Cure For The Perpetual Helper

Once upon a time, in a land faraway I was a servant.

In fact, several times and in many lands, I was a helper, a butler, a charlady, a nanny, a slave, a valet and every other position of servitude you can imagine.

Convinced as I am that we either pass through this "place" more than once or have multiple and simultaneous existences, explains my propensity to serve. My current appearance on this Earth plane and my upbringing also confirmed my notion.

Taught that it was my lot in life to fulfill my mother's every need, being an overachiever I took it to another level. Anyone with a even slightly downward turn of their eyes could have me bending backwards, forwards, sideways and on my head in one smooth sequence to help them out.

That was my modus operandi for much of my life until I turned 48 and realized that being a contortionist was really not my calling.

Why did it take so long? The most life changing, direction-amending and value-adding changes usually takes time; as long as is required to get you to rock bottom.

Does that mean I have stopped helping others? Absolutely not, however, the quality of my helping has changed and that is what I would like to share with you today with this brief and completely unscientific test.

Answer these questions with a "Yes," "No," "Sometimes," or "Never." There is no right or wrong answer. Simply answer from your heart.

1.  Your friend is in a bind again and asks for your help. She is a single parent, working two jobs and can hardly afford daycare. One of her jobs called with an offer of overtime but, again, she has no money for a sitter. Do you help, again?

2.  A colleague at work is running late and texts you to help him out by setting up the meeting room for a major presentation. This could mean a promotion for your colleague if all goes well or major embarrassment if your boss gets there and things are not in place. Do you help your colleague get a promotion?

3.  Retired and with too much time on her hands, your mother calls you to come over and help her rearrange the furniture on Saturday. You met this really nice guy and had planned a picnic Saturday - your third date. Do you postpone and go help your mother?

4.  A brother from another mother calls and need to borrow a couple hundred dollars until his payday in a week. This is the third time you received such a call over the last six months. You got your money back the last couple of times, so what's the harm? Do you help?

Now, go back over your answers and ask yourself for each one:

• Is that what I would really do or it just sounds better?
• What would I really do?
• Would I feel a need to explain my answer to the person?
• Where did that response come from? Was it from my needing to be liked place or my free to give centre?

Your evaluation questions (the second set) and your answers to those, if done honestly, will reveal to you whether you are a perpetual helper - one who has to, need to, cannot help myself, guilty helper or whether you help according to your true desire and ability to help.

Had you asked me to take take this same test before my 48th birthday, my result would have pointed to the "guilty," "need to" helper - the person who helped because I was guilted into it and needed to be loved by others.

Until I was on my butt with no one offering to help me and reflecting on my own responses to help requests, I was a perpetual helper. Two years ago I stopped living and behaving in that fashion.

Still very much a helper, a giver and my most favoured 'title' - a server, my assistance now come from a place of:

• Love
• Abundance
• Empowerment

What this means is whatever the request, if I am not able to freely support you, with no thought as to whether I will get it back, no sense of loss AND that it will move your life forward - then I will not help.

The ironic thing is that sometimes, not helping is the greatest help you can offer. I know this a truth. Many turned their backs on me when I hit my rock bottom and oh, what a blessing that was! Now, I am making my way back up, solidly and firmly on my own two feet.

Yes, sometimes no help is great self-help.

Need more support with this issue? Write to me and visit my coaching page and I will be more than happy to walk with you.

Namaste.

Photos: pinterest.com

Making A Difference: One Life At A Time

Ralph Waldo Emerson said,"The purpose of life is not to be happy. It is to be useful,to be honourable, to be compassionate to make some difference that you have lived and lived well"

Guest Author - Clara Brown

For about five years, I was a very active member of the Kiwanis.  I volunteered on various committees, chaired a couple of Boards within my club and took numerous outings in support of club initiatives and projects.  

Nothing else compares to the feeling of fulfillment I got every third of each month. We would visit the club's adopted Golden Aged Home to care for the residents and spend quality time with them.  The interaction with them was indescribable.  The value immeasurable.  Their faces glowed when we shampooed and groomed their hair; their grateful but feeble hands shook ours after they were fed and the emotional expressions of gratitude upon receiving goodies baskets - these were our rewards for making a difference, one life at a time.

"It's the action , not the fruit of the action that's important.  You have to do the right thing. It may not be in your power, may not be in your time that there'll be any fruit. But that doesn't mean you stop doing the right  thing.  You may never know what results come from your action. But if you do nothing, there will be no result." Mahatma Gandhi

Image: ameharome.wordpress. com

There is a young university student from my Home Town who one day visited me at my office. This 6-foot, well poised young man knocked slightly on my door and inquired whether I would like to purchase chocolates. My friends know that I am intolerant of chocolate but I decided to patronize this young man as he was so polite and without pressure approached me. My intention went beyond that, as my plan was to pass on the sweet delights to the chocolate lovers in the office and there are quite a few.  My purchase surprised the young man who found it difficult to hide his emotions.

After completing my purchase, the young man asked whether I had a minute to spare.  His eager eyes told a story. He wanted advice.  Basically, I found out that he was selling chocolate to raise money to complete his college education. His mother (a single parent) had suddenly fallen on extremely hard times. She was working so hard that she had a mental breakdown and could no longer work. The choice for Adam (not his real name) was to either quit college or find some other means to raise his tuition. Quitting would have had a more devastating effect on not only him but his mother, so he stayed in college.

I became one of his regular customers as well as a fierce cheerleader.  Adam, through the patronage from others within my office, the adjoining offices and me was able to purchase a motor cycle (at a discounted price, virtually a gift). Through our influence, as an insurance agency, he was able to insure his motor cycle again at a very discounted rate. Needless to say, at the end of each semester, Adam takes his "Report Card" to us to keep us up to date on his progress.  He promised all of us that he will never let us down.

Making a difference, one life at a time.

Mentoring is one of my passions. Witnessing the achievements of those I mentor gives me unspeakable joy.  Frequently I have asked others whether if they feel that they could make a difference in the world.  More often than not the response is "No."  Well, guess what? They are wrong.

Image: powerofadvocacy

Not only can each of us make a difference but our influence could have a far greater impact on a greater number of people than we could ever imagine. Stop and think about your potential circle of influence: your employees, co-workers, bosses, vendors, customers, family, friends. Lots and lots of people. You may have already influenced dozens more without even realizing it.

The Universe supports all our efforts geared towards the advancement of humanity. As Martin Luther King said: "No work is insignificant.  All labour that uplifts humanity has dignity and importance and should be undertaken painstaking excellence."

So RISE and RESOLVE to "Make a difference, one life at a time"

Visit our Facebook page or leave a comment here, share some ideas how we, as ordinary citizens of the world, might make a difference.