International Youth Day: Time To Start Healing

Claudette Esterine

Idyllic is not a word you would use to describe my childhood or the home that I grew up in. Granted, my childhood friend and member of DOS, Dr. Janice Chang, told me a couple years ago that although we lived next door to each other for many years, she had no idea that my life was less than perfect.

My mother had her masters in pretense. In all fairness to her, she tried to pretend her way into respectability. Little did she know that such is a value that is first engendered in oneself then exuded from one’s being into your world. You cannot buy or blackmail your way into respect.  

This was a lesson that was taught to me over many years and bucket loads of tears.

She was a study in contradiction, my mother. On the one hand, she would always tell me that education is key, as well as manners. At the slightest infraction, she could be heard screaming from down the road, “Manners will take you through the world!” The neighbours, like Dr. Chang, never knew that that lesson was being imparted through fist thumps to my head and whacks to my back.

Image:meltononthemove.com.au 

I left my mother’s house for the first time at 16. What I did not know then was that depression had already visited me and was setting up house with me.

It was not until my first marriage and its breakdown did it rear its “ugly” head and said hello. Yet, I ignored it. I was in love – with my husband and with the idea of being married – but not with me. He was not my first love. I had several prior to him, including a man many years older than myself. All these relationships taught me one thing – that I was not good enough.

In fact, they merely reinforced what was taught to me through my mother’s fist, knife and any instrument that she could lay her hands on to inflict pain on me. To her, I was being disciplined, taught “manners.” Actually, I was being viciously abused and my self-esteem was being dragged along the streets of hate.

When my daughter and I returned to my island home, Jamaica, upon my completion of studies in the former Soviet Union, her father and I entered another bitter level of battle over her. At the time I was in another relationship with my soul mate, the only person in this world who has every expressed and demonstrated what it means to love someone beyond comprehension. As the battle for my daughter was heating up, distressed and extremely homicidal, a girlfriend gave me a most value lesson in parenting.

“Show Abigail love and only love. Never speak ill of her father and surround her with love. She will figure things out for herself in time.”

Sound advice you know upon hearing. It resonates deep in your soul and this one did. No, I did not manage to keep my mouth shut at all times but I did manage to limit to bare minimum any snide comments or sharing any detail with Abi about her father’s and my divorce.

Image: acidpen.wordpress.com

Does my daughter have the highest self-esteem a human being, particularly a woman, can possess? Probably not, however, as I observe her, even just yesterday, I see a young woman who truly loves herself and is learning more and more how to reach out when she needs help. I am particularly fortunate that in the last few months, she is opening her heart to me – woman to woman.

Our youth are often misguided, lacking in self-esteem and have no true role models to demonstrate self-love. A particular young lady comes to mind as I write this. She believes and behaves as if all that matters is designer clothes, make-up, partying and sex. I am a Facebook junkie of no mean order but this young lady beats me as to what she will post simply for attention. Yet, those who need to or needed to be paying attention and guiding her are too busy trying to be “pals” with her and themselves in need of a good dollop of self-esteem.

We all are here to walk our paths. No one can do the journey on our behalves. Individually we get to choose our companions. Sadly, unless we received the necessary grounding in love, respect, self-worth growing up, we will chose lust posing as love, and cover our pain with drugs, alcohol, food, anything that will allow us to hide the scars inflicted through negligence and ignorance of those who were assigned to show us the way.

Image: imagebomb.com

Robin Williams’ apparent suicide yesterday (August 11, 2014), I pray will open wider the door to acknowledgment and acceptance that depression is often masked with drugs, alcohol and/or food.

Food was my own mask for many years. I have very little tolerance for alcohol and none for illicit drugs. Lust pretending to be lust was another favourite of mine, especially in my youth. My heart saddens when I observe women of my age still making this mistake. It hurts me even more when they are parents as I know their children are watching and taking notes.

As mothers and even grandmothers, let us show our youths another way. It is time. Einstein it was that said: 

“Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.”

It is time to stop this insanity. It is time to speak and about, as well as with our children, grandchildren and wards of another way, a different way of living. My own journey has taught me that teaching manners is only one step (granted not beating it into our children). We ourselves need to learn to love ourselves and not be afraid to show our children that whatever your family has is enough; that they are enough.

Let us teach our children that respect is an inside job – one that you are willing to do, for you and for them.

As a global village, it is time to start the healing. Join us from your little small corner wherever you are in our world and share your journey with us here or on our Facebook page.

Namaste.

My Choices Made Me Who I Am

Choices.

Claudette Esterine

A smile lights up my face as I think about some of the choices that I have made.

As far back as I can recall, I was never one to not make a choice. Some people go through much of their lives without consciously “picking a side.”

My former partner of 16 years and I would argue over her propensity to always sit on the fence. It annoyed the heck out of me. She would never pick a side, finding some sort of nobility in remaining on the fence and watching the rest of the world fight over spoils. From my peace-loving perspective now, her raison d’etre makes some sense. Why join in the fracas? Let the minions or as she would more than likely say – the idiots – fight.

That was never my style.

I knew which political party my loyalty belonged to since my seventh year on Earth. By 11, I was ready to cast my vote.  When my neighbours went to St. Hugh’s High School, it became my choice for my secondary education. Being a planner from a young age, I was clear which girls’ school was my second choice – Alpha High.

Without knowing the educational requirements, again once I heard of my neighbours and childhood friends to date – Dr. Janice Chang and her sister Grace – choices for future career, medicine, I decided to become a paediatrician. When it became clear that my grades would not allow me to peek through the gates of medical school much less enter, I quickly decided on the hospitality industry.

Politics was my real love, however, so when the opportunity arose for me to earn a degree my immediate choices were to pursue studies in International Relations and Political Science. Later, upon migrating to Canada, a plethora of choices were before me as the doors to my former educational achievements closed due to lack of Canadian experience. That is the topic for another post.

Fortunately, my heart was already expanding and so was my spiritual quest, my choice was easy. Soon after putting down my bags in Edmonton, Alberta and realising that another choice had to be made – I entered Theological Studies at a Catholic University. That again was a deliberate choice. There were seminaries of other denominations but I chose to learn about systematic theology and Christianity from one of its main architects.

Not choosing is really a choice. I have written on this before. 

I made such "not-choosing choices" regarding intimate relationships and friendships for many years. My transition from comatose relating to conscious connections was gradual and over many years. However, once there, I never looked back. 

It would be a lie to tell you now that any relationship that I have entered, even encounters (and I have had a few) were unknowing. My eyes were always wide open.

A wanna-be partner was recently shocked at my choice not to be his “trophy girlfriend.” Within 15 minutes of dragging out of him his true intentions, to parade me as his prize – a strong, beauty-filled, educated, intelligent to boot, black/Jamaican woman; something his ex-finance could hardly come close to – I walked out of his life, kicking the door shut in his face.

Image: etsy.com

It has taken me too many tears and too many choices to be where I am today – free, independent, self-supporting and full of Spirit – to allow anyone be it man, woman, friend or even foe to treat me in any manner demeaning of my personal esteem of Claudette.

Women who bawl their eyes out, blaming Life over the choices or not-choosing choices that they have made will get little sympathy from me. I was one such and learned the hard way – that whatever comes to me is my choice. I love how Stephen Covey phrased it:

“But until a person can say deeply and honestly, "I am what I am today because of the choices I made yesterday," that person cannot say, "I choose otherwise.” ― Stephen R. Covey, The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People: Powerful Lessons in Personal Change

Can you say this? Let me hear you say that here or on our Facebook page.

Namaste.

A Woman's Intuition: Mystery or Myth

Clara Brown

If a woman asks you a question, it's better to tell her the truth because chances are she's asking you because she already knows the answer."

Albert Einstein said "The only real valuable thing is intuition."  Intuition or sixth sense is something many of us rely on for quick judgments and often life-altering decisions.  A report of study in Britain's Journal of Psychology (2008) defined intuition as what happens when the brain draws on past experiences and external cues to make a decision but it happens so fast that the reaction is at an unconscious level.

"A woman knows by intuition or instinct what is best for her"self- Marilyn Monroe

Research has upheld the view that a woman's intuition is more fact than foolery.  Theories have suggested that women have an enhanced ability at reading facial expression and emotions. We are much more likely to pick up on subtle cues and read tone of voice and body language much better than men.

Image: themindonpages.wordpress.com

Recently, a few of us girls were engaged in one of our "Help Me Sister On-line" discussions. After minutes of worthwhile banter, laughter, food-for-thought advices and solutions geared at resolving the problems, the Champion Sister then  said, "On another note, how are you all doing otherwise? Is every thing OK?" I found it strange that she should have asked such a question after we seemingly had already thrashed the problems brought to the discussion.

Really taken aback and I waited to see what the responses of the other Sisters would be.  Alas, to my surprise, another Sister brought up a problem she was having with her child. We delved into that with our usual vigor.  However, I could not get over the experience and later asked the Champion Sister how she knew they was at least one other un-aired problem.  She responded that she sensed there was something wrong. I frivolously remarked, "You must be clairvoyant!"

Could this be attributed to the power of a woman's intuition? We were online, no two of us in the same room; no body language to observe.  There was no emotional display outside of the issue we were first discussing. So what would have driven our Champion Sister to ask that "how are things otherwise" question?

I submit - Woman's Intuition.

Image: dailyplateofcrazy.com

Have you ever had the feeling that you should carry out a particular action, one that felt as if your life depended on it? Alan Alda said, "You have to leave the city of comfort and go into the wilderness on intuition.  What you will discover will be wonderful.  What you'll discover is yourself"

There are countless stories from persons whose lives have been altered significantly because they followed their gut-feeling or intuition.  Our intuition offers us power that is a lot more subtle.  Many have downgraded it to sixth sense but it is more powerful than that. What else can explain the way we feel and how we interpret things men just cannot seem to understand.  What explains the raw gut feeling we get when we know something is wrong?

I am sure it is that magical force called intuition that tells you something is not right before any signs even appear. It is a powerful force within us and while many times it is an unwelcome guest, it should always be received and respected as it is a sign that something needs adjustment or just merely to prepare us.

Do you pay attention to your intuition or gut feeling? How much do you rely on it to make those life-altering decisions.  Share your experience with us here, or on our Facebook page.

Have a great rest of the week!

Stop Working Like A Dog

Claudette Esterine

The topic was “Working Like A Dog,” and my intent was to connect that particular notion to the relationships that we enter.

Tempted as I am to say that I was working like a dog hence my not being able to write a post yesterday, I will not because truth be told, I have not worked like the proverbial dog in a long time. In fact, another truth is that personally, I have never seen a dog working!

As promised yesterday, today’s blog will cover this topic as well as today’s informal/indirect topic of being your own healer, medicine woman or even shaman.

In my lifetime, we have had about five (5) dogs: two mongrels that for the life of me I cannot remember their names, Murmar (a Doberman), Betty (my first and only full breed Shi-tzu), Angello ( a Pomeranian-Shi-tzu cross) and Marley (son of Angello).

Five or six dogs later, I am yet to see a dog working!

I have seen them sleep, play, eat, then sleep, play and eat some more. Yet, I think the thought behind the phrase does not escape me, however it is not one I endorse – not any longer.

Years ago a book entitled “Do What You Love And The Money Will Follow” was given to me. My sarcasm was no match to my then partner’s, yet I read it and had one of many light bulb moments. The book received mixed reviews, from the usual bunch of critical and disbelieving suspects to the so-called hippy, new age gang who believe in chanting “Om” all day.

A quote from that book by Marsha Sinetar changed any notion I had that it was my duty to work like a dog, to achieve my desires or to get or maintain any relationship.

“To find in ourselves, she said, “or what makes life worth living is risky business, for it means that once we know we must seek it.  It also means that without it, life will be valueless.”

Dogs know who and to whom they belong – and so do I. What I see dogs do is loving their human partners, or you might prefer saying owners, unconditionally – without losing their identities as dogs. That is what most of us do – once we are in any type of relationship.

I love her dearly, however, one of my Sistah-friends will tell you that no matter how hard she has tried to get me to dress a certain way or worse yet go clothes shopping with her – it has not happened and will not happen! I am Me.

To even contemplate living truly like a dog – loving unconditionally, playing gleefully, eating well and sleeping blissfully (not working like one) one must first find themselves. That means healing past hurts, taking the lessons they offered instead of covering them over with guilt, shame, platitudes or even pretense. Moving forward, it is even more important to adopt another dog attitude – “if you cannot eat it or play with it, then piss on it and move on!"

No one can do your inner work for you; no one can do your healing. You have to come to the point where you no longer have a need or desire to be anyone’s dog or doormat; ready to heal your life and allow what is yours to follow.

Read through our blog archives and you will most certainly find ample practical tips to start this healing journey, ways to stop “working like a dog” to fit anyone’s expectations and stories about how my co-authors and I stepped out on this journey to authentic living. As well, *Like* us on Facebook and receive updates as they are posted. 

Namaste.

Pray Without Ceasing...Audio Blog

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Transcript

Lawd, Jesus, help me, a beg yuh!

That was my cry for many years – until I learned better.

Without getting into my theological evolution or my current spiritual understanding, I know that such a ‘prayer’ is useless. Calling to Jesus, God, Jehovah, Jah even Buddha or Allah in the middle of a situation is vain, arrogant and pretentious in my view.

I remember during my residency as an hospital Chaplain how mad I would get at family members who never darkened a church once since their childhood but would page the on call Chaplain to come to their family member’s bedside at 2:00 in the morning!

God on call is what some people believe they have and while I believe that a Higher Being is available to us at all times, It simply is not sitting around waiting to be ordered about!

The other thing that I know for sure about prayers – they are always answered, however, you might not like the answer! That is so amusing to me. I laugh at myself very often on this. We all have the tendency to think that we can bawl out to Jesus or whomever with a laundry list and “it shall be so!”

Hell no! What comes to us, we attract to ourselves. I can see some of you cringing from that statement but I stand by it. The trajectory of my life has proven that to me and whether you want to believe or buy into it hardly concerns me.  My DOS family will tell you that the song that I sing to them very frequently is to “accept, embrace and then change,” what comes if it no longer serves you. I also know the importance of being clear about my intentions – those things that I hold in my heart, the residence of Spirit/Source, as from it flows the issues of my life. Whether I label those issues good or bad, they are mine!

Some biblical verses flow easily from my lips. One of them is 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 “Rejoice always, 17 pray without ceasing, 18 give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you.”

 

In other words, every thought, word and action is a prayer – so do take care what you are saying as that will be your life.

 

Is that you MO?

 

Share your thoughts with us.

Love Is...

Claudette Esterine

Love? What is it?

I really do not know.

Could it be that feeling that causes you to sacrifice everything you have worked hard for to the benefit of someone who everyone tells you is not worth it?

Or, is that stupidity?

Could it be that thing that you do for your children, such as staying up all day finishing their science project although your knowledge of anything beyond birds and bees is very narrow?

Or is that pride?

As I watched them wheel my newly born granddaughter off to the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit, something moved in the base of my belly – in my womb – and I had a near animalistic desire to be with my daughter who was lying recovering from the C-section. They would not allow me in and I felt as if I would kick the doors open and go in anyway.

Is that love?

In our Facebook Group, something floats, bobs and connects all 18 of us. Each of our hearts ache when one is going through a rough time with the boss, a child is acting up, a marriage is crumbling, there is not enough money to pay the bills, or when one is sick and on dying.

We openly rejoice and feel that same floaty, bobbing and connecting thingy when one of us gets a new job, a child or children passes the exams, a Sistah graduates from a University programme, or I have a successful date.

I am sure that is love too.

Love is who we are, what we do, where we will go, how we share and it is When we answer to God’s call.

My heart is somewhat heavy this evening for reasons, affecting my DOS family, that I prefer not to disclose at this point.

What I will say definitively is Love is All that – a verb, a noun, an adjective, a prefix, a suffix – it is every part of our speaking and doing. More than everything, Love is our being.

Have a Love-filled evening!

Namaste

The Three Blessings of Loss

Claudette Esterine

Have you ever ‘lost’ so much that you felt that there is nothing else for you to lose and this is it?

Well I have. Over and over again; and on one occasion almost eight years ago, I lost myself, temporarily.

Loss is one of those words that gives me trouble or gets me in trouble with others. How? Simply because I have come to learn that there really is no “loss” so to speak. Some of my friends do not understand that and feel I am either in denial or cold.

I am neither.

Life has knocked me over so many times – and I have gotten up and stronger. The lessons I learned from these KO’s have been some of the greatest ones – so why would I call them losses? Yes, relationships ended, money flew out the window, people walked away, loved ones showed their real intentions and on and on it goes.

In and through all of this, I gained:

1. A sense of self beyond imagination
2. Strength to grow through just about any ‘adversity’
3. Wisdom to know and do better

The greatest insight, however, that I have gained from my KO’s is vulnerability! 

Shame is not something that stymies me. I will cry, laugh, wet my pants wherever, whenever and for whatever reason that I feel moved to so do!

“What happens when people open their hearts?"...
"They get better.”  Haruki Murakami, Norwegian Wood

Through all of my adversities, my heart has opened more widely. With each crack, more light has entered and brightened my soul. Does that mean nothing is hard or challenging for me? If that is what you think, you would be very wrong. Only today, for example, tears flowed as I discussed my granddaughter and one woman’s coldness towards me as others chose to share in the immense joy that this little girl has brought into my life.

Do I let such people or situations cause me to give up? No. Those of us who have had bouts with clinical depression and even have attempted or contemplated suicide live every day the “visitations” of this very “friendly” condition. Depression is an insidious dis-ease and visitor who hates to leave.

In my own experience, whenever challenged by persons and/or situations such as uncaring or insensitive people, I turn into – you guessed it – Me. If possible, I go to a mirror and do my work. I talk to myself, reminding the strong black woman looking back at me of who and Whose I really am.

Life goes on – whether I chose to stay on the ride; and a ride it is indeed.

What about you? Have you ever felt like giving up? To whom do you turn for support? Please know we are always here to listen and direct you to local supports.

Do have a great evening!