Upper or Downer: Which Are You?

Guilty.

Before being accused let me raise my hand and enter my guilty plea.

"Let he that has no guilt cast the first stone," it is said, therefore I cannot and will not.

That, however, does not prevent me from stating that negativity is the poison ivy of any relationship.

My desire in life has been for some time now is to be an "uplifter." However, I quickly learned that my chosen  "job" would of necessity have to start in me. One of my favourite analogies is that of being on an aircraft and the steward or stewardess directs you to put on your oxygen mask first before assisting the child on your lap, for example. Why? You can be of no help to that child if you cannot breathe. Simple.

Another hackneyed phrase that I like is "Physician heal thyself."

After living most of my life in negative, even toxic environments well into my 30's, it became clear to me through the teaching of my former church home, The Universal Centre of Truth for Better Living, that if the rest of my life was to be the best of my life - then the change, peace must begin in me.

Claudette Estetine

Change is a gradual process and it would take me 10+ years and two suicide attempts after hearing this "truth" for the first time to start making a concerted effort.

Actually, the correct word would be that I became "intentional" about 'Positivity'. I am still walking the line, often stepping over into the 'dark side." Even today my daughter scolded me as we lunched together. I commented on my upcoming death and she rebuked me that I am always, according to her, predicting my early demise.

The difference now is I have an internal kicking mechanism that automatically delivers a swift one as soon as negativity crosses my mind. I am knocked out when it passes my lips. 

Some people think I am either cold or stupid when they begin to tell me their tales of woe, litany of health "problems," and attempt to gossip. Again, I fall into the trap sometimes and most often with my daughter - especially on the gossip. I would rather call it a mother's warning to her much loved child to be mindful of her interactions. She told me today, "I am not discussing her with you!" This was after I laughingly remarked how much weight one of her friends had gained. Honestly, I did not immediately recognize it as gossip but as soon as she said it the "kick was delivered.

I intentionally do not engage with others when they want to list problems, woe, bad luck and the gamut of negativity that we so love to share. Like attracts like and I want none of it. I am grateful to my daughter for stopping me in my tracks today. Negativity is like that glue trap that we set for mice. Once on, it is hard to get loose.

“People tend to be generous when sharing their nonsense, fear, and ignorance. And while they seem quite eager to feed you their negativity, please remember that sometimes the diet we need to be on is a spiritual and emotional one. Be cautious with what you feed your mind and soul. Fuel yourself with positivity and let that fuel propel you into positive action.” ― Steve Maraboli, Unapologetically You: Reflections on Life and the Human Experience

My cousin who lives in Australia and who I am yet to meet face to face is my best gal pal. We are thicker than peas in a pod. She and I can chat for hours on Facebook Messenger then transfer to the telephone without skipping a beat and go on for a couple more hours. We share the most delicate details of our lives. She knows things about me that people who see me every day would never imagine that I am capable of doing or being. The same is true of her - I have knowledge about her that maybe another human should not have! Our connection is simply amazing. As we converse via whichever medium, once one of us veers off track into negativity zone, the other grabs her arm and pulls her back onto the dividing line at least.

What I love about my relationship with Beth is whenever I truly need to bitch and/or bawl - in one of the most beautiful Ozzie accents you have ever heard, she brings me back to centre. I remember a few months ago, on the verge of giving up and unable to tell even my other Sistahs of DOS or others who would swear they know me, it was Beth who held my hand; fearlessly but gently spoke truth to me in words that I needed to hear. She was my uplifter.

“Sometimes our light goes out, but is blown again into instant flame by an encounter with another human being.” ― Albert Schweitzer

I like to think that I do the same for my cousin, as well as for others. After all, it is the mission for the rest of my life. Sometimes, I fall short - we all do. Yet, after every fall, I rise stronger and more focussed on the lesson and a more grace-filled way of moving forward.

Are you an upper or downer? Do you know when to stop talking and simply be there for another? Have you learnt the art of being an uplifter without merely parroting platitudes? Share with us here or on our Facebook page.

Have a great rest of the week!

Namaste

Four Reasons To Create Just Because Memories

There was a time in my life when if asked by someone that I am intimate with and supposedly in love, why I loved them, my response was “Just because.”

My intention was not to be cute or evasive. I simply could not say why my heart would skip a beat when they entered a room, heard their voice on the other end of the line after a stressful day at work or to sniff their ear (yes, I have a way of doing that – still do) and soak in their scent.

Yesterday’s post has set the pace with my quoting of lyrics. Writing on this “Just Because” Day, I cannot avoid quoting another song lyric – Just Because by one of my favourite songstresses Anita Baker:

When I think about how much I'm loving you

No limitations, no set of regimented rules

I'm amazed how much this love has touched my life

And the commitment that we share is a welcome sacrifice

This must be, sweet fatal attraction

My life-long date with destiny

Love this strong, it just brings out the passion

I never knew was here in me

I love you just because

I love you just because

Just because I do, my darlin'

Emotions more than words can help me say

I love you, baby, just because you're you

Just because you're you

You're a diamond in my mind. a treasure found

A precious gem to me. you're so nice to have around

I'm so glad I took the path that led to this

And it's amazin' loving you, I'm doin' things

I never thought I'd do

I don't know, there ain't no explanation

Of why I'm sharin' love at last this way

I won't try to work out all my reasons

I'II use these words to simply say

I love you just because

I love you just because

Just because I do, my darlin'

Emotions more than words can help me say

I love you, baby, just because you're you

Today’s post is not about romance but what better way to expound on this issue of being and doing who and what you are, loving who you want – Just Because?

Basically I am a risk taker. I will do just about anything at least once Just Because:

1. I have never done it
2. It seems interesting
3. I am curious to experience it
4. I never want to regret not doing what was calling me

Since I am never running for political office, and even if I was it matters not to me to state this, I tried pot – once in my life. Never did it again as it took my control away. I was laughing like a hyena and that is not my preferred profile. This was over 30 years ago and I have never even puffed the stuff again.

Relationships with people who would not normally cross my path, dishes that I have no idea what the ingredients are, communities described as ghettoes, online dating and, like tonight, going to a Meetup for Karaoke and wings with a group of people who I might never see again, these and many other situations I have done or been in – Just Because.

Now my belief is firmly rooted in doing what makes my heart sing! Love this quote by H. Jackson Brown, Jr:

“People take different roads seeking fulfillment and happiness. Just because they're not on your road doesn't mean they've gotten lost.” H. Jackson Brown, Jr.

What road are you taking, just because?

Share your road map with us here or on our Facebook page and have a great journey today!

Equal Pay For Women: What's Taking So Long?

The late Honourable Michael Manley 

My political life began at a very tender age. I grew up in a Jamaica that was very ripe with equality and justice for all. Democratic Socialism was the order of the day and the leader of the country, The Right Honourable Michael Manley, was my god.

One of my favourite songs was and remains, “The Message” My then tiny waist would gyrate when the words “equal pay for women" rang out but I had no real clue what that truly meant.

"My father born ya

My father born ya

My grandmother born ya

My grandmother born ya

I and I born ya

I and I born ya

My leader born ya

My leader born ya

That's why I nah leave ya

No I nah leave ya

He gave I a message

Who are those people

Who no love progress

Who no love progress

Equal pay for women

Equal pay for women

Juck them with the minimum wage

Juck them with the minimum wage

My leader born ya

My leader born ya." 

I left the shores of Jamaica thrice now in my life but that song still transports me to a time in our history when the idea of equality for women rang true. Moreover, the then wife of Comrade Leader (as he was called by Members of the party) looked just like me – black Jamaican with an afro, and dare I say beautiful.

A more recent Beverley Anderson-Duncan

She was my mirror for many years, reflecting to me what I could become – an educated, professional woman, mother and leader, earning an income to take care of my family. So, I thought.

Seven years in University, I returned to a country and a world that paid me 30% less than the fellows I went to school with and graduated with higher grades than. The sad part is that this story was being lived out across the world – not just in the “Third World” economies of the world.

Fast forward 20+ years and not much has changed:

“While there appears to be widespread consensus that closing the global gender pay gap is essential, as demonstrated with ILO equality Conventions 100 and 111 among the most widely ratified, pay equity continues to arguably be one of the most violated labour and human rights standards.” Mary Cornish, Closing the Gender Pay Gap: SecuringJustice for Women’s Work 

We are told that women lose out due to:

• Discrimination in hiring practices and salary negotiations
• Education choices
• Differences in the types of positions held by men and women and the salaries paid in the fields typically chosen by men as opposed to women (especially highly paid high risk jobs)
• Breaks in employment (usually to have children and raise them)

Image: blogs.denverpost.com

This blog is not on a mission to save the world. However, it is hard on Women's Equal Pay Day (August 26) to ignore that it is high time that this gross inequality ends. Check out this report entitled “Frozen In Time,” that was published last year and provides great insight to the status of women around the world on this survival issue. 

Claudette Esterine

I am one of the many hundreds of thousands of women who have spent many years earning a degree or two, raised children, maintained a household while working full time. As a community, we must continue to take a stand, speak truth to power and get what is rightfully ours – equal pay for equal work.

“Today there are people trying to take away rights that our mothers, grandmothers and great-grandmothers fought for: our right to vote, our right to choose, affordable quality education, equal pay, access to health care. We the people can't let that happen.” Kerry Washington

Share your story with us here or on our Facebook page and let your voices be heard. 

Truth or Crap: Pride Goeth Before A Fall?

Claudette Esterine

"Pride goeth before destruction, and an haughty spirit before a fall." Proverb 16:18 is phrase I had thrown at me for many years growing up. I believe the intention was to cut me down to size.

Recently, my daughter and I had a hearty laugh remembering a few incidents that had my mother spitting bullets. One of them was my method of “cutting and folding” cake batter as I was taught in Home Economics class.

It was approaching Christmas and this was my first time making Christmas cake for our household. Feeling very confident in my ability, after all I was getting good grades in Cookie B’s class at my high school, I proceeded to “rub the butta with the suga,” until it was light and fluffy. To capture the air and ensure that the cake rose nicely, I diligently followed the cut and folding technique taught to us in class. My mother came into the kitchen and saw me painstakingly capturing air and asked me what the heck I was doing. My explanation did not cut water with her and she ordered me to “rub the cake!”

My teenager argumentative nature took over and I proceeded to give her a lesson in the art of proper cake making. She was not impressed. The expletives that followed the clout over the back of my head knocked any further argument out of me.

“Pride goeth before a fall! Yuh tink yuh betta dan mi, gal?” [Translation: Do you think you are better than I am, girl?)

That biblical verse would often be repeated in my house until I moved out. Its echo followed me for many years.

False humility became ingrained and I would do everything to not behave as if “mi betta dan” anyone. How many young people have been stopped in their tracks by those words or ones similar to them? Many I am sure, giving in to pressure to fit in, hide their light, pretend to be ignorant or failed to celebrate their achievement so as not to behave “betta dan” others?

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, 'Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?' Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.” ― Marianne Williamson, A Return to Love: Reflections on the Principles of "A Course in Miracles"

Another woman would ask me a similar question many decades later. My aspiration to write and communicate with a wider group evoked her wrath. “Who are you to be writing that?” By this time, I was beginning to open up to Life and learning Whose I am. Nervously, as she was the mother of my then partner, I responded, “I am Me,” and continued writing.

My own interpretation of the much lauded biblical passage is an egotistical, cocky and boastful attitude. That is not the same as being proud of one’s achievements.  One person wrote this about that kind of pride that this Proverb relates to  – an analysis with which I wholeheartedly agree:

“…The next step after being all puffed up with arrogance could be falling flat on your face….'Pride comes before a fall' means that one becomes over confident and stops thinking sensibly when success goes to one's head and which is a sure indication of the fact that that person is bound to suffer or face disappointment because of the wrong decisions that he or she might make. In other words too much arrogance and self pride are sure to bring bad and disappointing results. “ (Source: Answer.com)

There is another interpretation that one could make about this expression: "Pride goeth, before the fall." It is one that is more in keeping with my own thoughts on the matter and how I have tried to live my life. Without flaunting my accomplishment – big or small – in anyone’s face, I allow them to spur me on, to challenge me to be and do more.  Instead of regarding “pride” as something to be ashamed of, I take “pride” in my abilities and use it as fodder for pushing myself even more. “The moment you lose pride in "whatever", it shows that you are on the way down…” a falling from grace, we might say?

Once you lose a sense of worth, in yourself and in your abilities, then a fall will follow.  Jane Austen wrote: 

“Vanity and pride are different things, though the words are often used synonymously. A person may be proud without being vain. Pride relates more to our opinion of ourselves, vanity to what we would have others think of us.”  Pride and Prejudice

Are you vain or are you proud of your journey and the possibilities ahead of you? Share with us here, or on our Facebook page and have a beautiful rest of the evening. 

Making A Difference: One Life At A Time

Ralph Waldo Emerson said,"The purpose of life is not to be happy. It is to be useful,to be honourable, to be compassionate to make some difference that you have lived and lived well"

Guest Author - Clara Brown

For about five years, I was a very active member of the Kiwanis.  I volunteered on various committees, chaired a couple of Boards within my club and took numerous outings in support of club initiatives and projects.  

Nothing else compares to the feeling of fulfillment I got every third of each month. We would visit the club's adopted Golden Aged Home to care for the residents and spend quality time with them.  The interaction with them was indescribable.  The value immeasurable.  Their faces glowed when we shampooed and groomed their hair; their grateful but feeble hands shook ours after they were fed and the emotional expressions of gratitude upon receiving goodies baskets - these were our rewards for making a difference, one life at a time.

"It's the action , not the fruit of the action that's important.  You have to do the right thing. It may not be in your power, may not be in your time that there'll be any fruit. But that doesn't mean you stop doing the right  thing.  You may never know what results come from your action. But if you do nothing, there will be no result." Mahatma Gandhi

Image: ameharome.wordpress. com

There is a young university student from my Home Town who one day visited me at my office. This 6-foot, well poised young man knocked slightly on my door and inquired whether I would like to purchase chocolates. My friends know that I am intolerant of chocolate but I decided to patronize this young man as he was so polite and without pressure approached me. My intention went beyond that, as my plan was to pass on the sweet delights to the chocolate lovers in the office and there are quite a few.  My purchase surprised the young man who found it difficult to hide his emotions.

After completing my purchase, the young man asked whether I had a minute to spare.  His eager eyes told a story. He wanted advice.  Basically, I found out that he was selling chocolate to raise money to complete his college education. His mother (a single parent) had suddenly fallen on extremely hard times. She was working so hard that she had a mental breakdown and could no longer work. The choice for Adam (not his real name) was to either quit college or find some other means to raise his tuition. Quitting would have had a more devastating effect on not only him but his mother, so he stayed in college.

I became one of his regular customers as well as a fierce cheerleader.  Adam, through the patronage from others within my office, the adjoining offices and me was able to purchase a motor cycle (at a discounted price, virtually a gift). Through our influence, as an insurance agency, he was able to insure his motor cycle again at a very discounted rate. Needless to say, at the end of each semester, Adam takes his "Report Card" to us to keep us up to date on his progress.  He promised all of us that he will never let us down.

Making a difference, one life at a time.

Mentoring is one of my passions. Witnessing the achievements of those I mentor gives me unspeakable joy.  Frequently I have asked others whether if they feel that they could make a difference in the world.  More often than not the response is "No."  Well, guess what? They are wrong.

Image: powerofadvocacy

Not only can each of us make a difference but our influence could have a far greater impact on a greater number of people than we could ever imagine. Stop and think about your potential circle of influence: your employees, co-workers, bosses, vendors, customers, family, friends. Lots and lots of people. You may have already influenced dozens more without even realizing it.

The Universe supports all our efforts geared towards the advancement of humanity. As Martin Luther King said: "No work is insignificant.  All labour that uplifts humanity has dignity and importance and should be undertaken painstaking excellence."

So RISE and RESOLVE to "Make a difference, one life at a time"

Visit our Facebook page or leave a comment here, share some ideas how we, as ordinary citizens of the world, might make a difference.

Scattered Pictures Of Our Lives

Image: uncountablereflections

Today was full of it.

Travelling to work this morning, much earlier than my usual hour for a Wednesday, it struck me.

Twelve years ago when we moved to Edmonton, Alberta, we lived in the neighborhood I had returned to set up house the night before.

What was more...startling let us say, were the memories that surfaced. Our first apartment, our yappy dog that we had snuck in, the fire alarm that would go off ever so frequently in the building at which said dog would bark, giving away his presence, our first Christmas in Canada and me hurriedly baking Jamaican Christmas cakes to help my teenaged daughter feel less isolated.

A tear kissed my cheek as I bowed deeply in my heart to my ex who would trudge home a couple miles through the snow after closing the branch of KFC where she was a cook.

Driving by my daughter's former high school here in Edmonton, I could not help but laugh remembering her passing out on the basketball court. She is almost six feet tall but basketball player we all knew she was not! Trying desperately to fit in, however, she succumbed to the coach's "You are so tall" speech. That was the shortest basketball career in history.  Our laughter echoed from years gone by in my ear as I drove by Ross Sheppard High School.

"Memories, light the corners of our mind..."

My mind drifted forward, to a late summer evening in 2006 in a cottage community just outside Edmonton. It was easily one of the most beautiful homes I have ever had the honour of visiting.  We were house sitting for friends and had taken along another friend of mine as well. Our absentee hostesses had a great album collection and as my ex made breakfast, I was the dee jay.

Our friend snapped a picture of my ex and I slow dancing in the kitchen to one of our favourite songs. The love between us was dying. The song transported us both to happier and more promising times.

Image: merchantcircle.com

Several months later, as I sat by a fire engine red stove burning photographs of our 16 years together, that picture was the last to be thrown in.

Yet, here I was in 2014 feeling every pain, pleasure and promise of then , now and to come.

"Memories...may beautiful and yet...what's to painful to remember, we simply choose to forget..." 

Back to where it all began, our lives in Canada, what I now choose to remember, to cherish is every single minute that we grew. With these lessons, I am living as fully as I can in the now - on the strength of what has gone but graced us all.

What about you? Close your eyes right now for five minutes and allow your mind to bring forward a precious memory. What would that be? Share it with us here or on our Facebook page and have a good rest of the week.

"So it's the laughter
We will remember
Whenever we remember...
The way we were...
The way we were..." (The Way We Were by Barbara Streisand)

The Deadly D Word: Divorce Part II

Claudette Esterine

For some it is a more dreaded word than “Death.” Actually, I remember going to the pool with my young daughter and would hear parents scold their children for using another “D” word – drown.

“Divorce” holds the same deadly connotation for many and you my dears know that I am not one of them. Been there, done that – a couple times, okay a few times, and have no intention of going down that “D” road again!

My first kick at the bucket was the most painful. When my first husband and I divorced, the events leading up to it were devastating – on both sides I guess but in the moment it felt as if I was the “victim.” Truth be told, I was the Victor as the course of my life soon after that took me along the long and yes, winding road called Personal Freedom.

The second time that my signature was affixed to an application for a Decree Nisi it was a blur – just like the marriage. That is a story that I am not ready to get into at this point, however, rest assured it will be told.

My last wedding day

Now on the third marriage, I really do not give two or three hoots whether we get divorced or not. Frankly, it suits me not to file for a divorce as it legally prevents me from doing something that I know I will regret (and I have none) – that would be to get married again.

Please, do not get me wrong. Marriage is a wonderful “institution” for those who like that kind of living.

I remember when we migrated to Canada in 2002 and specifically to Alberta which was one of the last holdouts on “same-sex marriage,” few within our immediate circle could understood why I was not hopping on that particular bandwagon. Obviously it was not due to my abhorrence for gay marriage or any thought on my part that the institution of marriage is for man and woman. Absolutely not.

Having been twice married prior to coming to Canada and being in a 11+ year relationship at that time with the love of my life, the beauty of sharing one’s life with another person was something I cherished. Not enough though to think that marriage was the only or the best way to prove it.

I raise a glass to those of you who have been married for years and the love is still going strong. You are invited again to share your story with us and offer any suggestions you may have to keep the fire burning in marriages and long term relationships. I have always admitted that I am not the best person to offer such advice as my journey has not been one that equipped me, to now, with any such wisdom.

What I do know is that:

1. Marriage is not something to enter for any reason other than deep respect and desire to share not just your beauty, possession, charm, etc but your darkness and your wounds.
2. One ought not to remain in a spirit-killing relationship for “the children’s sake,” as you are not teaching them about living a joyous, peaceful and purposeful life.
3. If you have to insist on your fiancé or fiancée signing a prenuptial agreement, you might be better off marrying your money.

Many use divorce as an excuse, as they do not want to really try to make the relationship work. In other cases, it is an option that was on the table from day one, an exit strategy. Some see it as an escape – from a life they had not visualized or a nightmare.

“Divorce isn't such a tragedy. A tragedy's staying in an unhappy marriage, teaching your children the wrong things about love. Nobody ever died of divorce.” ― Jennifer Weiner, Fly Away Home

Looking back, none of my marriages was for the only reason that I would marry again – that I have met The One who has shown (not said) that they are willing, ready and capable of accepting my deep desire to share all of me – the good, the bad and the in between – with and in love.

Are you married? How is it going? Is divorce on the cards or do you keep shuffling it out of sight? You can talk with me privately if you wish by messaging me here; otherwise leave a comment and/or visit our Facebook page to see our posts on various topics of interests.

Namaste