, so when the opportunity arose for me to earn a degree my immediate choices were to pursue studies in International Relations and Political Science. Later, upon migrating to Canada, a plethora of choices were before me as the doors to my former educational achievements closed due to lack of Canadian experience. That is the topic for another post.

Fortunately, my heart was already expanding and so was my spiritual quest, my choice was easy. Soon after putting down my bags in Edmonton, Alberta and realising that another choice had to be made – I entered Theological Studies at a Catholic University. That again was a deliberate choice. There were seminaries of other denominations but I chose to learn about systematic theology and Christianity from one of its main architects.

Not choosing is really a choice. I have written on this before. 

I made such "not-choosing choices" regarding intimate relationships and friendships for many years. My transition from comatose relating to conscious connections was gradual and over many years. However, once there, I never looked back. 

It would be a lie to tell you now that any relationship that I have entered, even encounters (and I have had a few) were unknowing. My eyes were always wide open.

A wanna-be partner was recently shocked at my choice not to be his “trophy girlfriend.” Within 15 minutes of dragging out of him his true intentions, to parade me as his prize – a strong, beauty-filled, educated, intelligent to boot, black/Jamaican woman; something his ex-finance could hardly come close to – I walked out of his life, kicking the door shut in his face.

Image: etsy.com

It has taken me too many tears and too many choices to be where I am today – free, independent, self-supporting and full of Spirit – to allow anyone be it man, woman, friend or even foe to treat me in any manner demeaning of my personal esteem of Claudette.

Women who bawl their eyes out, blaming Life over the choices or not-choosing choices that they have made will get little sympathy from me. I was one such and learned the hard way – that whatever comes to me is my choice. I love how Stephen Covey phrased it:

“But until a person can say deeply and honestly, "I am what I am today because of the choices I made yesterday," that person cannot say, "I choose otherwise.” ― Stephen R. Covey, The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People: Powerful Lessons in Personal Change

Can you say this? Let me hear you say that here or on our Facebook page.

Namaste.

A Woman's Intuition: Mystery or Myth

Clara Brown

If a woman asks you a question, it's better to tell her the truth because chances are she's asking you because she already knows the answer."

Albert Einstein said "The only real valuable thing is intuition."  Intuition or sixth sense is something many of us rely on for quick judgments and often life-altering decisions.  A report of study in Britain's Journal of Psychology (2008) defined intuition as what happens when the brain draws on past experiences and external cues to make a decision but it happens so fast that the reaction is at an unconscious level.

"A woman knows by intuition or instinct what is best for her"self- Marilyn Monroe

Research has upheld the view that a woman's intuition is more fact than foolery.  Theories have suggested that women have an enhanced ability at reading facial expression and emotions. We are much more likely to pick up on subtle cues and read tone of voice and body language much better than men.

Image: themindonpages.wordpress.com

Recently, a few of us girls were engaged in one of our "Help Me Sister On-line" discussions. After minutes of worthwhile banter, laughter, food-for-thought advices and solutions geared at resolving the problems, the Champion Sister then  said, "On another note, how are you all doing otherwise? Is every thing OK?" I found it strange that she should have asked such a question after we seemingly had already thrashed the problems brought to the discussion.

Really taken aback and I waited to see what the responses of the other Sisters would be.  Alas, to my surprise, another Sister brought up a problem she was having with her child. We delved into that with our usual vigor.  However, I could not get over the experience and later asked the Champion Sister how she knew they was at least one other un-aired problem.  She responded that she sensed there was something wrong. I frivolously remarked, "You must be clairvoyant!"

Could this be attributed to the power of a woman's intuition? We were online, no two of us in the same room; no body language to observe.  There was no emotional display outside of the issue we were first discussing. So what would have driven our Champion Sister to ask that "how are things otherwise" question?

I submit - Woman's Intuition.

Image: dailyplateofcrazy.com

Have you ever had the feeling that you should carry out a particular action, one that felt as if your life depended on it? Alan Alda said, "You have to leave the city of comfort and go into the wilderness on intuition.  What you will discover will be wonderful.  What you'll discover is yourself"

There are countless stories from persons whose lives have been altered significantly because they followed their gut-feeling or intuition.  Our intuition offers us power that is a lot more subtle.  Many have downgraded it to sixth sense but it is more powerful than that. What else can explain the way we feel and how we interpret things men just cannot seem to understand.  What explains the raw gut feeling we get when we know something is wrong?

I am sure it is that magical force called intuition that tells you something is not right before any signs even appear. It is a powerful force within us and while many times it is an unwelcome guest, it should always be received and respected as it is a sign that something needs adjustment or just merely to prepare us.

Do you pay attention to your intuition or gut feeling? How much do you rely on it to make those life-altering decisions.  Share your experience with us here, or on our Facebook page.

Have a great rest of the week!

Stop Working Like A Dog

Claudette Esterine

The topic was “Working Like A Dog,” and my intent was to connect that particular notion to the relationships that we enter.

Tempted as I am to say that I was working like a dog hence my not being able to write a post yesterday, I will not because truth be told, I have not worked like the proverbial dog in a long time. In fact, another truth is that personally, I have never seen a dog working!

As promised yesterday, today’s blog will cover this topic as well as today’s informal/indirect topic of being your own healer, medicine woman or even shaman.

In my lifetime, we have had about five (5) dogs: two mongrels that for the life of me I cannot remember their names, Murmar (a Doberman), Betty (my first and only full breed Shi-tzu), Angello ( a Pomeranian-Shi-tzu cross) and Marley (son of Angello).

Five or six dogs later, I am yet to see a dog working!

I have seen them sleep, play, eat, then sleep, play and eat some more. Yet, I think the thought behind the phrase does not escape me, however it is not one I endorse – not any longer.

Years ago a book entitled “Do What You Love And The Money Will Follow” was given to me. My sarcasm was no match to my then partner’s, yet I read it and had one of many light bulb moments. The book received mixed reviews, from the usual bunch of critical and disbelieving suspects to the so-called hippy, new age gang who believe in chanting “Om” all day.

A quote from that book by Marsha Sinetar changed any notion I had that it was my duty to work like a dog, to achieve my desires or to get or maintain any relationship.

“To find in ourselves, she said, “or what makes life worth living is risky business, for it means that once we know we must seek it.  It also means that without it, life will be valueless.”

Dogs know who and to whom they belong – and so do I. What I see dogs do is loving their human partners, or you might prefer saying owners, unconditionally – without losing their identities as dogs. That is what most of us do – once we are in any type of relationship.

I love her dearly, however, one of my Sistah-friends will tell you that no matter how hard she has tried to get me to dress a certain way or worse yet go clothes shopping with her – it has not happened and will not happen! I am Me.

To even contemplate living truly like a dog – loving unconditionally, playing gleefully, eating well and sleeping blissfully (not working like one) one must first find themselves. That means healing past hurts, taking the lessons they offered instead of covering them over with guilt, shame, platitudes or even pretense. Moving forward, it is even more important to adopt another dog attitude – “if you cannot eat it or play with it, then piss on it and move on!"

No one can do your inner work for you; no one can do your healing. You have to come to the point where you no longer have a need or desire to be anyone’s dog or doormat; ready to heal your life and allow what is yours to follow.

Read through our blog archives and you will most certainly find ample practical tips to start this healing journey, ways to stop “working like a dog” to fit anyone’s expectations and stories about how my co-authors and I stepped out on this journey to authentic living. As well, *Like* us on Facebook and receive updates as they are posted. 

Namaste.