Would You Pose Bucknaked For Love?

Claudette

Here are some of the things I will not do to be in a relationship. They might seem strange but as a dear departed man I knew always loved to say, "Fact is sometimes stranger than fiction!"

In order to find "love," be in an intimate relationship and/or maintain my current friendships or make new ones, I will not:

1. Betray my core principles of truth always, fairness, maximum respect and loyalty
2. Lend more money than I can afford to not have returned.
3. Pay my partner's personal bills (eg., student loans, alimony, car note, child support, etc)
4. Pose for nude pictures with or without my partner in it
5. Live with in-laws ( did it twice and never to be repeated
6. Have a Brazilian wax done to satisfy my partner
7. Be involved in a three-some

Those are on my shortlist because I have either been recently asked whether I would or had others do to me as it relates to #1.

I have done some crazy things in my life, at the behest of others or from a feeling of "need to" in order to keep the relationship or friendship alive.

Since 2011, I have been living alone with the intermittent break of staying with a friend while on extended vacation or with my daughter while I resettled. What those years have taught me is that:

• I love my own company

• I really do not NEED a partner or anyone to "make me happy"

• My spiritual life is richer and deeper in solitude.

I will not do anything for love (as we loosely use the word).

Recently on a dating site a man told me he was very attracted to me after several conversations. Then he shared that he is a cancer survivor and his sexual performance has been affected by the disease. He said that should we meet and hit it off, and eventually decide to become intimate, I would need to inject his sexual organ in order for us to copulate. The conversation ended there.

I am not doing that for love nor money.

Another one wanted me to visit his hometown, and like a marching band be paraded around town, meeting the mayor and all. When I questioned the reason for this itinerary, he admitted that his previous girlfriend unceremoniously dumped him and I was to be his new trophy.

I will not be that for love, money or show.

Image: pinterest.com

There are women and men who will do anything to prevent being alone or in the case of this man, to save face. A favourite statement of mine to my friends is that "my shame tree died long ago!" I am way to busy doing me to care what others think about my life.

One solid lesson that I have learnt is that if you allow them to, people will have you standing on your head, acting the fool for their pleasure. Many will say they love you as long as you are living according to their demands.

If I have to be anything other than who I am to be your lover or friend - I would rather remain alone.

Would you - do anything for love? What would that be? Share with us here or on our Facebook page.

Do enjoy the rest of the evening!

Sex, Please And Thank You

Me, I want it. Sex.

Well just as much as I want to love and be loved.

Prude I am not. Neither am I too spiritual, biblical or religious to deny my physical need. Yes, sex is a need and I will most certainly not agree with any arguments otherwise. It is also a desire – in which case or on which occasion it might be better to say, it can be postponed.

This I know for sure – a sexless marriage is a dead marriage. Again I am not willing to debate this as I have lived it, observed others who have – both informally and clinically.

Sex is not a sin.

My attempt here is to be clear not controversial. Being real is my way of operating and at no point in time will I ever be hypocritical to woo an audience or in this case readership.

Sex is not a sin. It can be a mistake:

• With the wrong person
• When participated in at an inopportune time
• Engaged in exchange for financial or other material benefit

Sex outside of marriage – here I go – is not a crime: moral or otherwise.

Sex without deep emotional attachment can be fun but can be painful for one or both parties.

Children, teenagers and even emotionally unstable people ought not to engage in sexual acts until they are of age, mentally prepared for the inevitable responsibilities and/or emotionally capable of handling the act not going past what it is – an act.

Love and sex combined form a most splendorous expression. Yet, speaking for myself and all those who are too shy to, you can deeply love someone (husband, wife, lifelong partner) but sex between you has lost its zest.

Is this straight talk enough for you? Well share your view with us here or on our Facebook page. For the record, sometimes short in many things, including a blog post and sex, can be very interesting and exciting.

Have a great night!

Want Respect? Then Be It.

This will be a short post, reason being there is no sense in belabouring the points. They are self-explanatory.

Respect. What is respect and how do you get it?

Many believe that respect is something you get or earn. Watched a fellow on YouTube who feels that respect is taken.

All these views hold truth. It is also true that you get what you give. So, give respect and get respect. However, as I believe that your deepest intention, regardless of your words, determines what comes to you, if you are simply lip syncing "respect" but not behaving respectfully, then you cannot get it.

My view is this: You have to BE RESPECT to experience respect.

So, how do you "become" respect? Here are a few suggestions:

1. Love yourself no matter what or where you are in life.
2. Honour your truth, no matter what others think, say or do.
3. Take care of #1 first - that is you.
4. Do not "sacrifice" your dreams and aspirations for anyone else's

I am sure that some of you reading this think that I am pushing selfishness. Actually, I am not. What I have come to learn and know after many years of doing otherwise is that whatever I want to experience I must become.

Respect involves love, honour, taking care/nurturing and pursuit of happiness. You have to be a loving, honourable, caring and happy person for yourself to respect those qualities in others.

Try it. Start embodying respect in these ways. I promise you that once you do and stop talking about respect, significant changes will start occurring in your life and relationships.

Have a great rest of the evening and remember you can always comment here or on our Facebook page on any of the topics we cover.

Namaste

You Win Some Or You Get Life Lessons!

Claudette Esterine

Managing people tends to be, at least in my experience, a lot more about working with varying, conflicting and when you are lucky, complementary personalities.

Some time ago, one of my DOS Sistahs sent me a message in which she shared her admiration of my skill to keep our Group together with all of our foibles, quirks, perspectives, etc. I was humbled by her remark as it was affirmation of my lessons and the fact that I was not doing a bad just applying the wisdom of them.

Very often in the past, I have said to my daughter that it would be great if she would learn from her grandmother’s and my own mistakes and make some new ones. Well, some days I see evidence that she heard me and is very busy taking some new life classes. Other days, I am challenged to believe that she heard a word that I said much less realised that the mistake she is about to make was long ago made by me.

Tempted as I am to protect her, my lesson now is in keeping my mouth shut. Why? Simple - “Sometimes we win; sometimes we learn.”

Growing up most of us heard a different ending to that fabulous quote and title of his book from Dr. John Maxwell. We were told sometimes you lose. Looking over my own life, I have to say that it was erroneous for adults to have told me that. They actually tried and succeeded to some extent to make me into a coward – afraid to make mistakes, scared to take a chance.

Thankfully, that lasted for only sixteen years of my life. Possibly less, as I became a true risk taker.

Now after 40+ years, my journey is full of lessons learnt. Almost halfway through my time on Earth, if you believe that a century is the new average time limit, I am so excited about the new missteps that are ahead.

“I sometimes react to making a mistake as if I have betrayed myself. My fear of making a mistake seems to be based on the hidden assumption that I am potentially perfect and that if I can just be very careful, I will not fall from heaven. But a mistake is a declaration of the way I am, a jolt to the way I intend, a reminder that I am not dealing with facts. When I have listened to my mistakes, I have grown.” Hugh Prather

Here are a few of my losses and the learnings that I received:

Loss:  Parent (Mother) could not afford to keep me in High School after Grade 11 as most of my class mates, so I had to drop out at that level and find a job.

Learning:  Got a part time job using my basic secretarial training in high school, paid my way through night classes for Business Administration courses; upon graduation got a job as a junior legal secretary and volunteered at a local political party office, where I gained lots of experience in data entry, typing and started to learn basic speech writing and communications skills. Through this connection, I obtained a full scholarship to University in Eastern Europe.

Loss:  Separated from the man who I thought was the love of my life, my country and all that was familiar to me. Arrived in a place where the colour of my skin placed me at a grave disadvantage and my gender and age made me vulnerable.

Learning: Survival skills kicked in and turned up to heights I never knew I was capable of. Obtained a Master’s degree, travelled extensively across Europe, became fluent in Russian, met people from all over the world, political knowledge and savvy increased, got married and divorced for the first time, and best of all, had my beautiful daughter.

Loss:  The most meaningful intimate relationship of my life ended after 16 years.

Learning: That I am truly a survivor and able to thrive under any circumstance.

Those are just three of the seemingly big losses of my life. I could have given up or given in on all occasions, thrown pity parties – and in fact I attempted to do both but Something stopped or halted me.  These three examples held the seeds of some of my greatest learnings/lessons.

Today’s focus is on intimate relationships and the last example above is my best of my repertoire of loss in love and lesson in life.  What I was blessed by ex with through this loss was confirmation of my will to survive and thrive. Yes, my life looks differently in many ways today – I am happier, more free, more Me.

“Those who profit from adversity possess a spirit of humility and are therefore inclined to make the necessary changes needed to learn from their mistakes, failures, and losses. … When we are focused too much on ourselves, we lose perspective. Humility allows us to regain perspective and see the big picture. … Humility allows us to let go of perfection and keep trying.” John Maxwell

I certainly did “profit” from my losses in love – I grew! What about you? Did you profit from your divorce, separation and heartbreaks or are you still wallowing in self-pity, blame and/or bitterness? Wherever you are – it is okay. The first step to healing is acknowledging and that is what I invite you to do – acknowledge where you are exactly. You can do so here or through our Facebook page. You could also message me privately.

Looking forward to hearing about your learnings and do enjoy the rest of the evening.

Namaste

Last Chance To Get On Those Resolutions!

Claudette Esterine

In exactly three months from today, most of us will be making final plans for our Christmas holidays. Some would have already started shopping for their New Year's Eve ball outfit.

It has been several years now that I have attended any sort of celebratory event on December 31. The last many years have found me at home, alone, having a quiet night, probably sipping a glass of wine or hugging a mug of coffee as I contemplate my life and the dreams for the new year.

New Year's Eve 2013 found me in my home country of Jamaica and as much I wanted to be there, the night was spent in much the same fashion - alone and in contemplation.

Resolutions I do not make but intentions I do set. Earlier this year, I shared with you what my intentions were for 2014. In June, I posted a mid-year review. Now, three months and two weeks away from doing this exercise for 2015, my questions are:

1. Did you set intentions for 2014?
2. Where are you with them?
3. If you had not, would you care to set some now?

My intentions for 2014 were specific in some areas yet broad in most. The overriding theme for me was experiencing a sense of wellbeing in all aspects of my life. I shared in a March post my exact Vision for the year. Since then, there have been expansion, evolution and enhancements in most areas. And there have been changes, particularly in those areas where my intention was seemingly less than my potential.

Image: pinterest.com

Standing at the last quarter of 2014, my thoughts are on the incompleted, those experiences that have not fully revealed themselves or fizzled. My questions do not include why because I understand why something might have come but did not remain. It was not for me or fully formed.

My 'task' now is to clarify those intentions - and I have - and allow them to come alive over the next few months or at least spring a bud.

What about you? What needs clarifying on your list of intentions? Are you willing to empty yourself of all the excuses, rationalizations and/or confusion to see them into being?

Share your 2014 intentional journey with us here or on our Facebook page and let us together end the year exactly how we want!

Can We Live In Peace?

The first time I left Jamaica, in fact the first time I boarded an aircraft was at the age of 18 on my way to the former Soviet Union.

Nothing could have prepared me for the next seven years. I knew that at the end of my time in one of the coldest parts of the world, I would be the holder of a Master’s degree but what about all the other things? A husband, a child, fluency in the Russian language, travels and holidays across Europe to name a few.

The greatest learning, however, was the history and cultures of peoples from around the world.

Where and how else would an 18 year old interface, commune, eat, relate, entertain, study and befriend a Congolese, Scandinavians, a Latin American and a British citizen in an hour? The student village where we lived was a virtual United Nations gathering.

I learned to cover my head, take off my shoes, eat a full meal with my fingers and squat to use a public latrine within weeks of our arrival.

My most valuable and lifelong lesson was how to respect diversity in culture, religion, lifestyle and beliefs.

Did I agree with all that I saw, the different ways of being? No and there were times when my own culture clashed with that of others. For example, my first potential boyfriend was from Congo, French-speaking and so madly in love with me. His ways of showing affection was passionate and possessive and that had me running like a bat out of hell.

When my seven years came to an end, I did not want to leave, so enamored with the experience of living internationally locally in Kiev. Jamaica was my home but the world became my domain. I could no longer imagine a life confined to the 10,991 kilometres that Jamaica encompasses.

Image: sodahead.com

I became a citizen of the world.

As the years passed, my quest for Truth deepened. My political views expanded until it exploded – into oblivion. Later, with my exposure to the different religions and spiritual paths, first through my association and membership with The Universal Centre of Truth for Better Living in Jamaica and then my training in pastoral education, combined with my chaplaincy/spiritual counselling service in hospital and penal institutions in Canada, Love became my religion.

Today as many remember the pain and yes, tragedy of 13 years ago, my choice is to look to the beauty in the present. Life is truly a gift, and as the saying goes “that is why it is called the present.” I choose to focus on the unfolding, make room in my heart for the creation of a world much like the one in which I lived in Kiev.

This was a place where fellowship resided; we had peace amidst differences. We coexisted.

“It's the failure to see this planet as a single entity that causes so much pain so many times. You cannot attack one part of the world without it affecting the whole earth, the whole body. Attacking other cultures, other nations, is a self-destructive act. It always comes back on you in some way.”  Gorillaz, Gorillaz: Rise of the Ogre

Is that possible for the rest of the world today? Share your thoughts with us here or on our Facebook page and do enjoy the rest of your day!

Namaste

Suggestions From A Survivor: 3 Ways To Prevent Suicide

Claudette Esterine

My love of life now is not something that was always with me. As the only child for my mother and the second child for my father you would think that I had all the attention and affection a child could want.

That was not the case. In my late 30’s, I started learning how to stop casting blame at my parents' feet for what my life lacked. This was a lesson that would save my life as it, with the help of angelic friends, brought me through one of the darkest periods of my journey.

Sitting on the therapist’s floor with several different colours of wool threads encircling my body, I learned the lesson of boundaries. It was a few weeks, possibly a month after my second suicide attempt. Like so many, I had resisted seeing a therapist after the first attempt – the one that had the potential of being fatal as I had swallowed a cocktail of pills. Both were cries for help – to cope, to figure out how to move on.

People can be very insensitive to those of us who have lost our compasses, unclear how to step through the dark and foggy mist of depression and despair. I recall one “friend” asking me very sarcastically “Where was your God?” Well that was the end of our friendship as this so-called friend and spiritual person clearly had no true concept that “my God” had not left me.

It was I who had built monuments from humans. My mother was the first. My absent was father the second. A stream of lovers, friends who seemed to have lives better than I did were next. My “soul mate” was the biggest.

What attempting suicide taught me is that cowardly an act though it might seem, it is not an act for the fainthearted.

Please, do not read this wrong. This is not an endorsement of suicide. It is merely a statement of experience – of someone who has sat through the pain of loss, shock of abandonment and despair of an uncertain future with bottles of alcohol, knives, a balcony, pills and poison needing to choose which way to exit if at all.  As you sit with this decision, the grief of family and friends does cross your mind but it is the least of your worries.

I remember talking to “my God,” bargaining, pleading and beseeching to exchange the suffering that I was experiencing with a moment's relief. None came.  At least not as quickly as I needed and how I wanted. What I wanted was to wake up from the nightmare that I was obviously in to find that nothing had changed, despite the unhappiness my then partner and I both were experiencing.

So I swallowed the pills.

Sometime in the future, I will tell the rest of this story but for now as we observe World Suicide Prevention Day, my “wish” is that we would:

1. Pay more attention to our friends and acquaintances as they work their way through emotional challenges
2. Be less judgmental and more open to discussions about emotional issues and seeking or give the support required to regain one’s equilibrium
3. Lend a voice to the voiceless that are challenged by emotional issues – those of us who have “survived” this very personal battle.

Much of my early childhood into young adulthood issues were caused, let us say, by my parents’ lack of emotional stability. They both lacked parenting skills that would have allowed them to steer me away from abuse, neglect and emotional deprivation. My mother, as the sole caregiver, provided very little care and too much abuse. This history shaped me into a young woman lacking in confidence, self-esteem and vulnerable to the perverted advances of adults who should have known better.

As my spiritual guides always say, I sought love in all the wrong places as a result. Yet, it was my choice – all of them. That was the truth that was so hard for me to accept but when I finally did, on my therapist’s floor, I took full responsibility for my emotional health and started allowing others to do the same with theirs – including my mother.

Research shows that a person who has attempted suicide once will try again – most often successfully. Thankfully, I had the support and intervention that got me off that ledge.  Would you do the same for someone else?

Please check your local telephone directory for Suicide Prevention services in your neighbourhood and volunteer your services as you are gifted. If you are experiencing feelings of uncertainty, despair and intense grief, please seek help from the Suicide Prevention Hotline in your neighbourhood. If you are not aware of that number, then dial 911 for help.

Share your stories on this or any other topic with us here or on our Facebook page.

Have a great rest of the day!