How To Remove Poisonous People From Your Life

In social media land, Mondays are usually dedicated to motivation. What better motivation could there be than to remove poisonous, toxic people from your life?

Recently I have found myself sleeping in more often. This fine Monday morning was another such day. Formerly this was a very rare occurrence. Whether it is my reaching the half century mark or, as I rather believe, it is the freedom that is now mine. One is never sure.

My life really geared up around my 35th birthday. When I turned 41 year, things took a nosedive. Throughout those years, sleep and I were estranged. That would remain the case for almost a decade until recently.

As is often my practice, weekly in fact, during my reflection time my thoughts went to this bout of sleep-iness that I have been experiencing. Assessing the changes in my life circumstances, including my living arrangements, my marital and economic statuses and my career choice at this time, one thing stood out.

Hardly, if any, toxic people are in my immediate circle.

This past week was a bit emotionally perplexing, however, things soon sorted themselves out and what could have been poisonous interactions were detoxified. Reading Heidi Priebe's article earlier this morning was confirmation of my own conclusion about where I am in terms of relationships at this point. The seven markers of toxic and poisonous relationships are nowhere evident in my experience - not anymore.

Here are Priebe's seven types of toxic relationship and how I removed them from my life:

1. "The friend who’s always there when you are down (But disappears as soon as you’re happy)." What did I do? I stopped talking with her. After the last message she sent me that was a complete downer, I stopped messaging, calling or initiating any form of communication. My heart, however, remains open to her and should she ever need me for whatever reason, I will be available to support her. 
2. "The partner whose whole entire world revolves around you." What did I do? I left him. After his last tantrum over my friendships and how isolated he felt from my relationships of 10+ years, so much so that he flung a can at my head, I had the cops escort him out. 
3. "The friend or family member who is always 'Just being realistic.'" What did I do? I thanked her for her realism and went ahead and followed my heart. 
4. "The friend you are constantly comparing yourself to." What did I do? I grew up. 
5. "The partner you’re keeping score with." What did I do? We divorced and now, 25+ years later, have a good friendship. 
6. "The loved one you’re putting ahead of yourself." What did I do? I cut the ties, more like the noose. This was the longest and most difficult poison to remove from my system but it has been the most freeing. 
7. "The relationship you have with yourself." What did I do? I healed my wounds through professional but more spiritual counselling, the unconditional love and support of friends and my own desire to live my best life.

Bottom line in removing toxic relationships or getting out of situations that are corrupting your growth is first knowing what it is that you want from life. By this, I do not mean stuff - at least not necessarily or primarily.

If you have not done so already or if dust is gathering on it, a first step is to create a vision statement for your life.  It can be as simple as: "I want to be happy in all that I do and bring joy to every interaction." What I found was that as I created and fine tuned mine over the years, my boundary setting skills were honed, my tolerance for slow poisoning by so-called friends and supposed loved ones diminished and my acceptance of relationships that only served to curb my living as I craved disappeared.

There are times, more rarely than frequently, that poisonous people like bad gas will secrete into your life. Do not beat up on yourself. I do my best not to when it happens and instead, I step back and see which window I left open for them to have crawled through.

Learning to clean the air, detoxify your life is a daily endeavour. Should you need support as you do quality control of your life, feel free to stop by my coaching page for tips.

Have a great poison free day!

Claudette is the Founder of Daughters of Sheba Foundation and offers practical spiritual support through her coaching services, social media including Twitter and this blog. She lives in Edmonton, Alberta and is a proud Member of www.TheWellnessUniverse.com 

S.D.B.: It's Not A Disease

Admittedly it sounds like an acronym for a sexually transmitted disease but if remembering and practicing any part of it keeps you free of negativity then I am just fine with that.

S.D.B. = Scrub, Drop or Bolt

Either or all is my suggestion for helping you #BreakLoose from the mental stranglehold of negativity.

When the idea of this came to me, as usual in the wee hours, a couple songs and an athlete rode in with it.

"Scrub is the guy who can't get no love from me... ." Remember that line from the 90's TLC's hit? Well that is exactly the attitude and precisely what you are invited to do with negativity in all its forms - stop giving it love. 

In yesterday's blog post, I spoke of the need to deprogramme our minds and this is one practical way of doing so - scrubbing ourselves of automatic negative responses.

Exactly how do you do that especially as I have said these responses have become automated?

That is where Snoop Dogg comes in. "Drop it like it's hot!"

Oftentimes a negative response or preemptive thought comes to you regarding a person, situation or event. It is one of those that you had not recognized in your deliberate scrubbing session. What I have done with a good measure of success in the past is to draw a line down the middle of a sheet of paper and to the left I list my most practised, programmed and patterned thoughts. To the write, I do what Katie Byron coaches her clients - I turn the thought around. Then I sit with the turned thought and reflect on how it has already manifested in my experience.

One example is my thought around money. To the left of the sheet, I wrote "money is in short supply, we are poor." That was what I was programmed to believe by my mother and the politics/economy of my country of origin. Turning that thought around, I wrote something like "money always comes to me in quantities sufficient to meet my needs, I have enough.".

That was my scrubbing exercise and as you might have noted, in the turnaround, I did not say "I am rich," or anything that my mind would not accept. Scrubbing is not suffocating your senses, you cannot lie to your subconscious as it does not operate on words you write or even say but what you feel saying or writing those words.

Then there are thoughts that you simply have to "drop like it's hot," to preserve your sanity. In my case, such thoughts are the ones that deliberate diminishes my humanity, womanhood and particularly my soul. I am just not going there or entertaining them for a second.

Now, there are situations, events and people that you have to take on the attribute and name of the current fastest man in the world and Bolt!

This might be physically or mentally bolting but leave you must. It is putting legs to our Breaking Loose challenge. These are times when you either hear, see or smell that nothing good, life-enhancing or uplifting will come out of attending the event, conversing with the individual or contemplating the situation.

Just bolt!

So today, Day #2 of our challenge, you are invited to S.D.B. As you go through the day, make a note of how you used each, one or all three strategies to reduce negativity in your day.

Looking forward to hearing your results. Leave a comment here or visit my coaching page where you will find more tips on this and other strategies to Break Loose!

Namaste.

Upper or Downer: Which Are You?

Guilty.

Before being accused let me raise my hand and enter my guilty plea.

"Let he that has no guilt cast the first stone," it is said, therefore I cannot and will not.

That, however, does not prevent me from stating that negativity is the poison ivy of any relationship.

My desire in life has been for some time now is to be an "uplifter." However, I quickly learned that my chosen  "job" would of necessity have to start in me. One of my favourite analogies is that of being on an aircraft and the steward or stewardess directs you to put on your oxygen mask first before assisting the child on your lap, for example. Why? You can be of no help to that child if you cannot breathe. Simple.

Another hackneyed phrase that I like is "Physician heal thyself."

After living most of my life in negative, even toxic environments well into my 30's, it became clear to me through the teaching of my former church home, The Universal Centre of Truth for Better Living, that if the rest of my life was to be the best of my life - then the change, peace must begin in me.

Claudette Estetine

Change is a gradual process and it would take me 10+ years and two suicide attempts after hearing this "truth" for the first time to start making a concerted effort.

Actually, the correct word would be that I became "intentional" about 'Positivity'. I am still walking the line, often stepping over into the 'dark side." Even today my daughter scolded me as we lunched together. I commented on my upcoming death and she rebuked me that I am always, according to her, predicting my early demise.

The difference now is I have an internal kicking mechanism that automatically delivers a swift one as soon as negativity crosses my mind. I am knocked out when it passes my lips. 

Some people think I am either cold or stupid when they begin to tell me their tales of woe, litany of health "problems," and attempt to gossip. Again, I fall into the trap sometimes and most often with my daughter - especially on the gossip. I would rather call it a mother's warning to her much loved child to be mindful of her interactions. She told me today, "I am not discussing her with you!" This was after I laughingly remarked how much weight one of her friends had gained. Honestly, I did not immediately recognize it as gossip but as soon as she said it the "kick was delivered.

I intentionally do not engage with others when they want to list problems, woe, bad luck and the gamut of negativity that we so love to share. Like attracts like and I want none of it. I am grateful to my daughter for stopping me in my tracks today. Negativity is like that glue trap that we set for mice. Once on, it is hard to get loose.

“People tend to be generous when sharing their nonsense, fear, and ignorance. And while they seem quite eager to feed you their negativity, please remember that sometimes the diet we need to be on is a spiritual and emotional one. Be cautious with what you feed your mind and soul. Fuel yourself with positivity and let that fuel propel you into positive action.” ― Steve Maraboli, Unapologetically You: Reflections on Life and the Human Experience

My cousin who lives in Australia and who I am yet to meet face to face is my best gal pal. We are thicker than peas in a pod. She and I can chat for hours on Facebook Messenger then transfer to the telephone without skipping a beat and go on for a couple more hours. We share the most delicate details of our lives. She knows things about me that people who see me every day would never imagine that I am capable of doing or being. The same is true of her - I have knowledge about her that maybe another human should not have! Our connection is simply amazing. As we converse via whichever medium, once one of us veers off track into negativity zone, the other grabs her arm and pulls her back onto the dividing line at least.

What I love about my relationship with Beth is whenever I truly need to bitch and/or bawl - in one of the most beautiful Ozzie accents you have ever heard, she brings me back to centre. I remember a few months ago, on the verge of giving up and unable to tell even my other Sistahs of DOS or others who would swear they know me, it was Beth who held my hand; fearlessly but gently spoke truth to me in words that I needed to hear. She was my uplifter.

“Sometimes our light goes out, but is blown again into instant flame by an encounter with another human being.” ― Albert Schweitzer

I like to think that I do the same for my cousin, as well as for others. After all, it is the mission for the rest of my life. Sometimes, I fall short - we all do. Yet, after every fall, I rise stronger and more focussed on the lesson and a more grace-filled way of moving forward.

Are you an upper or downer? Do you know when to stop talking and simply be there for another? Have you learnt the art of being an uplifter without merely parroting platitudes? Share with us here or on our Facebook page.

Have a great rest of the week!

Namaste