Do Unto Others: The Golden or Outdated Rule?

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“Do unto others have you would have them do unto you,” was riveted in my head from an early age. Funny enough, however, as I looked around me, hardly anyone was living by it.  

Strange how that works, is it not? Adults teach one thing but practice another. Being the rebel that I was, more a quiet storm until later in life when roaring became my mode of speech, I would constantly question this maxim. Granted, I did try as long as possible to conform. 

In my effort to live by The Golden Rule, I became a doormat. Thinking that kindness would be return if I bent over backwards and stood on my head for others, my younger years were spent doing some serious mental and psychological aerobics to be “good.”

Please do not get me wrong. While I do not call myself a Christian, not anymore, I am very much a follower of Jesus’ teachings – well for the most part. Never the fundamentalist, however, I question everything and everyone, including Jesus and he was not the originator of this ethical code.

“According to Simon Blackburn, although the Golden Rule ‘can be found in some form in almost every ethical tradition’, the rule is ‘sometimes claimed by Christianity as its own.’ The "Golden Rule" has been attributed to Jesus of Nazareth, though he himself uses it to summarize the Old Testament: "Do to others what you want them to do to you. This is the meaning of the law of Moses and the teaching of the prophets" (Matthew 7:12 NCV. (Source: Wikipedia)

A Priceless Principle would be my name for the lesson that was taught to me after years of trying to “do unto others…" and falling flat on my face:

“You teach people how to treat you by what you allow.”

My experience has taught me that others will do unto me what I allow them to do, not necessarily what I have done unto to them. Over my 40+ years, many times I have gone without money to pay my own bills as my salary paid off someone else’s debt. Sardines, Spam (which I quite enjoy) and other canned fish or meat have been my supper, breakfast AND lunch many a weeks while my grocery funds bought essential vegetables, protein and medication for another. In more recent times, my experience has been that I walked away from lucrative and prestigious situations (let us say) in order to stand up for others.

What was my ‘reward’? Financial loss, infidelity and even bankruptcy as the “others” did not find it necessary to “do back to me” in kind.

From these situations I also learned a couple others things:

1.  Never do for others with the expectation of a return.
2.  If I cannot give freely and unconditionally, then do not
3. Check my intention and motivation before doing anything. If it is self-serving, forget it.

To me those are the “Golden Nuggets” that were not taught to me and probably you. It is indeed true that people will treat you how you have taught them. So be careful of the classes you are holding!

Share your thoughts with me on this or any other of our topics. Browse our archives and let us know what you think. Follow us on Twitter and do *Like* our Facebook page.

Have a great rest of the day and Happy Canada Day tomorrow to my fellow Canadians!

Gender-Based Violence & Keeping Families Together - DOS Weekly Headlines

Happy Canada Day to our readers in my beauty-filled second country! 

This is our 23rd edition of DOS Weekly and families and their health is our focus

DOS Foundation and this weekly is dedicated to empowering every woman and  her family. Our carefully selected stories for you this week cover career, the need for more employment opportunities as a safeguard to familys' well being, women's health and gender-based violence.

Do enjoy reading these and we thank you for your continued support. Consider subscribing to DOS Weekly and get notification once the paper is hot off the keyboard!

For the rest of the weekend, connect with us through our Facebook page and follow us on Twitter. 

Should I Die Tonight...

If my belief system was other than it is, the turn of events today would have me spooked.

What gets written as our daily topic is more often than not decided in the early morning hours when my eyes open. I check in with my inner self, figuratively feel my pulse and ask for guidance.

This morning around 4:30, the response was bucket list.

Do you have a one?

About 20 years ago I wrote mine. There were about 70+ activities, things to get, places to see, etc on my first writing. Over the years, up to about six or so years ago, I would pull it out and cross out what was accomplished or note the progress on a particular activity.

My bucket list has not seen the light of day in years. Written in one of those multi-subject notebooks, my list has been in a box that has now been in storage for about three years. I actually do not recall now more than half of what is left on my list. And I do not care!

Life is not about lists.

When I first thought of this topic today and did the first few posts on our Facebook page, I imagined that this piece would be focussed on some of the things left to do on my list before I kick the bucket.

Then I went to work with every intention to write on those my outstanding listed items over my supper break. As always the case with me, Life happened and my bucket list will remain closeted.

A member of my team passed away in his sleep last night. He was about eight years older than me. Only yesterday evening he and I exchanged pleasantries, chit chatted and said goodbye as I left the office. That was to be our last conversation but neither of us knew.

His wife called today to share the news of his passing. She noted that they spent a lovely day together earlier yesterday for which she was most grateful.

Death is not something I fear anymore but I was stunned this afternoon when my boss asked me into her office, closed the door and gave me the news.

My team was given the news when they arrived to start their shift this evening. I quickly slipped into my chaplain persona and hugged a couple as their tears flowed copiously on my shoulder. The team was given the evening off with full pay, in honour of our colleague's memory. (I do work for one of the most generous and caring organizations anyone could dream of!)

Before leaving the office myself (my boss texted me "You are to go home as well Missy"), I texted a friend to hang out but then changed my mind.

Instead, I searched online for a movie then called my daughter and invited her out on a date.

No more meaningless 'hang outs', conversations or relationships (not that I have any) for me.

Should I die in my sleep tonight or any night for that matter, I want the last person with me to be like my late staff member's wife and say, "Claudette and I had such a lovely time yesterday, then she returned to Source."

That is my revised bucket list. What is on yours?

Rest In Peace Don.

Button Pushing You!

Wednesday and so as always we have an audio blog. Do listen here.

Transcript

I used to sport those “button down” outfits but found that as maturity sets in, I have little taste for them anymore. Why? Well I really do not like having them pushed, pulled or even noticed!

My tummy tends to be on the puffy side…even when I was much younger. It is simply the shape of my body and no matter if I were inclined to do the requisite abdominal presses or whatever it is that one does to get a washboard ab, it just would not happen for me. So, wearing those button down dresses really does not work for me as my tummy and somewhat of a “high chest” would put a strain on them – drawing more attention to my “weak” spots than anything else.

The same is true of my emotional make up. For years, my emotional buttons were very much on display and person after person simply could not resist pushing them!

Or was it I who was inviting them to?

That is the thing with emotional wounds. Unless they are known, accepted and the healing process begun or well advanced, they stick out like the buttons on my tummy!

Observers of these colourful buttons – envy, judgmental, jealousy, greed, low self-esteem, etc – seem drawn to poke and pull at them. Like attract like, so the person most wiling to push your buttons are persons who are wearing the same buttons although they might have a zippered jacket over theirs!

One book that really helped me with this – and getting me out of those buttoned down dresses was Don Miguel Ruiz’s The Four Agreements: The Practical Guide to Personal Freedom. Reading these Agreements helped me with my "fashion sense." No longer was I willing to buttons on display for everyone to push. I learned key tools to help me clean up my own act and in turn how I responded to other people's behaviour.

The Agreements:

1. Be impeccable with your word. I learned that “we act on what we tell ourselves is real, so I must screen my self-talk for negative, irrational chatter. To be impeccable with your word is to be truthful and to say things that have a positive influence on others and me.
2.  Don't take anything personally. This second agreement gave me a way of dealing with potentially hurtful treatment from others. To not take anything personally is to acknowledge the unique identities of other people. While respecting their realities, I realized that their views do not necessarily describe me.
3. Don't make assumptions. Assuming that I know what others are thinking or feeling about me limits me and I engage in mind reading, which is often wrong. The antidote to mind reading is to ask for evidence before jumping to conclusions.
4. Always do your best. Doing my best means I will be my best me – not anyone else’. Therefore, I quiet my internal judge and the judgemental button pushers.

Button pushing works both ways. You get your buttons pushed but you also push other people’s. It does not necessarily mean you are projecting but more that they have something to sort within themselves that your presence brings to the fore. Do you know anyone who just seems to get angry when you enter the room? Well, you are a button pusher.

I found that these Four Agreements helped me to lessen the seeming irrational response to me. Would love to hear what works for you both ways – pusher and pushed. So share with us here on our blog as well on our Facebook page.

Have a great rest of the evening!

How Do You Cope With The Death of A Spouse?

Claudette Esterine

The ‘closest’ person to me to have died was my father. However, ‘close’ is a relative word as, up to his death in the early 1980’s, I had seen the man fewer times than the number of fingers on my hand.

Harry Mac, as we affectionately called him, was my ex’s father and was more of a Dad to me than my own. He made his transition in the 1990’s. Publicly, I was stoic and the backbone of the family, alongside my ex, as we planned and hosted the celebration of his life memorial. Privately, I mourned with a passion so deep it was unspeakable. 

The death of a spouse I have never experienced.

As Mrs. Mac mourned the loss of her husband for a very long time, I became somewhat impatient with her demands. Not yet trained in chaplaincy, having not witnessed and stood in the gap with persons mourning the passing of their loved ones, my thought was “Enough already!”

She was reaching out to fill a void – 30 years of togetherness with one man – but it was one that truly no other person can step into, not completely. Although they could not, she tried to get her children, particularly the younger one – my ex – to try. That was what made me impatient and even angry.

My relationship with death has changed very much over the years. I have moved from fear, bordering on major panic attack should a hearse drive by, to impatience for those needing ‘a long’ time to mourn. Today, thankfully, I have learned the lessons of grief and comfort. My training in inter-faith chaplaincy, particularly my experience observing a multiple heart bypass surgery and not seeing ‘the soul’, preparing bodies in the morgue of the hospital for family viewing and private farewells, along with my very personal spiritual journey has taught me compassion and patience with others’ experience of grieving.

Death is no longer something that I am afraid of yet I understand the meaning of loss of a loved one, albeit not a spouse. Yet I continue to struggle with the word “loss” and much prefer “transition” as death to me is not a loss but a movement.

This is all “simple” for me to say, having not had a spouse transition. So I turn the question over to you, our readers, who have had this intimate experience of the “movement” of a spouse into the other realm – might we say? How did you cope? What is the most important suggestion you would give to someone having this experience right now?

Share you journey with us here or on our Facebook page. I really do look forward to hearing from you.

Namaste. 

You're Beautiful!

Claudette Esterine

Every morning I get a couple of texts. Sometimes it is three but they all basically say the same thing and they are from different people.

"Good of the morning to you, Putus," says one person.

"Good morning beautiful," says the other with a kissing emoticon.

The third is more recent and from someone new to my life; as well as to openly displaying emotions, "Hi!"

A warm fuzzy feeling creeps up from my toes to my heart as these message come in. For most of my life, hearing that I am beautiful was a very rare occurrence. In all fairness to him, it was my estranged husband who was the first to constantly say those words.

It really is ironic that it took "so long" to hear those words, over 35 years. According to her story, although officially she named me Claudette, my mother's nickname for me was "Cutie."

I never felt cute.

Not with the beatings and other names that she plastered on me as her economic situation spiraled. The names were just as bad as the ones she labelled my absent "good for nothing" father.

Little wonder that very often when people called me "Cutie," they might just as well have said "Dirty," "Useless," "Would-Turn-Out-To-Nothing" or even "Whore." That is what I heard.

They say 'name it and claim it' and an angel must have guided me away from the label "whore," which was my mother's favourite for me. No, I was not a wild teenager but my mother was a conflicted, contradictory woman. In the same breath that she was calling me "Cutie," she was beating the crap out of me and proclaiming my future as a Madam. Yes, she knew I had brains so I would not settle for being a streetwalker but would run the joint.

Occasionally my partner of 16 years would say, "You look good." That is as far as the compliments went. The love between us was strong and ran deep but those words simply were not uttered.

Maybe I was not beautiful?

Slim or even skinny was never my body type. By the time I turned 16, my body was fully developed and curves were accentuating all the "right" places. Only in my 40's did I began sporting blonde hair but it was not on the stereotypical head that goes with that colour. My hair was either sheared off or in dreadlocks (as it is now).

I am not a big fan of being out in the sun, so my caramel skin has always been only slightly darker than it is now. My lips are very much representative of a person of African-descent and my mouth and somewhat crooked teeth were shaped by my thumbsucking well into late life.

That, my everlasting sucking of my thumb, was what spoiled my beauty. Well that is what my mother said. It seemed to me back then that my Father's siblings agreed on at least that with her as the one and only time I stayed at the "Esterine" house, I was constantly being threatened with having my thumb stuck in the dog's butt! I kid you not!

Suffice it to say, my self-esteem barely had a pulse well into my late 30's.

Ironically, it took being out of my homeland and among strangers, particularly Caucasian ones, for me to start hearing that I was really "Cute" or beautiful. The years spent in Europe opened my eyes to my own physical beauty. My decade plus residency in Canada has seen me fully blossom into it.

It took an opening up to Life for me to know that I am beauty-filled and that my physical features have nothing to do with it.

"Never lose an opportunity of seeing anything beautiful, for beauty is God's handwriting." Ralph Waldo Emerson

Buck teeth, thick lips, nappy hair, stretch marks and all, I never miss an opportunity to look in any mirror to see the beauty that is pouring from me.

Yes, beauty like happy is an inside job; and they are also best friends!

Go now, look in the mirror and tell that beauty-filled person smiling at you how gorgeous they are!

Have a radiant day!

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Claudette Esterine is the Founder of DOS Foundation, Editor of our blog, a trained Chaplain, spiritual counsellor, communications professional and Nature's Pearl Independent Distributor. In her spare time she manages the call center of an Edmonton-based not-for-profit organization

Women: Still Without Equal Pay - DOS Weekly

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The 22nd edition of DOS Weekly and centuries since they have been talking about gender-pay equity!

Women work just as long and just as hard as men but in some places in our world, they earn $0.70 or less on every dollar a man gets. Some United Kingdom business leaders are talking about it again and we share highlights in our featured story

DOS Foundation and this weekly is dedicated to empowering every woman and our stories this week reminds us of the continuing plight of 200+ Nigerian girls who remain captive. Also in Africa, we feature the latest news on the dreaded Ebola disease; and turn attention to several stories making news in the rest of our world.

Other carefully selected stories for you our readers cover career, women's health and general interest articles.

Do enjoy reading these and we thank you for your continued support. Consider subscribing to DOS Weekly and get notification once the paper is hot off the keyboard!

For the rest of the weekend, connect with us through our Facebook page!