International Youth Day: Time To Start Healing

Claudette Esterine

Idyllic is not a word you would use to describe my childhood or the home that I grew up in. Granted, my childhood friend and member of DOS, Dr. Janice Chang, told me a couple years ago that although we lived next door to each other for many years, she had no idea that my life was less than perfect.

My mother had her masters in pretense. In all fairness to her, she tried to pretend her way into respectability. Little did she know that such is a value that is first engendered in oneself then exuded from one’s being into your world. You cannot buy or blackmail your way into respect.  

This was a lesson that was taught to me over many years and bucket loads of tears.

She was a study in contradiction, my mother. On the one hand, she would always tell me that education is key, as well as manners. At the slightest infraction, she could be heard screaming from down the road, “Manners will take you through the world!” The neighbours, like Dr. Chang, never knew that that lesson was being imparted through fist thumps to my head and whacks to my back.

Image:meltononthemove.com.au 

I left my mother’s house for the first time at 16. What I did not know then was that depression had already visited me and was setting up house with me.

It was not until my first marriage and its breakdown did it rear its “ugly” head and said hello. Yet, I ignored it. I was in love – with my husband and with the idea of being married – but not with me. He was not my first love. I had several prior to him, including a man many years older than myself. All these relationships taught me one thing – that I was not good enough.

In fact, they merely reinforced what was taught to me through my mother’s fist, knife and any instrument that she could lay her hands on to inflict pain on me. To her, I was being disciplined, taught “manners.” Actually, I was being viciously abused and my self-esteem was being dragged along the streets of hate.

When my daughter and I returned to my island home, Jamaica, upon my completion of studies in the former Soviet Union, her father and I entered another bitter level of battle over her. At the time I was in another relationship with my soul mate, the only person in this world who has every expressed and demonstrated what it means to love someone beyond comprehension. As the battle for my daughter was heating up, distressed and extremely homicidal, a girlfriend gave me a most value lesson in parenting.

“Show Abigail love and only love. Never speak ill of her father and surround her with love. She will figure things out for herself in time.”

Sound advice you know upon hearing. It resonates deep in your soul and this one did. No, I did not manage to keep my mouth shut at all times but I did manage to limit to bare minimum any snide comments or sharing any detail with Abi about her father’s and my divorce.

Image: acidpen.wordpress.com

Does my daughter have the highest self-esteem a human being, particularly a woman, can possess? Probably not, however, as I observe her, even just yesterday, I see a young woman who truly loves herself and is learning more and more how to reach out when she needs help. I am particularly fortunate that in the last few months, she is opening her heart to me – woman to woman.

Our youth are often misguided, lacking in self-esteem and have no true role models to demonstrate self-love. A particular young lady comes to mind as I write this. She believes and behaves as if all that matters is designer clothes, make-up, partying and sex. I am a Facebook junkie of no mean order but this young lady beats me as to what she will post simply for attention. Yet, those who need to or needed to be paying attention and guiding her are too busy trying to be “pals” with her and themselves in need of a good dollop of self-esteem.

We all are here to walk our paths. No one can do the journey on our behalves. Individually we get to choose our companions. Sadly, unless we received the necessary grounding in love, respect, self-worth growing up, we will chose lust posing as love, and cover our pain with drugs, alcohol, food, anything that will allow us to hide the scars inflicted through negligence and ignorance of those who were assigned to show us the way.

Image: imagebomb.com

Robin Williams’ apparent suicide yesterday (August 11, 2014), I pray will open wider the door to acknowledgment and acceptance that depression is often masked with drugs, alcohol and/or food.

Food was my own mask for many years. I have very little tolerance for alcohol and none for illicit drugs. Lust pretending to be lust was another favourite of mine, especially in my youth. My heart saddens when I observe women of my age still making this mistake. It hurts me even more when they are parents as I know their children are watching and taking notes.

As mothers and even grandmothers, let us show our youths another way. It is time. Einstein it was that said: 

“Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.”

It is time to stop this insanity. It is time to speak and about, as well as with our children, grandchildren and wards of another way, a different way of living. My own journey has taught me that teaching manners is only one step (granted not beating it into our children). We ourselves need to learn to love ourselves and not be afraid to show our children that whatever your family has is enough; that they are enough.

Let us teach our children that respect is an inside job – one that you are willing to do, for you and for them.

As a global village, it is time to start the healing. Join us from your little small corner wherever you are in our world and share your journey with us here or on our Facebook page.

Namaste.