You Win Some Or You Get Life Lessons!

Claudette Esterine

Managing people tends to be, at least in my experience, a lot more about working with varying, conflicting and when you are lucky, complementary personalities.

Some time ago, one of my DOS Sistahs sent me a message in which she shared her admiration of my skill to keep our Group together with all of our foibles, quirks, perspectives, etc. I was humbled by her remark as it was affirmation of my lessons and the fact that I was not doing a bad just applying the wisdom of them.

Very often in the past, I have said to my daughter that it would be great if she would learn from her grandmother’s and my own mistakes and make some new ones. Well, some days I see evidence that she heard me and is very busy taking some new life classes. Other days, I am challenged to believe that she heard a word that I said much less realised that the mistake she is about to make was long ago made by me.

Tempted as I am to protect her, my lesson now is in keeping my mouth shut. Why? Simple - “Sometimes we win; sometimes we learn.”

Growing up most of us heard a different ending to that fabulous quote and title of his book from Dr. John Maxwell. We were told sometimes you lose. Looking over my own life, I have to say that it was erroneous for adults to have told me that. They actually tried and succeeded to some extent to make me into a coward – afraid to make mistakes, scared to take a chance.

Thankfully, that lasted for only sixteen years of my life. Possibly less, as I became a true risk taker.

Now after 40+ years, my journey is full of lessons learnt. Almost halfway through my time on Earth, if you believe that a century is the new average time limit, I am so excited about the new missteps that are ahead.

“I sometimes react to making a mistake as if I have betrayed myself. My fear of making a mistake seems to be based on the hidden assumption that I am potentially perfect and that if I can just be very careful, I will not fall from heaven. But a mistake is a declaration of the way I am, a jolt to the way I intend, a reminder that I am not dealing with facts. When I have listened to my mistakes, I have grown.” Hugh Prather

Here are a few of my losses and the learnings that I received:

Loss:  Parent (Mother) could not afford to keep me in High School after Grade 11 as most of my class mates, so I had to drop out at that level and find a job.

Learning:  Got a part time job using my basic secretarial training in high school, paid my way through night classes for Business Administration courses; upon graduation got a job as a junior legal secretary and volunteered at a local political party office, where I gained lots of experience in data entry, typing and started to learn basic speech writing and communications skills. Through this connection, I obtained a full scholarship to University in Eastern Europe.

Loss:  Separated from the man who I thought was the love of my life, my country and all that was familiar to me. Arrived in a place where the colour of my skin placed me at a grave disadvantage and my gender and age made me vulnerable.

Learning: Survival skills kicked in and turned up to heights I never knew I was capable of. Obtained a Master’s degree, travelled extensively across Europe, became fluent in Russian, met people from all over the world, political knowledge and savvy increased, got married and divorced for the first time, and best of all, had my beautiful daughter.

Loss:  The most meaningful intimate relationship of my life ended after 16 years.

Learning: That I am truly a survivor and able to thrive under any circumstance.

Those are just three of the seemingly big losses of my life. I could have given up or given in on all occasions, thrown pity parties – and in fact I attempted to do both but Something stopped or halted me.  These three examples held the seeds of some of my greatest learnings/lessons.

Today’s focus is on intimate relationships and the last example above is my best of my repertoire of loss in love and lesson in life.  What I was blessed by ex with through this loss was confirmation of my will to survive and thrive. Yes, my life looks differently in many ways today – I am happier, more free, more Me.

“Those who profit from adversity possess a spirit of humility and are therefore inclined to make the necessary changes needed to learn from their mistakes, failures, and losses. … When we are focused too much on ourselves, we lose perspective. Humility allows us to regain perspective and see the big picture. … Humility allows us to let go of perfection and keep trying.” John Maxwell

I certainly did “profit” from my losses in love – I grew! What about you? Did you profit from your divorce, separation and heartbreaks or are you still wallowing in self-pity, blame and/or bitterness? Wherever you are – it is okay. The first step to healing is acknowledging and that is what I invite you to do – acknowledge where you are exactly. You can do so here or through our Facebook page. You could also message me privately.

Looking forward to hearing about your learnings and do enjoy the rest of the evening.

Namaste

Women? Fight Against Each Other? No...

Claudette Esterine

The idea that women “fight against” each other is such an ancient one that it has become somewhat like a law of life or rules of the game, so to speak. I am not sure where it has its roots or whether it is a mythical or psychological tale that someone spun many years ago that we have managed to perpetuate.

One thing that I know for sure is that this pattern of behavior: backstabbing, pulling at each other’s skirt tails, attempting to drag a Sistah off the proverbial ladder has marred and scarred so many of us. In my own experience, women were never considered to be my friends for a very long time but someone to compete with for limited resources. Whether it was the affection of a man or a coveted promotion, I practised and mastered (I hate to admit) the art of “women being our own worst enemies.”

A demure woman was the first to begin tutoring me to change my attitude. She reminded me that all my behaviour towards another is a reflection of, not their, but my demons.

Really?

Yes, really and as the years went by and the lessons deepened and expanded I began to understand the truth of this lesson. Learning to love myself, to erase as best as I could the recording of the most significant woman in my life, my mother, putting me down, my wings grew and my heart expanded.

Today, as I prepare to take on the mantle of Matriarch of my family, I know that some of the most important lessons that must be passed on to my granddaughter:

1. Self-love and self-respect
2. Cooperation over competition
3. Truth and honour above all else

What about you? What will be your legacy? What story will you be telling of woman- and sister-hood.

Share your view with us on this or any of our topics in this blog. Also, do follow us on Twitter and like us on Facebook.

Namaste.

Do Unto Others: The Golden or Outdated Rule?

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“Do unto others have you would have them do unto you,” was riveted in my head from an early age. Funny enough, however, as I looked around me, hardly anyone was living by it.  

Strange how that works, is it not? Adults teach one thing but practice another. Being the rebel that I was, more a quiet storm until later in life when roaring became my mode of speech, I would constantly question this maxim. Granted, I did try as long as possible to conform. 

In my effort to live by The Golden Rule, I became a doormat. Thinking that kindness would be return if I bent over backwards and stood on my head for others, my younger years were spent doing some serious mental and psychological aerobics to be “good.”

Please do not get me wrong. While I do not call myself a Christian, not anymore, I am very much a follower of Jesus’ teachings – well for the most part. Never the fundamentalist, however, I question everything and everyone, including Jesus and he was not the originator of this ethical code.

“According to Simon Blackburn, although the Golden Rule ‘can be found in some form in almost every ethical tradition’, the rule is ‘sometimes claimed by Christianity as its own.’ The "Golden Rule" has been attributed to Jesus of Nazareth, though he himself uses it to summarize the Old Testament: "Do to others what you want them to do to you. This is the meaning of the law of Moses and the teaching of the prophets" (Matthew 7:12 NCV. (Source: Wikipedia)

A Priceless Principle would be my name for the lesson that was taught to me after years of trying to “do unto others…" and falling flat on my face:

“You teach people how to treat you by what you allow.”

My experience has taught me that others will do unto me what I allow them to do, not necessarily what I have done unto to them. Over my 40+ years, many times I have gone without money to pay my own bills as my salary paid off someone else’s debt. Sardines, Spam (which I quite enjoy) and other canned fish or meat have been my supper, breakfast AND lunch many a weeks while my grocery funds bought essential vegetables, protein and medication for another. In more recent times, my experience has been that I walked away from lucrative and prestigious situations (let us say) in order to stand up for others.

What was my ‘reward’? Financial loss, infidelity and even bankruptcy as the “others” did not find it necessary to “do back to me” in kind.

From these situations I also learned a couple others things:

1.  Never do for others with the expectation of a return.
2.  If I cannot give freely and unconditionally, then do not
3. Check my intention and motivation before doing anything. If it is self-serving, forget it.

To me those are the “Golden Nuggets” that were not taught to me and probably you. It is indeed true that people will treat you how you have taught them. So be careful of the classes you are holding!

Share your thoughts with me on this or any other of our topics. Browse our archives and let us know what you think. Follow us on Twitter and do *Like* our Facebook page.

Have a great rest of the day and Happy Canada Day tomorrow to my fellow Canadians!

I Did Not Create That! Or Did I?

"You must be flipping kidding me?! I would not have done or wanted that!"

My head spun, just as yours did the first time you read or had someone tell you that "you create your own reality."

It was simply too much for me to wrap my head around. Why would I have created:
1. Childhood sexual abuse?
2. Parental abuse?
3. Spousal Abuse?

Did not make sense then and even now, almost 15 years after hearing this and embarking on a journey to understand it, some days I am still a bit wobbly.

Case in point: Here I am, minding my own business (or so I think), traveled from Canada to Jamaica on a journey to the "what's next" of my life. Things are overall going as I anticipated in terms of my feeling of well being. Then, boom...this person, seemingly insignificant to my journey, merely a passerby, takes a strong disliking to me.

What the hell?! "Exactly what is your problem," is what I want to ask her but held back. When she is "passing through," I do my best to ignore her presence. For some reason, she refuses to reciprocate!

In Jamaica we have a saying that a person "a dash word fi you." That basically means they say things as you pass by, not necessarily nice things and most definitely not directly to your face. Their attitude, tone, snide laughter and body language convey clearly, however, that their words are all for you.

All along I either willed myself to ignore or avoid her, limiting as far as possible my need to interact. "This woman is delusional, bitter and unclear as to how she got to where she is and hence projecting her self-hate on me!" 

That was my diagnosis of the case and that ought to have closed the matter.

So why then am I blogging about it? 

I called this experience, not necessarily the person! And why? To heal it. This perspective has been itching at me, inviting me to look within, for about two months now but I kept looking at her rudeness, aggression, disrespectful behavior and attitude. Did that change anything? Yes, it increased!

Science, quantum physics in particular, as well as spiritual masters have been telling us this:

"The more you focus on something, the bigger it gets!"

It would take a couple more blog posts for me to detail how my focus has increased so many wanted and unwanted experiences, situations, etc in my life. I probably will over time.

Today, as this theme came to me: "You Create Your Reality," this latest 'teacher', because she is one, came with her attitude tun' up!

What did I do?

Nothing but took my attention away from her.  Instead, I 'pivoted' and used music to tune elsewhere - to love that is within me.

The result? Within a couple of hours of her appearance, my long distance partner called. We had not been able to speak in 24 hours, which is equivalent to eternity for us. He and I had one of the most delicious conversations ever, intensely passionate and creative, planning and claiming how we want the next few months to unfold. All thoughts of anything and anyone else nonexistent.

My nemesis has faded away. What about yours? Are you allowing your eyes to create your reality or are your ears listening to the naysayers? How about giving your heart a chance instead? Remember, that is where the issues of life flow.

Need help? Leave us a comment here or on Facebook. You can also follow us on Twitter.

Continue to have an heart-filled day instead of your having your eyes glued to the world's reality!

Namaste

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jamesdazouloute.net
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