Discipline Vs. Punishment: Why Spanking May Not Work

Clara Brown

"Whoever spares the rod hates his son, but he who loves him is diligent to discipline him." Proverb 13:24 (ESV)

Most of us over 40 years old grew up in an era where 'spoiling the child' was never an option. In my neck of the woods, Gibraltar in the parish St. Ann, Jamaica, as long as you were an adult in our small community, you were mandated to discipline any child who may have done 'wrong'. This was the expectation of all persons in authority, particularly teachers.

It was commonplace to hear a parent/guardian telling the teacher to spank a child, "Just save the eyes."  Corporal punishment was the norm in the educational system; an integral part of the disciplinary programme in all schools.  In fact, the canes used for this purpose were sold in the book stores.

Image: thenationalstudent.com

In addition to distributing the chalk/crayons and books, each teacher received a cane with their standard supplies.  I vividly recall there was a particular male teacher who would utilize at least two to three canes in any given school year.

Today, that teacher would be charged with child abuse or some other offence.

Spanking and in the more extreme cases, beating of children extends to the home. Sometimes, parents spank their children out of desperation. When the kids frequently misbehave, parents may feel they are at the end of their ropes and are not sure what else to do. Often you will hear the cry, "Nothing else seems to work." Parents also resort to spanking when exasperation sets in and it becomes the first line of defense, with the parent reacting out of anger or fear. This serves neither the child nor the parent.

As a parent, I seldom discipline my child by spanking him. I try other methods and so far they been effective. However, on the rare occasion when I am forced to spank my son, I never do so out of anger.  It is a running joke in my household that when I make a 'promise to spank/smack, more often than not, it never happens or I forget why I contemplated it in the first place!

Image: teara.govt.nz

Researchers have found that children who are spanked show higher rates of aggression and delinquency in childhood than those who were not. As adults, they are more prone to depression, feelings of alienation, use of violence toward a spouse and lower economic and professional achievement.  Surely, none of this is what we want for our children.

"If we are ever to turn toward a kindlier society and a safe world, a revulsion against the physical punishment of children would be a good place to start." Dr.Benjamin Spock

Caning or spanking in schools is outlawed in most jurisdictions, as I know it. What led to this I am not sure but it was necessary move.  I believe that school is a place to learn not to be hit. Spanking chidren will not cause better behaviour and greater respect for teachers.  In my view, the opposite is true. Caning in schools only causes fear and disencourage full participation, possibly encouraging absenteeism.

Image: associationofcatholicwomenbloggers.blogspot.com

My aim is not to promote indiscipline in schools or even in homes. It is important, however,  to make a distinction between punishment and discipline.  The goal of discipline ought to be teaching children skills geared towards proper socialization. Spanking does not provide the child with any such social skills and is merely punitive.

The next time you are faced with a challenging, even difficult, child, pause to consider what intervention best serves your purpose. Are you disciplining or punishing? What is the pay off of your choice? Would your child have gained any better social skills from your intervention?

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Clara is a member of DOS, a regular Co-Author of our blog and an Insurance Executive who lives in Kingston, Jamaica with her spouse and 11 year old son.

Not Without My Children?! A Lesson In Relinquishment

Janice Chang - Guest Author

The hardest thing I have ever done in my life, to date, was to leave my children in the care of their father when we separated.  

I needed to re-form my life. 

Over the 16 years of my marriage, I had let go of my dreams. I had arrived at the cranny of the corner into which I had painted myself. It was time to jump or asphyxiate.

It all started with a deep-seated unhappiness with my life. I had a great career in medicine, two healthy and happy children and a burgeoning spirituality. Ironically, it was that, my spiritually that exposed a deep “soul-poverty” that could not be denied.  

Like so many women, I had “settled” and the yearning in my spirit was becoming difficult to ignore.  Despite my white-picket fence life, daily the gnawing feeling intensified that I was doing nothing of value and that my life was increasingly aimless.  Ostensibly, I was “letting God lead.” That was my misguided impression that I was doing nothing but following God’s command.

Credit: Boylan Imaging

Discipleship, as I was beginning to understand it, means “if anyone would follow me [God/Christ/Spirit/Source], let them leave their spouse, their children, their lives… .” 

I needed to love the will of God more than my family but could I?  

The plug was being pulled in the calm peaceful soaking tub of my life and the warm water (and I) were swirling downward in a powerful vortex – down, down…

So like Abraham in the Bible, I was being asked to give up that “precious thing” that occupied my all, the greatest love of my life, my all-consuming passion – my children Jer and Nads.  If I wanted to fully know God, I had now been brought to that point where I had to relinquish them.

Source: Facebook

It is my belief, that God/Christ/Spirit/Source will allow nothing – NO THING – to come between me and Him.  My whole future rested on the decision I would make.

So I left them in the care of their father.

With no clue as to where I was going, when or how, it was irrational to think I could take them on this journey.  It was not a gracious relinquishment.  It was most definitely not a sweet and holy “Oh Lord, I hand them over to you!"

My son was depressed and many times he brought me to tears as we tried to resolve his issues with the new situation.  My daughter harbored harsh feelings towards me, believing I had abandoned her.  It was hard!  

I cried every day.  Valiantly, I tried to remain relevant in their lives but was dying inside! As the pain mounted and built to a crescendo, I relinquished them but it was not pleasant or elegant. Instead, I shoved them into God’s hands and care with a “Heh! See dem yah! Mi cyan dweet nuh more.” [TRANSLATION: Here! See them here! I cannot do this anymore].

So began the re-formation of my relationship with my children. I got them back, my “precious thing”, my children but my relationship with them was forever changed.  I love them with all my heart but that love has changed as well. I do not feel that I “own” them or that ensuring their happiness is my function in life.  

They are now happy, well-adjusted adults with relationships and careers of their own.  They call me every day, not at my urging but because they want to.  In letting them go, I allowed God to work in and through all our lives (without me trying to play the intervening midwife). Now, I have restored to me “the years that the locusts had eaten.”

Image: rainsvoice.blogspot.com

Moral of my story, if there is one: If you love someone, you have to let them go.  If they are meant to be yours, they will come back!

Have you ever had to choose between finding yourself and releasing a family member, relationship, children or even a prized job? Share your story of relinquishment with us by posting a comment here. You can also post on our Facebook page and follow us on Twitter.

Continue to have a sacred journey as you embrace your experiences of letting go.

Janice Chang is a medical doctor and lives in Michigan with her husband.