The Dating Game: Are You A Player?

Sixteen years in a relationship had left me completely out of practice for the dating game.

Sixteen months and twenty days, I was not really counting but it felt this long, after my longtime partner had walked out my daughter and gay friend in New York insisted that I joined the game.

"When did dating become a contact sport?" I asked. My smart-mouth 19 year old daughter's response, "While you were aging!" She was right.

The seeds were sown for that response in 2006 at my 41st birthday party, hosted by my partner and largely catered by the woman who was partly responsible for me now getting dating advice from a teenager and a gay PhD holder in New York, NY.

This was to have been the 'best years of my life' but it had fast turned into a nightmare.

"The bar scene is not for you, Claudette," Peter confirmed in one of our nightly pep talks. No one had to tell me that the church BBQ was not my scene either! The chickens would have resurrected and jumped off those grills had I shown up at any such religious event. Scarlett was my name and red was my emotion - angry and bitter!

My self-appointed dating expert, Abi, sat me down and gave me the in's and out's of online dating. Aside from her not wanting me going to the clubs with her (how embarrassing it would be when they carded me and not her ~ lol) she knew that:

• A half glass of wine and I would be tipsy and ready to leave within an hour
• Loud music gives me a headache 
• Loud people gives me a headache and an upset stomach 
• One hour is not enough to find the next love of my life 

Any two of these 'issues' rule out clubbing as your playing field. So my daughter introduced me to PlentyofFish. Frankly, a more appropriate name would have been plenty of creeps, vultures, vampires or any blood sucking creature!

On my own, after a week or so of plenty of nausea, I signed up for EHarmony and LavaLife. The prospects were not much better except that they had more professional looking photographs and profiles.

Admittedly bored, coming out of a state of chronic depression and my self-esteem severely battered, I followed my teenager's and gay friend's "Top Three Advice:" for dating sites and adult dating:

1. Meet as quickly as possible if there is any sense of connection. This way, you either confirm or dispel the connection. 
2. Have an exit strategy if "dispel the illusion" is the viable option.  
3. Check their "papers or credentials" and do not rush into exclusivity. 

Being the good student that I am, meeting places for me was always a Chapter's book store or Tim Horton's. Both places sold my favourite thing in life - coffee and, books have always been an escape for me. I could always hide in a strategic corner with my nose in a book and carry out surveillance as my "date" enters.

Yes, I had to exercise that exit strategy once. On another occasion, my job as a hospital chaplain and my girlfriend Ann, led me out. Come on, who wants to be dating a middle aged guy who had clearly not only posted his first year university picture but was at least six inches shorter than me AND used a credit card to purchase a $2 milk? Well he tried but it was declined.

Ann called within 10 minutes of the date and I was out of there within 11 minutes of the date, allegedly on my way to a dying patient's bedside. Forgive me Father, I couldn't think of another excuse fast enough.

Overall, I did well on #3 and as such ruled out visa seekers, wife beaters, and scam artists for the most part. Was not so lucky with the serial daters whose jobs and stability in other areas checked out. Such is life and anyhow, with those I saw some really good movies, ate in a few nice restaurants in Edmonton, took a trip to Banff, Alberta and stayed a couple nights in a really swank hotel.

Ready to give up on internet dating, I took down my profile from all the previously mentioned online dating sites. Ironically, soon after I flirted with, rushed into exclusivity and married a guy I met on Zoosk!!! That is a story for another blog.

What is your worst and best dating story? Have you ever tried online dating? How was it or would you? Leave a comment here, as well *Like* our Facebook page and follow us on Twitter.

Continue to have a great day! Namaste

Photo Sources:
news.mmogamesite.com
datingandlov.blogspot.com

When Purpose Meets Destiny: Are You Ready?

Guest Author - Clara Brown

"Unless you assume a God, the question of life’s purpose is meaningless “– Bertrand Russell

Over 40 years ago, my now deceased brother was viciously attacked in the line of duty as a police Officer.  

At the time of the attack, he was only 23 years old, newly wed, a young and upcoming star in the Jamaica Constabulary Force (JCF) and one of the most proficient marksmen.  

Was it destiny then that the attack resulted in him loosing both upper limbs? His highly regarded talent as a marksman was suddenly altered or, shall I say, brought to an abrupt end. 

Was it Destiny or a redefinition of his purpose?

I can vividly recall a day when one of his colleagues came to visit him, Ivan, at the hospital.  Preparing to leave, the colleague's parting shot was, “IC (as he was called by most), this is your destiny. Every ‘dog’ have his day."

Shortly after, we got news that the same colleague was hit from his service motor cycle as he left the hospital. He died the same night. – Did he meet with his destiny or was his purpose served?

What happens when purpose and destiny meet?

My brother Ivan recovered sufficiently from his injuries and with the help of prosthetic limbs, went on to live for thirty-three more years. The ‘rest of life’ for him was one of sterling living...purpose-filled, touching many lives in the 72 countries he visited giving his testimony. He preached hundreds of sermons, walked with Kings and Princes and received numerous “Key to the City”- all while maintaining his humility.

“The purpose of your life is far greater than your own personal fulfilment, your peace of mind, or even your happiness.  It’s far greater than your family, your career, or even your wildest dreams and ambitions” – Rick Warren- A Purpose Driven Life

I had two children, both boys. My second son was born two and a half years after my first born - Jared. My desire and plan was always to have not more than two children.  After getting pregnant with Justin, I discussed with my lovable OBGYN my decision to do the procedure to prevent further pregnancies.  

Justin was born via C-section on June 4, 2005 at 8:00 a.m. I woke up shortly after surgery and the mid-wife placed the beautiful six-pounder in my waiting arms. I checked and noticed that he looked exactly as Jared did when he was born. 

Twenty four hours later, we were landed a four-squared blow to our joy-filled guts. 

Justin had a malformed heart chamber. 

What? Cannot be! I had a next–to-perfect nine months of pregnancy, took my vitamins, made all my doctor’s appointments without even an hour off target, ate properly, maintained a spirit-filled-with-pleasant vibes attitude and prayed for a healthy pregnancy! I did everything right!

So, what was at play here? Destiny or purpose?   

Details aside, suffice it to say we pulled every stop, put the machinery in place to 'fix' Justin’s problems. Yet, after three weeks in the Children’s Hospital, Justin went back to His Maker.

The lessons imparted from his birth to his transition are many and some still inexplicable.  My conclusion is that no other experience can match those lessons learnt through the death of a child. Not in this life or the next. I feel Justin came, fulfilled his purpose, did his job and moved on. Destiny intertwined with purpose.

Destiny in my mind is your ultimate call, whereas purpose is your present call.  My belief is that destiny is predetermined by God. The parameters were set by Him before you were born. Purpose, in my opinion, is whatever you are called to do right now, in this very moment.  

I recognize that there is something inside of me and you that has not been unlocked – that must be destiny inside of us that we do not even know about. We often hear the saying “God holds our future (destiny) in His Hands," meaning our destiny is in His Hands waiting to be released or unlocked in His own time.

Purpose is right now. It therefore means that purpose is “temporary," ever changing but always promoting or pre-empting destiny.  What you are doing right now (fulfilling a purpose) may only be for a specific time because God is leading you to your destiny. 

The questions in my mind then, to you and to myself are: "When purpose meets destiny, are you ready?" "Are you leading a purpose-filled life?"

Share your response and/or thoughts with us here in our comment section or visit and comment on our Facebook page. We invite you to follow us on Twitter as well. 

Have a purpose-filled day!

Clara Brown is a Member of Daughters of Sheba Facebook Group. She is an Insurance Executive and lives and works in Kingston, Jamaica with her family.



Photo source: shavononpurpose.blogpress.com

DOS Weekly Is Out! Featured Story - Hillary Rodham Clinton

In this the ninth edition of our Weekly, as always are stories for every woman! Our featured story this week is of woman who continues to make history in United States of America’s politics – #HillaryRodhamClinton. Like her or not, Hillary is a power-filled woman who might yet prove that he can handle the toughest job in the world - President of the United States of America.

We also highlight stories and reports on the status of women in our world, in the home, workplace, in science, medically and economically. Read here.

Thank you for your continued support of DOS and DOS Weekly! Stay connect with us through Facebook and on Twitter over the rest of the weekend!  Namaste

In Search Of My Father In All The Wrong Places

She was married, twice at least as far as I know, however you may as well say my mother was a single parent.

According to her story, it was my paternal grandmother's 'fault' why she had to leave my father. I have had neither the interest nor opportunity to check the veracity of that story. All I knew was that my father was a mysterious, alcohol-loving man who I saw less times in my life than the number of fingers on my hands.

When I turned two or just before, my mother would marry for the first time. This husband was  a presence in my life until I turned 14 or thereabouts and we had a cordial relationship but never warm enough for me to call him anything but "Mr. H..... ."

There was a second husband but by then I was well into my 20's and living in the former Soviet Union. My mother had met him through, and this is weird, my boyfriend. He was in fact my boyfriend's older brother and interestingly enough, my mother was a few years older than him. I can hear my friends saying as they read this, "Cougarism runs in your blood, Claudette!"

That was about all I got from my father actually - blood. Well, I got his name for what that is worth. 

If you asked my mother she would insist that she was the innocent 'victim' in their failed relationship. You cannot ask my father as he died from the complications of diabetes and, in my opinion, alcoholism in the early 1980's. The 10th, if that many, time I saw him was lying in his coffin.

Strength, tenacity and drive are the lessons passed on to me in the single parent home where I was raised. My 'stepfather', I was told, did not really care for me. He tolerated me. That much I could feel. Sometimes he would bring home a candy or a token from his frequent road trips. He never brought home love nor affection.

My mother's strength as a woman was very vivid. She would do whatever it took to keep a roof over our heads. Whatever. She was tenacious and sure as hell she was driven. The problem was the "whatever" included turning a blind eye or offering me as 'sacrifice'. Her tenacity and drive were too often heading down a road that led us deeper and deeper in poverty consciousness.

Unfortunately, this story, my story of being basically raised by a single parent is not unfamiliar to many, too many I might add. It was with great difficulty that I read the book, "Precious," and later went to the movie for even further punishment.

My journey as an only child, raised by a virtually single parent, was too much on that screen!

There are many children today being raised by single parents around the world. In the United States, there are over 13 million according to 2011 statistics.  In Canada, 15.9% of all families in 2006 were lone-parent families, i e. "one out of four Canadian families with children.

My formative years and most of my childhood were spent in a single parent home in Jamaica, where in 2011 it was reported: "About 45 per cent of all Jamaican households are female headed. Female-headed households, according to 2002 data from the Planning Institute of Jamaica, also have a larger number of children and adult females, but have a lower per capita consumption than those headed by males."

This same article in the Jamaica Gleaner stated that one sociologist, Sara McLanahan, reported that "children from father-absent homes manifest a number of internalising and externalising problem behaviours, including sadness and depression, delinquency, aggression, sex role difficulties, early initiation of sexual activity and teen pregnancy, as well as poor social and adaptive functioning and low self-esteem."

So she was strong, tenacious and driven, my mother, but I was riddled by and plagued and scarred with several of these issues reportedly among children of absentee parents.

Disclaimer: Not all children from single parent households present with such issues NOR are all children from two-parent households automatically "immune" from them.

For a while I too raised my child as a single parent. What that experience taught me was the true strength, drive and tenacity that any such parent must have. Those qualities are grounded in Love, respect and high regard of self first and foremost, child(ren) and community.

Those single parents today who have been or are grounding themselves in these principles, in my opinion, stand ahead of any two-parent dysfunctional family.

Counting you as one of those life-enhancing and nurturing single parent. Should you want to share your story with me, submit a comment here, on our Facebook page or follow us on Twitter.

Enjoy the rest of #SPD if you are one. If not, still enjoy! Namaste

Who Or What's To Stop Me? Nothing!

Resiliency is defined best by examples rather than words. Your act of resiliency is different from mine but both are marks of people who have the ability to get up from rock bottom and start all over - stronger!

Children they say are resilient and I agree. However, no one is more resilient to me than:

• The lifer
• The rape survivor
• The homeless person
• The one who loves over and over again

The awakening is the mark of the resilient.

Listen to this audio blog for more!

I Did Not Create That! Or Did I?

"You must be flipping kidding me?! I would not have done or wanted that!"

My head spun, just as yours did the first time you read or had someone tell you that "you create your own reality."

It was simply too much for me to wrap my head around. Why would I have created:
1. Childhood sexual abuse?
2. Parental abuse?
3. Spousal Abuse?

Did not make sense then and even now, almost 15 years after hearing this and embarking on a journey to understand it, some days I am still a bit wobbly.

Case in point: Here I am, minding my own business (or so I think), traveled from Canada to Jamaica on a journey to the "what's next" of my life. Things are overall going as I anticipated in terms of my feeling of well being. Then, boom...this person, seemingly insignificant to my journey, merely a passerby, takes a strong disliking to me.

What the hell?! "Exactly what is your problem," is what I want to ask her but held back. When she is "passing through," I do my best to ignore her presence. For some reason, she refuses to reciprocate!

In Jamaica we have a saying that a person "a dash word fi you." That basically means they say things as you pass by, not necessarily nice things and most definitely not directly to your face. Their attitude, tone, snide laughter and body language convey clearly, however, that their words are all for you.

All along I either willed myself to ignore or avoid her, limiting as far as possible my need to interact. "This woman is delusional, bitter and unclear as to how she got to where she is and hence projecting her self-hate on me!" 

That was my diagnosis of the case and that ought to have closed the matter.

So why then am I blogging about it? 

I called this experience, not necessarily the person! And why? To heal it. This perspective has been itching at me, inviting me to look within, for about two months now but I kept looking at her rudeness, aggression, disrespectful behavior and attitude. Did that change anything? Yes, it increased!

Science, quantum physics in particular, as well as spiritual masters have been telling us this:

"The more you focus on something, the bigger it gets!"

It would take a couple more blog posts for me to detail how my focus has increased so many wanted and unwanted experiences, situations, etc in my life. I probably will over time.

Today, as this theme came to me: "You Create Your Reality," this latest 'teacher', because she is one, came with her attitude tun' up!

What did I do?

Nothing but took my attention away from her.  Instead, I 'pivoted' and used music to tune elsewhere - to love that is within me.

The result? Within a couple of hours of her appearance, my long distance partner called. We had not been able to speak in 24 hours, which is equivalent to eternity for us. He and I had one of the most delicious conversations ever, intensely passionate and creative, planning and claiming how we want the next few months to unfold. All thoughts of anything and anyone else nonexistent.

My nemesis has faded away. What about yours? Are you allowing your eyes to create your reality or are your ears listening to the naysayers? How about giving your heart a chance instead? Remember, that is where the issues of life flow.

Need help? Leave us a comment here or on Facebook. You can also follow us on Twitter.

Continue to have an heart-filled day instead of your having your eyes glued to the world's reality!

Namaste

Photo Sources:
jamesdazouloute.net
vickidellojoio.com

I'm Having Your Baby And Then?

I was a very proud (and what seemed to be life-long) career woman who waited until her early 30's to marry the love of her life.  I also waited quite a while after that to try to conceive a child.

In fact, our Dear Son (DS) was conceived during the final month of the two year conception time frame I created for my Dear Husband (DH) and I.  Seriously, two years is a quite long time to limit my weekend indulgence of red wine with dinner!

Not to mention that I could no longer take my daily migraine maintenance medication nor anything stronger than an OTC pain reliever to abate my chronic migraines while trying to conceive. I surely was not going to continue taking those ridiculously large prenatal vitamins for any longer than necessary.  And hey, I was getting OLD! (Did we queue the violins yet ~ if not, they are long overdue).

Well, my clock ran out.  

Just as luck would have it, the same evening my DH and I planned a fun-filled night of wining and dining with friends (LOOONNNNGGG overdue for me), the thought came to me: "You might be pregnant."

Tried to tell myself to stop the nonsense but, of course, my obstinate mind refused to heed the warning. I drove to the store and purchased an Early Pregnancy Test (EPT). The result: Positive.  

Certain it was an inaccurate reading, statistics have proven that many EPT's are, back to the store I went. This trip, to make certain doubly sure, I purchased one…no - two…okay - three  more tests. Results: all positive.  

There went my wining and dining! 

Well it may have turned into just a wee bit of “whining” and yummy dining, as everyone else enjoyed my coveted red wine with their meals. Secretly, I was feeling gleeful that a baby was on the way.  

Nine months later, my little bundle of joy, DS, arrived.  Eight weeks later, my little bundle of joy went to daycare full time, after all, I was a lifelong career woman – and as luck would have it, my job was a GOOD one that I really enjoyed!

Almost two years later, DH and I noticed that DS was experiencing delays in speech and cognitive development.  We immediately took him to a plethora of professionals for evaluation; only to find out he was too young to be accurately evaluated.  However, one thing DH and I knew - DS needed help.  If no one else was going to do it, we certainly were.  

Who better than me? After all, I did have experience from working for Head Start and in facilitating and placing foster children. So yes, I should stay home and help our DS! 

Wait?  I should do what??  Give up my career?  

I have to admit that was one of my thoughts, albeit a fleeting one.  And yet another thought came to me – and this time I listened as it calmly yet persistently said, “This is the best job of your life.  This is truly the opportunity of a lifetime, utilizing your experience to help your DS, your bundle of joy, the light of your life."   

Consequently, I jumped right in.  And that decision proved to be the most rewarding one of my life.   My best job ever!!!  And when I see the vast improvement our DS is making, it brings more tears of joy to my heart than I have ever known.  

Do I get jealous when my DH talks about his many accomplishments at work?  Yes!  I am sincerely happy for him but I am surely jealous. Do I get lonely when I hear of my friends going out for after dinner drinks? Yes!  I think the fact that they have a chance to unwind is imperative and should also be enjoyable but, I am certainly lonely.

Do I want to pull my hair out when my DS acts up hourly while I am still struggling with my chronic daily migraines?  YES! YES!  YES!  I scream (quite loudly) into my pillow.

BUT...

I absolutely love my little family with all of my heart and feel truly blessed and very proud of ME to be able to help us all in this way! 

Yes, I had your baby, stayed home and I am very happy.

What about you? Are you a stay-at-home mother? Share your story with us here, on our Facebook page or on Twitter. 


Karen Jeanette is a member of the DOS Facebook Group and lives in Arizona, USA with her beautiful family. She will be a regular Guest Author on our blog.