Five Essentials To An Enjoyable Relationship

Some loved me, others detested me but one thing for sure, it was hard to ignore me. I take no great pride in the fact that I speak my mind. What pleases me, however, is that over the years my ability to temper my words have heightened.

Source: pinterest.com

Back then, in my university years at a Catholic educational institution, whatever my opinion was I had no qualms about sharing them. One such opinion that I often repeated was that I would never, ever confess to any of the "boys" in my class.

First of all, I had nothing to confess. Secondly, even if I did, I was sure none of those virginal-seminarians could handle my stories. It was and remains my firm belief that one has to walk the path to tell or hear the tale.

If I needed advice on sex and how to pleasure a partner, frankly I would be consulting a porn-star.

My last and final wedding

Being true to that belief, if you need advice on having a successful marriage or long term relationship, I am not the person to consult. Married several times for as many differing reasons but never truly for love - I have no idea what it means to be in such a union. My longest relationship lasted 16 years and my ex dumped me soon after my thoughts went to finally legalizing our coupling.

I am no relationship expert by any stretch of the imagination. What I am, however, is a woman with a past that might shed some light on how to be in the most perfect love. Having been engulfed by feelings for another that is usually called love, I have learned that that really is not the heart of a great relationship.

What do I mean? Well, I have observed women of various socioeconomic backgrounds turning themselves into acrobats both in and out of the bedroom for the sake of their partners. I watch in utter amusement as these woman cook, clean, care for their babies and try to convince their men to love them.

It is painful to watch. Pitiful even. 

My first experience of this was with my mother. In her own rights, she was a strong woman but all that strength would be left at the gate of our rented house as she hurried in to make and serve dinner to her cheating husband. He would be given the prime cuts or most of whatever meat she could afford to purchase. Dishes he would never clear from the table nor would he do laundry.

Source: pinterest.com

My mother and many women that I watched - and still see to this day - behave as if the survival of the relationship rested on their shoulders. The men were never "taught" by these women how to treat them respectfully, equally or lovingly.

They were engulfed by the burden of a one-sided love.

This is not to demean or dismiss the woman who serves her family in a tender, nurturing and life-enhancing kind of way. What I am referring to her are the situations when the relationship is more of an albatross, pulling the woman down and sucking (usually slowly) the life out of her.

That was never my experience, granted I never stayed long enough to allow that to happen. Once the nonsense began, as I prefer to call the inequalities of the relationships described earlier, I am out of there. Come hell or high water, I am not being sucked or dragged in or down.

Despite the bitter end of my longest relationship, I enjoyed what we had. It actually has been the standard that no other "involvement" that I have had to date has matched. In my non-expert opinion, you can honestly say that you enjoy your relationship, in spite of any challenges you face as a couple, when:

1. You continue to grow spiritually together
2. Shared interests bring delight but individual interests bring spice
3. You support each others dreams but can share your honest opinions about possible pitfalls
4. Extended family remains important but your time together is paramount
5. Sex forms the physical expression of your spiritual connection

Obviously I missed the mark on at least one of these key elements of an enjoyable relationship. Feel free to ask me which! Lol. Leave your question and comments here or visit my coaching page where many other tips and stories on this and other topics are shared.

Namaste,

Claudette

What's Stopping You? Question #30

The second to last question in our October series and it is: “What is stopping you?”

Nothing really stops me. Basically, I am exactly where I want and need to be.

There are days or even moments when I am paused – and what causes that is usually my thinking pattern. For the most part, I have cleaned up and eliminated those thoughts that have paralyzed me in the past.

What pauses me sometimes – not often – are thoughts related to whether there can ever be another “big” relationship in my life. By that I mean intimate.

Yet, that does not “stop” me per se from having great connections with others. I date; granted most do not go beyond two for various reasons. I remember having a conversation with my last “big” relationship mate regarding if we should break up. We both blurted out almost simultaneously and word for word that there will not be another “big” one but a series of “meetings, greetings and moving right along.” I have watched and heard about his progression and he has been true to his word.

I have meet, greeted and said “thanks but no thanks,” for various reasons with the bottom-line being my not being willing to compromise Me in any shape or form just be in an intimate relationship.

So, answering to Question #30 – what’s stopping me is my having given more than I had to others and not willing to be tapped out again. End of.

What about you? Are you “stopped,” somewhere in your life? Where? Why?

Share with us here as we wrap up this series tomorrow. We do not posts articles on Fridays so please check our Facebook page for the finale!

Namaste.

Advice To Singles: How To Find Your Soulmate

Claudette Esterine

Being single, at any age, can be challenging. Yet, personally, I would not compromise my single status merely to settle for just any relationship.

It is 18+ months now since my second soulmate dumped me via a voicemail. Almost eight years since my first walked out on someone else's arm.

At my age, the likelihood of a third is very uncertain. Singledom seems to be where I will reign, at least for the foreseeable future. That does not have to be the case for you neither do you have to send out a search party for your soulmate. I never did and still got lucky and found two.

The chances of me baring the darkest recesses of my soul, opening any closet of childhood pain-filled memories or painting murals of my dreams with another soul are highly improbable. Why? Have I grown so cynical of love, men and/or intimate relationships?

No. The opposite is true. 

In my 40+ years, I have had, let us just say, a few intimate relationship with several culminating in marriages and cohabitation.  Only two, however, turned me inside out and upside down; squeezing the poison of self-hatred out of me and planting me firmly on the ground of self-knowledge.

Both relationships ended or endured through high drama and, if I were so inclined, would be great scripts for Hollywood blockbusters. Their value to me, the life lessons they taught, is much higher than the money. Honestly, I write trying to maintain a straight face.

“That's what learning is, after all; not whether we lose the game, but how we lose and how we've changed because of it and what we take away from it that we never had before, to apply to other games. Losing, in a curious way, is winning.” Richard Bach

They changed me. My two soulmates changed me in ways that no other ever had. Both cracked me wide open to Love even as they exited my life. Probably more so because they left me.

Ten years later and I am a better woman, mother, lover and human being because these two souls held up mirrors to me that revealed almost every spot on my being.

Some believe that soulmates are once in a lifetime occurrences. Obviously I do not subscribe to that view. My question is whether three times will be a charm for me?

My suggestion to those who are seeking, searching or maybe prowling for their soulmate is: STOP!

Image: fineartamerica.com

A soulmate is, quoting Richard Bach again, "someone who has locks that fit our keys, and keys to fit our locks. When we feel safe enough to open the locks, our truest selves step out and we can be completely and honestly who we are; we can be loved for who we are and not for who we're pretending to be. Each unveils the best part of the other. No matter what else goes wrong around us, with that one person we are safe in our own paradise. Our soulmate is the one who makes life come to life."

We are evolving beings, nothing remains static - not our bodies and worse yet not our experiences or emotions. As we change, the soulmate who played with us in one particular garden may not be the one to walk with us into the open fields.

That was the hardest lessons of all for me when my playmate of 16 years had to go. Accepting that people, even soulmates, do come into your life for "a reason, a season or a lifetime," came after months of crying, suicide attempts and clinical depression.

When it was time for the second to leave, the parting was in fact surgical, clear cut and with love.

Am I anticipating a third soulmate? No. I have become, and this is what I am suggesting to you, a better love-smith.

My days and nights are now spent embracing the love that is now able to flow freely to, in and through the cracks left by my two loves. I clean my heart (lock) daily, sometimes minutely greasing it with feelings of self-love and appreciation. Friends and my daughter, in many instances even strangers, get to bask in the light emanating through those holes. They also experience my easy expression of love and adoration (key).

Should another partner arrive, one who respects, embraces and cherishes all that I have become then that person will receive in turn respect, love and loyalty beyond measure - my lock and my key.

Wonderfully wounded is how I now describe myself. Huge is my gratitude to my soulmates - J. Mc and I. F.

What about you? Have you been cracked open by love so great that you cannot help but being love? Can you call off your hunt, grease and maintain your lock and key and allow your next soulmate to come?

Share your story with us here or on our Facebook page. Enjoy the rest of this soul-filled day!

Claudette is the Founder of DOS Foundation and the Editor of our blog. She is a Jamaican-Canadian who lives in both countries. Single and a free spirit, Claudette is a communications and management professional as well as a Nature's Pearl Independent Distributor.

Young People Don't See Women Automatically As Human Beings - DOS Weekly

Read here

“Young People Don't See Women Automatically As Human Beings,” says political writer and analyst Zerlina Maxwell. 

Her story headlines this the eleventh edition of our Weekly and as always our stories are carefully selected to meet the interest of women all over! 

Some of the stories this week focus on women’ health: “Thyroid Symptoms in Women” and wellbeing: “Simple Ways To Feel Happier Today.” 

We thank you for your continued support and again invite you to subscribe to DOS Weekly and get notification once the paper is hot off the keyboard. 

 For the rest of the weekend, connect with us our through our Facebook page or follow on Twitter!  

I'm Having Your Baby And Then?

I was a very proud (and what seemed to be life-long) career woman who waited until her early 30's to marry the love of her life.  I also waited quite a while after that to try to conceive a child.

In fact, our Dear Son (DS) was conceived during the final month of the two year conception time frame I created for my Dear Husband (DH) and I.  Seriously, two years is a quite long time to limit my weekend indulgence of red wine with dinner!

Not to mention that I could no longer take my daily migraine maintenance medication nor anything stronger than an OTC pain reliever to abate my chronic migraines while trying to conceive. I surely was not going to continue taking those ridiculously large prenatal vitamins for any longer than necessary.  And hey, I was getting OLD! (Did we queue the violins yet ~ if not, they are long overdue).

Well, my clock ran out.  

Just as luck would have it, the same evening my DH and I planned a fun-filled night of wining and dining with friends (LOOONNNNGGG overdue for me), the thought came to me: "You might be pregnant."

Tried to tell myself to stop the nonsense but, of course, my obstinate mind refused to heed the warning. I drove to the store and purchased an Early Pregnancy Test (EPT). The result: Positive.  

Certain it was an inaccurate reading, statistics have proven that many EPT's are, back to the store I went. This trip, to make certain doubly sure, I purchased one…no - two…okay - three  more tests. Results: all positive.  

There went my wining and dining! 

Well it may have turned into just a wee bit of “whining” and yummy dining, as everyone else enjoyed my coveted red wine with their meals. Secretly, I was feeling gleeful that a baby was on the way.  

Nine months later, my little bundle of joy, DS, arrived.  Eight weeks later, my little bundle of joy went to daycare full time, after all, I was a lifelong career woman – and as luck would have it, my job was a GOOD one that I really enjoyed!

Almost two years later, DH and I noticed that DS was experiencing delays in speech and cognitive development.  We immediately took him to a plethora of professionals for evaluation; only to find out he was too young to be accurately evaluated.  However, one thing DH and I knew - DS needed help.  If no one else was going to do it, we certainly were.  

Who better than me? After all, I did have experience from working for Head Start and in facilitating and placing foster children. So yes, I should stay home and help our DS! 

Wait?  I should do what??  Give up my career?  

I have to admit that was one of my thoughts, albeit a fleeting one.  And yet another thought came to me – and this time I listened as it calmly yet persistently said, “This is the best job of your life.  This is truly the opportunity of a lifetime, utilizing your experience to help your DS, your bundle of joy, the light of your life."   

Consequently, I jumped right in.  And that decision proved to be the most rewarding one of my life.   My best job ever!!!  And when I see the vast improvement our DS is making, it brings more tears of joy to my heart than I have ever known.  

Do I get jealous when my DH talks about his many accomplishments at work?  Yes!  I am sincerely happy for him but I am surely jealous. Do I get lonely when I hear of my friends going out for after dinner drinks? Yes!  I think the fact that they have a chance to unwind is imperative and should also be enjoyable but, I am certainly lonely.

Do I want to pull my hair out when my DS acts up hourly while I am still struggling with my chronic daily migraines?  YES! YES!  YES!  I scream (quite loudly) into my pillow.

BUT...

I absolutely love my little family with all of my heart and feel truly blessed and very proud of ME to be able to help us all in this way! 

Yes, I had your baby, stayed home and I am very happy.

What about you? Are you a stay-at-home mother? Share your story with us here, on our Facebook page or on Twitter. 


Karen Jeanette is a member of the DOS Facebook Group and lives in Arizona, USA with her beautiful family. She will be a regular Guest Author on our blog.

Relationship Faltering? Do Nothing!

There was this post on Facebook that I found so hilarious. It recommended that the developers of the social media network needed to create a new relationship status.

"Unstable" was the suggested status and it was for those people who changed theirs at least three times since joining Facebook. I found it so humorous as I was such a person, having changed from "In a relationship," to "Single," and, at the time of reading the post, had only recently changed from "Married," to "Separated!"

My God, I was looking really "Unstable!" 

The 'good news' is that I was not alone. Misery loves company and there was a 'draw down' crowd on my friends list.

We find who we really are in and through relationships. Humans are social beings; we were created to relate - with other humans, other creatures, nature, etc. We are relational and it is through and in our social interactions, we learn how to "be."

Sadly and too frequently, we miss that this - the essence of our relationships, particularly the intimate ones. We "fall in love," and knock all the senses from our heads! No wonder some describe the feeling as one of dizziness.

A relationship based solely on the physicalities of attraction, be that looks (beauty or handsomeness), sexual appeal, seeming wealth (car, house, etc) and/or actual or perceived income (job, job title, etc) will sooner or later lose its luster. Longer lasting relationships are the ones that are grounded in friendship, a deep seated liking of each other. The presence of any or all of the physical points of attraction is a bonus or add-on.

An early indicator to my ex that our relationship was faltering after 10 years was a very simple thing. "You no longer greet me at the door, there is no good evening, no smile, nothing," I was told. Hard as it was for me to hear that, even more difficult to accept, it was true. The intimacy was dying in the financial hell hole we were sliding down. Our relationship was staggering along and it was only our genuine "like" of each other that kept us going. We lasted for another six years. How?

For one, I did nothing. 

Throughout our relationship and up to that point, I was the "go to" person in our "coupledom." Whatever was to be done, where we would vacation, what's for dinner - every decision, big or small was made by me. At first, I rejected the suggestion that I had anything to do with the faltering state of affairs in our home. "I am doing everything, for crying out loud!" 

Therein laid the problem. I was so caught up being Miss Fixer & Chief Decider Of Everything, that there was no room for anyone else to be who they were - at least nowhere near a full expression of themselves. After much soul searching and a few sessions with Dr. Ruth (honestly, we went to couples counselling with a psychologist by that name), I backed off.

Chief Decider was demoted to Asker & Accepter of Others' Opinions/Desires. Some other practical 'nothings' that were implemented included:

• Spent more time alone, allowing my partner time to pursue personal interests alone 
• Stopped cooking every day, had more family outings where we just talked
• Ceased looking for faults and simply appreciated whatever presented itself
• Reduced my talking and upped my listening 
• Resigned as superwoman 

Our relationship lasted another six years, surviving many a challenges including the death of a beloved parent, further financial upheaval and migration to Canada. While I am not attributing its longevity solely to my doing 'nothing', it certainly helped to change the tone.

In the end, after 16 years the relationship ran its natural course. That perspective was not easily arrived at, yet it is the most accurate. I now and have for some time believe in "spiritual partnerships," wherein you are in relationship to support each other's growth. When that is no longer the case, when growing has completely ceased and stagnation set in, it's time to move on.

“Relationships are like glass. Sometimes it’s better to leave them broken than to hurt yourself putting it back together.” -Anonymous 

So, is your relationship faltering? Yes? Why not try a few "nothings?"

Should you like to share your experiences on this or any other topic, please feel free to message me here, or on Facebook. You can follow and contact me on Twitter as well @DOSFoundation.

Blessings until tomorrow. Namaste

Photo Source: savethislove.com