A Lesson In Construction: Setting Boundaries

Yesterday, after spending the morning hosting a class on "Drama," my evening turned into one.

Well almost.

The leading actress was a member of my team, who for some time now has harboured the notion that I wanted a part in her production.

Trying to maintain peace on my team, for months now I have tried to manage her interruptions, tantrums, late night text messages and gossiping.  

I had enough yesterday. My diplomacy and patience ran out. After she unceremoniously interrupted a conversation that I was having with another team member, I invited her to a private meeting room.

Initially her attitude was one of attack; suggesting that she would go over my head and lodge a complaint that she was not being given the regard she deserves. My responses was, "Please go right ahead."

Thing is, I am not afraid of:

• Anyone
• Being unemployed
• Being broke as a result of unemployment
• Being alone

Every one of these circumstances I have experienced and I have long learned that there is only One Power in this Universe and that Power is not human.

I have also learned how to set boundaries.

Raised as the only child of a dysfunctional single mother, boundaries were something never practiced or demonstrated in my world. Being the target of childhood and adolescent sexual abuse by multiple perpetrators compounded my lack of fence building.

Like drama, climbing over people's "walls" was my way of being and, as I had none, people had no trouble getting into my deepest space.

Until 2007.

That was the year, when on the floor of a psychologist's office, my familiarisation began with boundaries. Using coloured wool, she taught me how to differentiate Me from others, what was my space (physical and spiritual), my responsibilities and my obligations to myself.

The most challenging and the most profound lessons require lots of practice. Boundaries proved to be in that category. It would take close to five years before I could truly say that not only did I get it but was actively practicing boundary setting and maintenance.

My daughter and my relationship was the last bastion and training ground. There also laid my sweetest reward - a healthy, open and total unconditional loving relationship.

Last evening, that was the message I shared with my team member. My suggestion to her was that she ought to consider the true nature of our relationship, how I have been operating in that relationship and learn to respect my boundaries as I have respected hers.

Some people you have to spell it out for them and spelling was one of my strengths in school.

Is there someone in your life needing a session in building fences? Are you the one overstepping other people's fences/boundaries? Then, let us have a chat here or on my page. You can also email me. There is no charge for any of this.

Be blessed and have a great rest of the day on the job site!

We Ought To Teach Boundary Setting In Schools - Audio Blog

Claudette Esterine

Listen Here

Transcript

She was not her usual bubbly self upon her arrival. Neither was I.

My attention was on getting some urgent paper work done but I did notice her frequent glances towards me. I dared not meet her eyes as the paper work needed to be done and frankly, “I was not in the mood for the stories this evening,” I said to myself.

That was me yesterday at work with one of my team members and today being Wednesday we have an audio blog – something that we have not had in at least two weeks now. My apologies for that but my attention was elsewhere – on my new grandbaby who I am happy to report has gained one pound since being discharged from the hospital a week ago. Kitten as I call her was born prematurely and weighed only four pounds. This little angel, in spite of her weight, has been a powerhouse in my life already teaching me many lessons, including the one that is our topic today – Boundaries.

This is a topic we have covered before but for the life of me I cannot pinpoint an exact date of the article, so here is your opportunity to browse our blog archive and read the many articles we have on a variety of topics.

Within a couple hours of my staff member’s arrival, we were locked away in a more private place having a conversation on boundaries. She was suicidal or intimated to me that she has been feeling that way for a few days now. Yes, I could not ignore her for the entire evening as my conscience would not allow me to and I did notice that her glances in my direction were becoming more pleading.

Here is a woman who has been through hell and back to raise her children. As a single parent, she held down three sometimes four jobs to ensure they – all five of them – had full tummies, clothes on their backs and a roof over their heads. Now adults, all except one has recognised what their mother went through to keep them safe, facilitate their education and to get them on their feet. There is one, however, who at 30+ years of age, feels her mother still owes her and is determined to extract as much as she can for herself, her child and the baby in her tummy. Mom must pay all her credit card bills, babysit on demand, purchase gifts and toys for the grandchild and prepare a wardrobe for the baby that is expected in six months.

As I listened to her story, wiped her tears and talked her off the ledge that she is so familiar with having literally dived off at least once, I knew her experience was also another message to me. Like her, I have dealt with my own share of family who thought I owed them my life, the blood flowing through my veins and for the air that I breathe. It was not until my own bout with clinical depression and attempted suicide that the lesson of boundary setting started to make sense as the only option for me to maintain my sanity.

In my school years, we had Guidance classes. Yet this lesson was never taught. It seems to me that children should be taught about boundaries – what they are, how to set them and recognize when they are being violated.

If I were taught this, maybe the many incidents of domestic abuse, low self-esteem, parental abuse, mean friends and other forms of boundary-smashing would not have occurred or at least been at minimal. Talking with my member of staff yesterday, I reminded her that being spiritual does not mean allowing others, including or children and/or their spouses to take advantage of us. There is nothing written in any book that I care to read that says a grandparent MUST dedicate the rest of their lives and every penny they earn to raising another generation of children.

No book that I care to read states that any of us must allow others to dictate what kind of humans we are to be. Only Source determines that and we along with It.

Do visit our Facebook page and share with us any strategies you have for maintaining your boundaries and do continue to have a great rest of the day.

Namaste

Related Posts: Are You In A Toxic Relationship?

Thief: How To Catch Or Stop Being One

"People who violate your boundaries are thieves. They steal time that doesn’t belong to them." Elizabeth Grace Saunders 

I was such a thief!

It took all of 40 years for me to be caught, thrown before the courts and sentenced! The presiding judge on my case, thankfully, understood the journey that brought me before her.

She was compassionate even though no-nonsense. While she listened to my explanations and recounting of all that had been done to me, she was not beguiled by any of it.

My court case took six months. One hour twice per week, through snow then spring rain, I would make my way to my psychologist's (the judge) office downtown Edmonton, Alberta. It had taken a couple months to find "the best fit," as after agreeing with my friends that professional help was needed, the challenge was finding the right professional.

This Jewish therapist got me. By the second session, she had a handle on claudette and saw glimpses of Claudette. Long before my insurance coverage ran out, working in tandem with my Spiritual Director (a Catholic Nun who I trusted and loved world without end), this therapist was conversing with Claudette.

Breakthrough occurred the third time we sat on the floor with her basket of yarns. The exercise was to choose yarn by colour that represented people who played and/or continued to play significant roles in my life. I would string the yarn around my body within a virtual range of their proximity to me. This was indicative of how close they were to me and how much they influenced me.

As the exercise progressed, she instructed me to move the yarn either further from or closer to my body as guided by my Spirit. This is why she was an excellent therapist for me as she easily and comfortably blended science and spirituality to help her clients heal.

This form of Body Talk therapeutic approach was largely responsible for sentencing me to a life of Freedom!

Boundaries were at the root of my emotional challenges and balance was the key ingredient for my healing. In my childhood, my sense of boundaries was never allowed to develop due to:

• Sexual abuse and molestation 
• Parental abuse - verbal and physical (mother) 
• Abandonment (father) 

Seeking to find my place in the world, like everyone else who had these experiences, I was wide open to even more imbalances. Intimate relationships became power struggles, my pursuit of higher education was so driven it almost burnt by brain out and my career was less about passion but more focused on getting to the top as quickly as possible.

Power - I had lost it (or so I thought) at the hands of molesters, abusers, lovers and general users. My efforting was to regain my power and I was completely out of balance, invading other people's boundaries and unhappy.

Fast forward six years and a significant relationship crashed to the floor, amidst deceit and attempted manipulation. My dog philosophy came right to the fore. With my life in way more balance - I was at peace with my past and with where I was.  Finally,  I was doing Me, how I wanted and, more important, as led by Spirit. So, I simply peed on the dying relationship and moved on.

Balance of body, mind and Spirit allows you to be clear about who you are, what you will do and who you will do it with and for. 

Equally, having balance in your life erases any desire to step over anyone's borders. Those who want you in their lives will issue a 'entry permit' which clearly states where you can go and where is off limits. Read carefully and feel within yourself whether that territory matches your exploratory plan. Otherwise, just pee on it and move right along!

Check out this website for more information on Body Talk Therapy and find a local therapist if you feel out of balance. Stop being a thief and/or learn to spot one!

Feel free to share your thoughts on this or any other topic with me here, on Facebook or on Twitter. Also, have you considered joining us in Jamaica in December? Look at our Events page and make your reservation soon!

Have a great Saturday!

Photo Source: yoddler.com