Relationship: Waiting For The Right Wrong One

Many times.

Too many times to count in fact and willing, although very hesitant, to do it again.

That would be my answer to the question "Have you ever loved the wrong person?"

Andrew Boyd, author of "Beautiful Trouble," says it best and so I liberally quote him:

"We’re all seeking that special person who is right for us. But if you’ve been through enough relationships, you begin to suspect there’s no right person, just different flavors of wrong. Why is this? Because you yourself are wrong in some way, and you seek out partners who are wrong in some complementary way. But it takes a lot of living to grow fully into your own wrongness. And it isn’t until you finally run up against your deepest demons, your unsolvable problems—the ones that make you truly who you are—that we’re ready to find a lifelong mate. 

Only then do you finally know what you’re looking for. You’re looking for the wrong person. But not just any wrong person: the right wrong person—someone you lovingly gaze upon and think, 'This is the problem I want to have'. 

I will find that special person who is wrong for me in just the right way. 

Let our scars fall in love."

Next time I post a profile on a dating site, that is what I will use as my headline: "Seeking The Right Wrong Person." It probably would be one of the most honest statements I would have ever made about my love life - a long pursuit and entanglements with the wrong persons.

The gift, and there is always one if you are willing to unpack it, is that every "wrong" lover has brought me healing to an aspect of my wounded being/soul.

With every chunk that someone has taken off my heart, they rewarded me with a deeper understanding of who I am meant to be in the world and in relationships.

Earlier in my journey and after "the great heartbreak" almost eight years to date now, bitterness and fear were the emotions that controlled me. I swore never to love again out of fear and bitterness ensured that I did not.

More wrong people would enter my life and with each ending they carted away my bitterness, my regret, my pain and most of all the fear. No, I am not anxious to commit to another wrong person. Instead, I pass time with distractions while I await "The Right Wrong One."

What about you? Have you met the one whose scars match yours yet?

Share your story with us here or on our Facebook page. You never know what pointers you might reveal to one of us wrong ones!

Namaste

So You Want A Relationship? - Part II

Clara Brown

The Miriam-Webster Dictionary defines "Relationship" in part as, "the way in which two of more people, groups, countries etc., talk to, behave toward and deal with each other."

In our daily lives we are challenged to keep our 'relationships' together.  Why is it so necessary for us to protect what we value?

Being in relations suggests having a oneness in spirit. A spirit that embodies sharing and reciprocity, both of which are to be managed, coerced and treasured for the benefit of maintaining the relationship.

As we go through our life's journey, we become involved in many relationships. While it may not be my own experience, one can hazard a guess that there are persons around who have had thousands of relationships.  Some of these relationships may have been recorded as "good," while some may record "bad" experiences.

We were created to co-exist, to have a relationship(s) with each other. There are some biblical guidelines that seek to foster having health and God-like relationships. Some cynics will perhaps say, that having a relationship with the persons we profess to love is  overrated.  In reality, it is difficult to have a relationship with even our own 'blood relation'.  Some relationships with family members are damaged beyond repair.  Surely, the guidelines handed down via the Ten Commandments anticipate that there is none among us, humans who is infallible?

Inspite of the numbers of relationships that one has, there are some that are more important than others.

Image: theinkprosblog

What are the most important relationships that you have?


On impulse, my answer to this question, would perhaps be that the most important relationship I have is with my son, Jared.

Putting more thought into it, the most correct or appropriate response would be MYSELF!

"How so?" You may ask. 

Don't judge me or jump to conclusions that I am selfish by this response as is the practice when a person answers in this way. People are frequently criticized for being selfish for being in love with themselves.  However, my rejoinder to that is: "If one does not lather oneself with love then that person will enter a relationship with a major deficiency."

Putting a high value on self-love will certainly invoke a high return. In other words, when you place a high value on yourself, people will invariably value you more.  Loving and caring about yourself first means that you are confident about your worth, that you are quite aware of your value and who you are. We wrote on this very topic in Part One of this article.

"When you love yourself for who you are, you turn into the one you love.  This in turn will allow you to love and care for the people who matter most to you." Anonymous

Another important relationship will most likely be with your 'back-watchers' or your Main-squeeze.  Back-watchers could range from your family, friends to your professional colleagues. These are the people in your life that are most important to you and you to them. While you are in a relationship with them, depending on the 'connection', the relating will be different for and with each person.

I have experienced (and I am sure you have too) much closer relationship with others outside of my own family.  I have also found much more caring and loving relationships with persons who are not my 'blood relatives'.

Irrespective of the connection, one must recognize that in every relationship, there are two sides to each of us.  At times we are nice and at times we are mean. At times we are happy and at times sad. At times we are giving and another time we are takers, generous and not too generous, supportive and not too supportive.

What is most important being in a 'relationship' is to be accepting and embracing of the other person.  The most loving and long lasting relationships are those where the parties embrace both sides of the other person. As John Legend so aptly puts it, "loving your perfect imperfections"

I remember a heated discussion with some kindred spirits recently during which I made the point that "one hand cannot clap." By this I meant that being in a one-sided relationship is futile. It is a relationship heading to No-man's land and a reason why relationships end. Such relationships serve neither party in the short or long term.

Text messaging, Twitter and other short form social media writing have introduced some 'buzz terms' to our lingua. Terms such as "bestie" or "Soulmate" or BFF (Best Friend Forever).  All of these terms, whichever you choose to describe your own relationship, connote a certain CONNECTION.

BFF's: Claudette & Clara

BFF or bestie, your relationships serve you in one or more ways. They could support your mission, your passion or your purpose.  Some relationships will involve a deep 'soul connection'. For example, I have a Soulmate who think a lot like me. She can always predict my 'next step' and I hers.  We often finish each other's sentence and I have often declared how 'afraid' I am of the connection.  Yup, the connection is frightening at times.

It is not my opinion that soulmate is equivalent to sexual partner. It is not necessarily a 'romantic involvement'. The connection between 'soulmates' can be different and yes, one can have many 'soulmates' - all supporting different aspects of your existence.

What are the keys to "good" relating?

1. Cultivating a LOVING relationship with yourself is paramount.
2. Embracing that each person in a relationship have two (2) sides.
3. Understanding that in order for a relationship to thrive, there has to be a connecting point and it must be nurtured.

Take a look at your relationships and see if these three elements are present. If they are or are not, my advice to maintain or create great relationships is: stay connected, love yourself, love others and appreciate all of you and the wonderful people that you come across in your life.

Let the love of self burn through your being and bring light and happiness  to the relationships that you form.

Be blessed and have an awesome relating day!

Clara Brown is a regular Guest Author and an Insurance Executive. She lives in St. Andrew, Jamaica with her spouse and son.

Top Three Tips To Keep Your Relationship Strong

Let me just openly admit that I am the worst person to say or offer anything about "How To Keep A Relationship Strong."

Relationships, I have had a few but keeping them strong, I am a bit clueless.

My longest relationship lasted for 16 years. Prior to that, just before the seven year itch they were over. Months to two years have been my most recent track record. No, truth be told, weeks is more my lane.

Relationships with my girlfriends tend to do way better than the ones on the intimate side. Why? Well, any woman who I describe as my bestie or one of, she and I have developed an intimacy that goes way beyond sex. We share just about everything. She knows my bright, dark and underside - and still remain my friend.

Those who would have an intimate relationship with me are usually attracted by my smile (kidding), my personality, my intelligence (maybe), my caring nature and my conversational skills.

Then wham! They want to change me!

Except for my only really long term relationship, the transition usually comes pretty quickly. Once it becomes too onerous for me, I am out of there. In fairness, there have been times when I am the perpetuator of change. The result is the same.

So how does one remain true to self, honour their partner and keep the relationship going strong?

Turned to some experts for relationship advice, specific to keeping a relationship strong and here are three top tips:

• "Use relationships to teach you how to be whole within. Relationships aren’t about having another person complete you, but coming to the relationship whole and sharing your life interdependently. By letting go of the romantic ideal of merging and becoming “one,” you learn as Rainer Maria Rilke says, to love the distances in relationship as much as the togetherness." Lynn Newman

• "All strong relationships have three things in common, according to Meredith Hansen, Psy.D, a psychologist and relationship expert: trust, commitment and vulnerability. Trust allows a couple to know that their partner is there for them, truly cares about them, is coming from a good place, and supports them. It means keeping your word and putting your relationship first, especially when you’re confronting a decision that might compromise it, she said. A minor example of following through is calling your spouse to tell them you’re safe if they worry when you’re running late, she said. And it means 'demonstrating good character,' she said."

• "Strong relationships require good communication. If you and your partner can become effective at expressing your concerns, feelings and problems, your relationship will improve. Instead of fighting, you two can have a serious but calm discussion." For some specific suggestions how to communicate better read the full article.

Should I decide to enter another intimate relationship with someone who actually lives not only in the same country but city as I do, these top three relationship tips will be fully embraced. Need to make sure that the other party knows them as well!

Do you have any tips to share with us on this topic? Leave them here and/or on our Facebook page. It would be nice to exchange tweets with you, so please Follow us.

Have a strong rest of the day!

Claudette is the Founder of Daughters of Sheba Foundation and Editor of our blog. She is a Jamaican-Canadian, an Independent Distributor of Nature's Pearl and most of all, a Free Spirit.