The Dating Game Part 2: Over 40 And Stepping Out

Claudette Esterine

Just over two weeks ago I returned to Canada after spending a week shy of five months in Jamaica.

My love for Jamaica runs deep and it greatly saddened me that I had to leave. Again.

Fourteen years ago my family and I migrated to Canada. My daughter hated us for making her relocate, especially as she was in the throes of a new love. My then partner was the catalyst for the move and was ecstatic. I went along for the ride in hopes of keeping the relationship, which by then was in its 12th year.

To cut a long story short, one that I have written snippets about before, that relationship ended approximately four years after our migrating to Canada. Since then, I have dated mostly through online services and got married (also courtesy of an online dating site) to a gentleman from whom I have been separated for a few years now. In the time since then and now, I have had my hopes of finding "true love" dashed again by an antisocial pathological liar and con man.

If you are doing the math that puts me at 40+ years old. 

Smart, well educated (couple degrees), professionally accomplished and currently leading the Pearl Life, my journey to Jamaica was not to get my groove back. I was not on the hunt for a man (or woman for that matter) but a few did find me and there were the attendant proposals of marriage.

Being neither desperate nor silly, the attention and pproposals were spurned. I know one too many women who have been trapped in overseas love affairs with men whose hidden agenda prioritized: 1. Money and 2. Immigration Papers.

Afternoon at Hellshire Beach Good Friday

Sanely single, I hopped on a flight almost three weeks ago now and returned to Canada - western Canada - the region where I lived for most of my 12-year residency in this country. I left Jamaica with a broken heart for many reasons but primarily because my desire to be there on a more permanent basis had to be postponed.

Returning to Edmonton, Alberta to be with my daughter who is now six months pregnant has been an unexpected joy. She and my Kitten's father have both welcomed me with open arms and we are busy making plans how to move forward.

What does any of this have to do with 40+ dating?

Well, recent conversations with my daughter revealed that:

• My son-in-law refers to me as "the old lady." He was being caring with his comment but I was not amused!
• She, my daughter, has her ideas as to who I should date - if I must date anyone at all! 
• A list of the "unacceptable" dates have been drawn up and it include: anyone with serious mental health issues, younger men, anyone with a criminal record, no one whose body is not fully intact, no man who wears white pointed toe shoes and has a pot belly, no transgendered person and preferably no same-sex dates!

We were on our way to a prenatal appointment or a yoga class and I stopped the car in the middle of the road - in shock!

My daughter, Abi, and I in Toronto, 2013

"Mummy," she still calls me that, "You're crazy and it's time for you to settle down and date someone 'normal' if you must!" 

Ignoring the "if you must part," my only question to my daughter was, "Did I miss something here, did we switch roles?"

Admittedly, I have led a colour-filled life! Frankly, I see no reason to stop now! Lol! However, I understand and appreciate the underlying concern, which was it is time for me to find that "true love." My daughter is only desirous of my being happy in a relationship. She has seen me through a couple, no three, really intense ones - and all ended in tears, mine.

At 40+ and in North America, online dating remains the fastest growing industry for people to meet. These sites are putting bars and BBQ's out of business and increasing the patronage at coffee shops. Cell phone and internet service providers have nothing to fear as those of us who are looking to meet our next and hopefully final mate will keep them in business.

Successful dating, online or otherwise, especially for the over 40's require a different way of thinking. Read an interesting article on this and here are five things they suggest we rethink:

1. Accepting that your past is over, never returning, so your new "soul mate" need not match up to them. Fall in "like" with your next mate first as that might very well give you a net when the "glow" dims.
2. There might not be immediate chemistry and your heart may very well stay in your chest. While sex is still very much alive and in my view way more uninhibited over 40, companionship and support are way up on the agenda as well.
3. Nobody but you "completes" you! Your next mate ought to complement you.
4. Handsome men are candy to the eyes but not only to yours! Nothing wrong with appreciating good looks and a 'hot' body but if that is all 'brother' is bringing to the table, you will be dining alone, again, soon!
5. Dates are not interviews for your next perfect husband! Go and have fun! If he turns out to be funny, treats you respectfully but does not know proper cutlery use what's wrong with that?
6. I love my daughter with all my heart, however my happiness is paramount. On my next round of dating, if there is one, these five tips from The Star will be my guide!

Do you agree with them? Share your dating experience with us here or on our Facebook page. You can also follow us on Twitter.

Continue to make this an awe-filled day and remember to have fun!

The Dating Game: Are You A Player?

Sixteen years in a relationship had left me completely out of practice for the dating game.

Sixteen months and twenty days, I was not really counting but it felt this long, after my longtime partner had walked out my daughter and gay friend in New York insisted that I joined the game.

"When did dating become a contact sport?" I asked. My smart-mouth 19 year old daughter's response, "While you were aging!" She was right.

The seeds were sown for that response in 2006 at my 41st birthday party, hosted by my partner and largely catered by the woman who was partly responsible for me now getting dating advice from a teenager and a gay PhD holder in New York, NY.

This was to have been the 'best years of my life' but it had fast turned into a nightmare.

"The bar scene is not for you, Claudette," Peter confirmed in one of our nightly pep talks. No one had to tell me that the church BBQ was not my scene either! The chickens would have resurrected and jumped off those grills had I shown up at any such religious event. Scarlett was my name and red was my emotion - angry and bitter!

My self-appointed dating expert, Abi, sat me down and gave me the in's and out's of online dating. Aside from her not wanting me going to the clubs with her (how embarrassing it would be when they carded me and not her ~ lol) she knew that:

• A half glass of wine and I would be tipsy and ready to leave within an hour
• Loud music gives me a headache 
• Loud people gives me a headache and an upset stomach 
• One hour is not enough to find the next love of my life 

Any two of these 'issues' rule out clubbing as your playing field. So my daughter introduced me to PlentyofFish. Frankly, a more appropriate name would have been plenty of creeps, vultures, vampires or any blood sucking creature!

On my own, after a week or so of plenty of nausea, I signed up for EHarmony and LavaLife. The prospects were not much better except that they had more professional looking photographs and profiles.

Admittedly bored, coming out of a state of chronic depression and my self-esteem severely battered, I followed my teenager's and gay friend's "Top Three Advice:" for dating sites and adult dating:

1. Meet as quickly as possible if there is any sense of connection. This way, you either confirm or dispel the connection. 
2. Have an exit strategy if "dispel the illusion" is the viable option.  
3. Check their "papers or credentials" and do not rush into exclusivity. 

Being the good student that I am, meeting places for me was always a Chapter's book store or Tim Horton's. Both places sold my favourite thing in life - coffee and, books have always been an escape for me. I could always hide in a strategic corner with my nose in a book and carry out surveillance as my "date" enters.

Yes, I had to exercise that exit strategy once. On another occasion, my job as a hospital chaplain and my girlfriend Ann, led me out. Come on, who wants to be dating a middle aged guy who had clearly not only posted his first year university picture but was at least six inches shorter than me AND used a credit card to purchase a $2 milk? Well he tried but it was declined.

Ann called within 10 minutes of the date and I was out of there within 11 minutes of the date, allegedly on my way to a dying patient's bedside. Forgive me Father, I couldn't think of another excuse fast enough.

Overall, I did well on #3 and as such ruled out visa seekers, wife beaters, and scam artists for the most part. Was not so lucky with the serial daters whose jobs and stability in other areas checked out. Such is life and anyhow, with those I saw some really good movies, ate in a few nice restaurants in Edmonton, took a trip to Banff, Alberta and stayed a couple nights in a really swank hotel.

Ready to give up on internet dating, I took down my profile from all the previously mentioned online dating sites. Ironically, soon after I flirted with, rushed into exclusivity and married a guy I met on Zoosk!!! That is a story for another blog.

What is your worst and best dating story? Have you ever tried online dating? How was it or would you? Leave a comment here, as well *Like* our Facebook page and follow us on Twitter.

Continue to have a great day! Namaste

Photo Sources:
news.mmogamesite.com
datingandlov.blogspot.com