Back To Basics: Free Range Kids - How To Grow One

Back in the 60's when I was a kid, all of us were what they are now calling Free Range Children.

We:

• Played 'dolly house', in cardboard boxes out in the backyard.
• Sipped on deliciously flavoured mud tea and ate leaves for cakes
• Ran bucknaked with the dogs
• Bathed outdoors with hoses
• Sat under the mango trees and ate the fallen fruits
• Walked to and from schools alone or in packs of 6 year olds.

Today, after 10 years of running wild and free, most of my childhood playmates are still going strong. With doctorates, bachelor's and master's degrees in law, communications, medicine, theology and many other fields, we all became geniuses at the most coveted field - "Thrivers in Life."

Recently, I shared a story of how my daughter and a playmate fell while horse playing. As there was no money to seek medical treatment for both, my Abigail got her first lesson in mind control. She learned many other lessons prior to and after that on the open fields of life.

Among them, Abigail learned:

1. To sleep whenever and wherever she needed to through years of slumber swaddled on trains across Europe.
2. To eat and appreciate most foods at least once and be respectful to her hosts who provide for her. This was taught to her through many meals of Spam, sardines and chicken back - all we could afford at points in our journey.
3. To entertain herself after spending many hours with other kids in the nearby caves, playing alone with sticks and stones and feeding the pigs and chickens at her grandparents' home in rural Jamaica.
4. To focus, having done her homework or slept on the floor under my desk or my ex's desk in a noisy newsroom.

If by free range parenting they mean - allowing your child to explore the colours, texture and variances of our world with open eyes and hearts, with parental guidance of right and wrong and a compass to get back home - I am all for it!

Quoting from the National Public Radio:

"Last December, parents in Silver Spring, Md., allowed their two children — 6 and 10 years old — to walk home from a park about a mile away. Someone reported seeing unsupervised kids, the police picked them up and then the parents found themselves under investigation for neglect by their local Child Protective Services (CPS) agency.

The parents, Danielle and Alexander Meitiv, say they believe in "free range" parenting. They want to instill self-reliance and independence in their children. But now they are under investigation again. Earlier this month, police picked up the children as they walked home from a park and took them to the CPS offices. They were returned home hours later." Read more 

Image source: pinterest.com

Although there are other pending charges for other incidents of their setting their children free, news broke this morning that the Mietiv's were exonerated by the Courts. 

Yes, there are people around who have ill-intentions towards children. I personally have had that experience. In my case, however, they were not out by the ballpark where my posse of 7 year olds had gone to play. The predators in my story were right in our house or next door.

When I opened our doors and unleashed my child, it was with her head loaded with information about: which 'pasture' she ought to roam in, mealtimes, description of the wolves and foxes and what to do if one showed up and not to wander off from her fellow chickens!

In a digital age, it is comforting to know that there are technologies available for us to monitor the whereabouts of our children. The flip side, however, is that so many tie their children's living to an app or device.

Mahalia in her open field

Being a "free ranger" myself, I am not immune to this. My daughter and I got into a debate on this when I declared that my granddaughter's first birthday gift from me will be a Tablet! Hypocrite!

My neighbours have two lovely children - free range kids. This gift seems to be very much one from their grandmother, who is about the same age as myself and who grew up on a farm here in Alberta. She is a "do it yourselfer" extraordinaire - around the house and in the yard.  As she is out and about, with or without the children's mother, and the kids can be seen sitting in the dirt having a ball! Not once have I heard either mother or grandmother warning them of bacteria, bugs or getting their clothes messed up. Winter time the same deal. They are out in below zero temperatures - cold but warm enough to be outdoors, making snowmen or beating the crap out of each other with snowballs. And these are not children short on toys, books, gadgets and televisions to watch!

Balance - it is all about balance.

That is the key to parenting that supports a child's development, natural curiosity, well-being and in fact, health. A new buzz word it might be but there is nothing new about free range parenting - that is how we 50+ plusers grew up! 

As for that Tablet for Mahalia? Maybe Canada Day 2016, her birthday. Give her some time to eat dirt, wild flowers, ride a donkey and pull a dog's tail.

There is no manual for parenting. We all do the best we can and hopefully that leaves room for children to explore, be and evolve into their full selves.

Namaste

Claudette

The Not So Good and Worst of Helicopter Parenting

Clara Brown

Parents generally want a better life for their children than they had.  Some take this desire to a different level and hover over their children, earning themselves the title "Helicopter Parents."

Then there are those who live vicariously through their children while others make their children's decisions in hopes of ensuring their success.

A parent's role is irreplaceable in the lives of their children. There are no known substitutes or scientific fix to replace the vital role or roles of parents in children's lives.  Studies have shown that:

• Children who have parental support are likely to have better health as adults
• Students with involved parents tend to earn higher grades, have better social skills and are more likely to do extremely well in school
• Children are more likely to be socially competent and  have better communication skills when they have parents who are sensitive to their needs and emotions
• Children who are supported and monitored by their parents have the tendency to keep on the straight and narrow; at least for a while into their adult lives.

The relationship that parents share with their children impacts the trajectory of the younger one's life. I can attest to this fact in my own life.  I constantly use my parents' guidance as  point of reference to this day.

Image: better brains online.com 

To be called a 'Helicopter" or "hovering " parent gives the impression that the parent who is so labelled does not have the ability to let go even as the child grows up and ventures, supposedly, into the world on his/her own.  One of the downsides to this type of parenting is that the children seem to be least equipped to independently face the world.  Being denied the 'trial and error' experiences that are known to be crucial for strong character formation, places these children at a disadvantage as they do not know how to handle life's critical issues.

Admittedly, I do have some distinctive "helicopter/hovering" traits while Daddy is an avid advocate of balance. Dad sees his role as equipping our son, Jared, for the big world by assigning and insisting that he carries out his chores and his pet care responsibilities. Sometimes, he is taken to Dad's office and Son-Son is given duties their as well, including sales.  If Jared is successful in closing a sale, he is paid his full commission - an amount which is lodged to his bank account.

It is not the indisputable value of active parenting that I have issue with, rather the refusal to allow the child to grow beyond a parents 'cloying grasp'.  If we accept that one of the most universal feelings that transcends nationality, race, class and culture is a parent's love, then we must also place some value on the necessary 'hovering' but at the appropriate time and with the required level of balance.

I am the product of parents who did not feel the need to monitor my homework.  It was understood that I would do it properly and hand it in on time. To me, that never equated to being loved any less than a child of this generation whose mother sits  at the table (as I do), lovingly watching every pen stroke, ensuring the work is neat and tidy, ensuring the penmanship is acceptable, ensuring that the completed work is checked over for accuracy and all those self-imposed or should I say "hovering activities."  It can be debated that the world has changed and what is demanded academically of children today is so onerous that without additional parental support they will sink.

There is a thin line between being a supportive parent and being one who hovers or cossets. So if your child fails to write the homework from the board and is reprimanded, frankly, so be it.  It is a lesson learnt.  It certainly is not the end of the world.  Our job is to teach not only responsibility but also resilience.  If my child is punished for this or any other infraction at school, I do not see the need to descend on the school and engage the teacher in tedious dialogue.  My discussion will certainly be with my child to ensure that this does not happen again.  The focus for me has always been solution-oriented, not in reliving the mistake and subsequent penalty.

Image: teenlife.com

Having hovering or helicopter parents lead to conflicting responses in children. On one hand, there is a feeling of being cherished and protected. On the other hand, there is often resentment accompanied by unwillingness or inability to solve problems on their  own, knowing that Mom or Pop are only the press of a button away and will only too happily swoop down to "fight their battles."

What escapes some of us who have the tendency to hover is that the lessons that life teaches often make us better parents ourselves. One of the most rewarding and perhaps flattering signs of successful parenting is when a parent's counsel is sought long after the child is an adult.  It is a sign of  respect and trust. However, seeking such advice should be a part of the decision-making process and not the process in its entirety.

In the same way it is important for our children to lead their own lives, it is also of paramount importance that we have interests outside of our children that bring us great joy and satisfaction.  We cannot protect our children from hurt and pain all the time.  What we can do is to prepare them to face challenges on their own armed with the knowledge that we love and support them.

Are you willing to let go when the time comes?

Share your thoughts with us on this or any other topic, here in the comment section or on our Facebook page.

Have a great rest of the day!

Clara Brown is our regular Guest Author. She lives in Kingston, Jamaica where she is an Insurance Executive.

A Few Choice Tips For Grandparents

"It is a grand thing to be a mother of a mother---that's why the world calls her grandmother"- Anonymous

Clara Brown

Many grandparents today are stepping in to raise their grandchildren when the childrens' own parents are not able or willing to do so. In fact, according to the US Census Statistics (2000), over 4.5 million households in that country are headed by grandparents.

I have always felt that grandparents are supposed to play a key role in the "Kingdom of Grandchildrenship." As a grateful beneficiary (my brothers and I) of some high levels of grandparentship, the value of having such a relationship is not lost on me.

Memories of my hairdo courtesy of my willing and beautiful grandmother still make me shudder. When I complained, she would remind me, "Chile, yuh hair is yuh beauty, so it caan comb ugly!" (Translation: Child, your hair is your beauty so it cannot be uglily combed)

For me, "Ugly" meant "Nubian Knots" or "Chiney Bumps." We were not amused with our grandparents cosmetology skills. Oh, I didn't mention that when my hair was 'washed', notice I did not use the more modern term 'shampooed', this was a process that could take two days!

Many years after her passing, the cravings for her sweet-tooth culinary delights of coconut drops, gizzadas, and grater cakes, still lingered. Childish joy fills me when I recall Church Harvests preparations and the aroma of boiled sugar wafting through the house from the outdoor, wood-burning oven that my grandmother used.

"What a bargain grandchildren are! I give them my loose change, and they give me a million dollars of pleasure." Gene Perret

The value of the grandparents' input  cannot be underestimated or disregarded.  Some of us will be forever grateful.  Due to circumstances beyond parental control, by their absence or inability to raise their children, grandparents are often the ones who will step in. Raising a second generation brings many rewards, develop deeper relationships as well as keep the family together. As with direct parenting, grandparenting comes with its own level of challenges.

My mother technically 'never left home'.  My grandfather died when I was three years old so I do not remember much of him.  Grandma died in my High School years.  My mother was a workoholic, as such the adult who was constantly at home, sweeping, polishing and cooking our meals was Grandma.  She was also a self-acclaimed songstress; so in tune and out of tune, she would bellow her favourite hymns as she did the chores.  What amazes me to this day is that she could find a hymn or song befitting every event or circumstance.

Image: 55places.com

"A grandmother is a baby sitter who watches the kids instead of the television"....Author Unknown

The prospect of raising grandchildren is bound to trigger a range of emotions.  As the mother of a tweenager, it is very evident to me that this era is so different from the one I grew up in. I try to instill some of the old and valuable lessons taught to me by my mother and grandmother.  Of course, he constantly resists and reminds me how much different things were in MY time from now.

I have discussed this "time difference " issue with grandparents who are now saddled with being primary caretakers of their children's children.  In addition to the positive emotions of love which they feel, there are also the emotions associated with fear of failure, doubts and misgivings about their capability to raise children in these times and the feeling of ambivalence about child-rearing at a time when these responsibilities ought to be dwindling.

Those who did not refuse to assume the full responsibilities of parenting another generation, can get so caught up taking care of their charges that they neglect to take care of themselves.

My advice to grandparents at any level of participation, is do not get so preoccupied with your wards' lives that you let your own needs fall by the wayside.

Image: ohio.edu

TAKING CARE OF YOURSELF IS A NECESSITY, NOT A LUXURY!  

In order to keep up with your grand-kids, you need to be calm, focused and looking after your own mental and physical health. If you are a GRAND-parent, I have some tips for you:

• Take care of your own health. Unless you are in good physical shape, you will not be able to take care of the grandchildren:
• Make ME-Time for rest and relaxation.  This is essential to avoid burnout.  Remember, you have already raised one generation  of children. There are no Super GRANDma's or GRANDpa's. Use this ME-time to really do fun things away from the GRANDones.
• It is OK to ask for assistance from your grandchildren. They are smarter and more capable than we often give them credit. Helping out will also make your grand kids feel good, trusted and learn responsibility.

You did your lead role already having your children. Now you are a supporting actor/actress. Never feel guilty for remembering that and playing your Oscar-worthy role!

Share your tips with other grandparents here or on our Facebook page and do enjoy your grandies!