Beauty & Truth Telling: Miss Universe 2015

So Miss Jamaica, Kaci Fennell, did not win the the title of Miss Universe 2015.

No, I have not gone loopy and started following or taking a keen interest in beauty pageants. Beauty remains much further than skin deep in my books.

That apparently is the bone of contention, particularly among Miss Jamaica's followers on the island and on Twitter. Many claim that she did not win because of her nontraditional, Halle Berryesque hairstyle. What they all seem to believe is that she had the most honest and truthful response to the question, "What is your country's greatest contribution to the world?"

Miss Jamaica shared her view that Bob Marley and Usain Bolt are the island's greatest contributions. According to the commentaries, the few that I indulged in, that was what not only lost her the crown but relegated her to fifth place.

Now, if you could imagine me in a bathing suit, sauntering and twisting on a stage other than the one in my imagination in front of a fitting room mirror, that would not have been my response. However, I am not knocking Ms Fennel for hers. It was the truth as she feels it.

Beauty pageants, some job interviews, religious organizations, even family and friends have set answers to questions that they pose to you. Seemingly asking you what do you think, the expectation is that you will regurgitate what they taught, fed or hope that you learned.

If the commentators are correct, Miss Jamaica's answer did not win her this particular prize. Those who have lost coveted prizes by responding truthfully as they see things well understand what she might be feeling the morning after.

In the end, if her response was in fact her truth, she won. The glamour and glory of being crowned Miss Universe will last for a year, maybe two. After that, she would be the girl who won in 2015.

The lesson gained by telling her truth will last her this lifetime and beyond.

This story is opportune for me to present my understanding of dysfunction bred in lies and dis-ingenuity. Imagine had she given a different response, one that was a lie to her heart but would raise her acceptance level among the judges, Miss Fennel would have to keep up that story.

The mythical or not so depending on your view - gaydar is one that I possess. It is almost as good as my bullshitdar. While I might allow you to spread your blend of crap to me, do not let my smile comfort you to believe that your lies are not clear to me.

Silence is often my response to untruths. However, if it is important enough to my well being, that of my loved ones or in the interest of those who are temporarily "voiceless,' I will not hesitate to call you on your bull.

Having lived the better part of 40 years in a cesspool of lies, deceit and betrayal, I am so allergic to those who peddle in it. Up until she was almost 18 years old, my daily diet to my daughter was, "Do not lie to me! Tell me the truth and I will deal with whatever it is!" I think she got it, at least enough to be quiet around me rather than tell me crap.

Beauty pageants and competitions based on external features will never get my attention for longer than a few tweets and a Facebook post here and there. I am a womanist and believe in the fullness, wholeness and completeness of all human beings that require no placing of first, second or last.

Yet, whether it was her intention or not, Miss Kaci Fennel repeated an important lesson last night - "Speak the truth and speak it ever, cost it what it will."

All the best young lady!

If you would like to share your thoughts on this or any of our articles, please do so here or at DOS Foundation. For personal coaching visit my page.

Have a truth- filled day.

Photo source: dailymail.co.uk

Honesty: Such A Lonely Word These Days

Today is Honesty Day and as it is a Wednesday, we have an audio blog on the topic. Listen here.

TRANSCRIPT

"M. Hirsh Goldberg, former press secretary to a governor of Maryland and author of five books, created National Honesty Day in the early 1990s after spending four years researching and writing The Book of Lies (Morrow). This book has been translated into Japanese, Korean and Chinese.

Goldberg created this day, because he felt that the month of April, which begins with a big day of lying (April Fools Day), should end on a higher moral note."

I am fast coming to the conclusion that many people prefer liars.

Storytelling is my hobby, craft and may even be my sole livelihood one day. It, however, has not and will never be the means through which I endeavour to get a lover, a job or wealth.

The "stories" I tell or better said, "share," are those of my journey. Frankly, there are enough twists and turns in my life's plot thus far for me to embellish my sharing.

You would think the same is true of the man sitting or languishing in prison, or the woman whose car was repossessed and her house sold from under her to pay her debt.

Is it denial or some misguided understanding of the "positive thinking" philosophy when a person tries to convince another of their wealth while driving a taxi for a living?

No, I am not suggesting here that a Taxi driver cannot amass wealth, especially if they have great money management skills and investment advice. However, take the guy who tried to give me this story. He said that he owns a multimillion dollar property that he has rented and it brings in couple thousand US dollars per month.  Given his age and the overall state of the Jamaican economy in the last few years, and the fact that he was driving an unlicensed taxi, I asked him how did he come into this property.

The story that followed was so outrageous and thickly coated in fable, it was annoying. To top it off, this grown man was unable to put more than a few litres of gas in his car. He had invited me out and while I am hardly the type of woman who expects to be regaled at anyone's expense, my 'well to do' acquaintance could only buy a bottle of water - which he needed more than I did, as his throat was parched, for all the tales he was spinning.

Do people lie and pathologically so because there are so many who listen and unquestioningly accept their stories as true?

Personally, I have done so in the past. In my fear of losing a 'friendship', a relationship or even a job, I went along with the stories. Turned a blind eye, as the saying goes, to the misdeeds of those in authority, said nothing to contradict the fable being told by politicians and friends alike. Fear immobilized me and zipped my lips.

Then I swung to the other end of the pendulum. You know the saying, "brutually honest?" Well that is what I became. Sparing no words, I would tell you and you and you as it is. Calling anyone to the mat became my hobby...until I noticed a couple things.

It made no difference as people will do, say and be what they want, for as long as they wanted. That was the first thing. Secondly, I was the one being hurt and angered by the brutality of my honesty.

Mahatma Gandhi's famous words was my saving grace. "Be the change that you wish to see in the world." When that sunk all the way down into my heart, my silence and my brutual honesty ended.

Some think that I have lost my fire. Maybe I have.

I am no longer interested in debating the rightness or wrongness of anyone's behaviour or words. My interest lies solely in my own words from which my deeds flow.

Do I tell a lies, engage in dishonesty? Yes, it is a process - one that took me many years to learn so it will take some time and lots of practice to unlearn. In the time that honesty - full disclosure, complete truth telling and open communication became my hallmark, inner peace has been a constant companion.

Another thing that I have noticed is that those would be liars who come into my experience, attracted by the remnants of my own dishonest behaviour, are soon repelled. Their true colours are more easily spotted and I more quickly ask them to leave my space or I walk away.

Is truth telling an important factor in your decision to be in relationship with anyone? Are you a truth teller?

Share with me on our Facebook page or leave a comment here. We would love to connect with you on Twitter as well.

Continue to have a truth-filled day! Namaste

The Truth That Changed Me: We Are Poor

She was only six or seven years old but this was the most gut wrenching experience with her.

It was also a most life-enhancing one for me.

Money was tight with us. We were still renting and although both of us were working, our responsibilities extended beyond our household. My baby girl was in prep school at the time and that was a fee we also had to cover. Her birth father was to help with that but as with many other things he was to assist us with, it fell by the wayside.

Stretched to the fray, when she told us about the all-day fair and concert at school, we knew the budget would have to be adjusted. Thinking that a 6/7 year old could eat and ride so much, we gave Princess Chulumba (our nickname for her), J$500. That would have been about US$12 or so at the time.

We were trying to teach my daughter about budgetting and accountability, even at that age. Actually, it was more my partner who had taken on the challenge and every evening as we were driving home from work and school, she would have to say how she spent her lunch money.

That evening was no different. As we drove home, Princess Chulumba recounted the excitement of the fair, all that she ate and the rides she went on. Little did this sweet, tired but deliciously happy child realize that her expenditure was being tallied.

She had spent well over J$500 and a recount was definitely in order!

The following day was a Saturday so we were home and the Princess was at her desk with pencil and paper explaining her previous day's expenditure. What followed was nothing short of high drama!

It took all day, adding and subtracting, then finally the confession that floored and changed how I related to my daughter on money matters and truth telling in general.

I never lied to my baby girl but I was careful about some of the details - either because she did not need to know yet or for effect. Well, when she finally confessed that day it caused me to rethink my truth telling with her.

My daughter confessed that she had stolen money from my partner's mother's purse. Another J$500. That was how she afforded all those rides and food not just for herself but for her friends as well. She was of the opinion that what we had given her would not have been enough. My six year old said that she did not want to ask for more because "We are poor."

Shocked, flipping mad and yet brokenhearted, I cried and cried. The next day, we drove her to my in-laws and had her confess to them what she had done and made a promise to pay the money back through chores.

Over the six years of her life, I made no bones about our financial situation and that we could not spend on unnecessary items simply because my daughter wanted or liked them.  I was also open with her about aspects of my relationship with her father, not all and certainly not the abuse.

What that experience taught me was how to exercise "wise counsel," meaning know my audience and how much to disclose based on their capacity to understand. Filter became important. I did not begin to lie to her but became more discerning about what she was ready to handle.

A firm believer in honesty and straight talk, I have learned that not everyone is ready or prepared to handle your truth. My favourite example of this is when you pass say a coworker in the hallway and they ask, "How are you?" Do they really want to know? Or is it just a common courtesy?

Now, if you ask me a question about myself I will gauge my response based on:

1. The nature of our relationship and whether I feel you are just asking for the gossip
2. How well you have handled my truth in the past
3. How ready you are for a straight answer

 For sure you will get a truth-filled answer from me but depending on who you are some details might be filtered. More so, you will see my truth if you are really looking and listening to me.

"Honesty is more than not lying. It is truth telling, truth speaking, truth living, and truth loving." James E. Faust

 How honest are you? Do you practice truth-telling? Are you speaking your truth first and foremost to yourself? Do you know who can handle your truth?

Share your experience with me here or on Facebook. You can also reach me via Twitter.

Continue to have a #TruthFilledThursday!

Confession: Good For Whose Soul?

Photo Source: hnltv.com

Who said that? "Confession is good for the soul," is an old Scottish proverb I found out and actually a word is reportedly missing.

An article on www.devotions.com states that the proverb in fact reads: "Open confession is good for the soul." What the heck?! It seems to me that what this is saying is one has to publicly admit to sinning ("missing the mark" is my preferred choice of words) and not merely 'confess' in your heart. Do you agree?

Admitting you have made a mistake to self is sometimes hard enough. Add to that going to whomever you screwed over and 'fessing up' in order to be completely absolved is taking it to another level. I can hear some of you saying, "Just shoot me and get it over with!" 

Apologizing for borrowing your girlfriend's lipstick without asking her and never returning it until she saw it on your dresser is one thing. Admitting that you and her boyfriend once smooched is going overboard! Is it not enough that it happened only once? "They broke up like three years ago so what's the point telling her now?! Hell no!" 

We all join in the hue and cry for politicians to be honest and confess their misdeeds. A virtual lynch mob gathers when a scandal, especially the salacious sex ones or some financial wrong doing, is uncovered. That **** is juicy! Then why not the same standards for ourselves in our personal lives?

• I could lose my job. 
• It could destroy my marriage
• She would never speak to me again. 
• The whipping that I would get is not worth it. 
• I would be disgraced in front of the entire community. 
• My family would ostracize me/us. 

These are just some of the reasons people do not confess to error in judgment. Rightly or wrongly, it is their choice whether to confess. Being judged as inadequate, different, greedy, addicted to (sex, food, money, etc) you name it, or being isolated from people dear to you are powerful disincentives to confession.

Telling the truth, however, is such a power-filled action. Keeping secrets, requires a special degree in "Cover Up Artistry." You need several devices to keep up with the stories because one lie attracts another and the momentum builds until explosion point! 

Have you ever wondered why someone would confess to an action taken moons ago, one that seemed as if they had gotten away with it? I worked in the correctional system and one important thing that the parole board members assess is whether the potential parolee is displaying remorse. It is a driving factor why people confess. Other reasons that lead to confessions - immediate or delayed - include:

1. "Guilt (for what they did years ago or recently or both) 
2. Closure (To seek help to get the 'demons' out of their minds) 
3. Seeking help (To find out why they have done these acts)"

Whether you are a Christian or following any other religious or spiritual path that teaches confession and, based on my personal experiences, I would have to agree that confession is indeed good for the soul and mind. It heals not just you but possibly the person(s) you have wronged.

While we are not in the "confession" business :), feel free to drop me a line should there be something weighing heavily on your mind. There are many resources available and I might be able to point you to one.

Follow us on Twitter @DOSFoundation and/or *Like* our page at www.facebook.com/daughtersofsheba for further discussion on this most challenging but freeing of act.

Have a great day!